Discussion If you had a gun, how many times would you have CTB’d today?

[sugarb]

I think about CTB a lot, and on occasion I'll get a very certain, profound feeling of "ok, it's time."

I don't have a gun so I'm stuck with imagining for now, but if I did- in the last week I probably would've CTB'd 10-12 times over. Today: 2 times.

Which led to this post, as I'm curious about y'all. If you'd had a loaded gun- let's say a generic 12 gauge with the appropriate ammunition- over the last 24 hours, how many times over would you have done it? How many moments felt right?

 

[daley]

I had an M16 periodically when I was in the army. Later I owned a pistol, which I eventually gave up because of the hassle to renew the license each year.
Obviously while I had those, I was not suicidal enough to do it.

However, even if I was very suidical, I don't think I would have the guts to do it that way. I am not particularly brave, and this method just too gruesome and risky to me.

 

[bigworm]

im a very impulsive person probably wouldve pulled the trigger countless times

 

[VeryShy]

I think once would be enough

 

[sugarb]

I think once would be enough

I meant, like- how many moments have you had in the last 24 hours where, if you had a gun, you'd pull the trigger?

 

[deadlemonade]

oh if i had a gun i'd be dead a thousand times over. im impulsive and on my worst days i would've just done it

 

[sugarb]

This is my method and I've had it within reach for a little over half a year. Even when I've felt really horrible, I knew I wasn't going to kill myself in my house.

I'm not particularly impulsive and I'm going to end my life far away from my home on a planned day after a large amount of prep work the preceding days. I've been preparing for a very long time. (Don't want to relatives or people who know me to deal with my corpse).

The point is that the equation changes a bit once you get the materials. You will find hundreds of people on this site with ample materials to commit suicide and the only thing they lack is the last something to go through with it.

That's reasonable. Can't actually know how you'd feel until you feel it, I suppose.

Could you describe it? Like- is it SI or are you just patiently following your plan?

 

[sugarb]

I've just been following my plan. I have a huge digital checklist that I've been adding to and crossing stuff off of for many months now. I've gotten a lot done. It feels really weird to tell someone else about it haha. I'm almost done now and will be deleting my SS account pretty soon. I also ghost-post and these comments will be deleted in a few hours, so don't be freaked out by that.

I'm not sure if preparing this much has been a manifestation of the survival instinct, but I imagine my family and friends will be appreciative of my efforts and think, "Holy shit this was not impulsive at all." I am also now very comfortable with my method and pretty much everything leading up to the event. I've thought about this for years. I've been feeling pretty chill the past month or so. A lot of relief.

Glad you're feeling chill. I've still a ways to go just to get my method, unfortunately, so I'm generally a bit anxious. "What if they clock me at the store?" and etc. They probably won't but yk

Thanks for telling me, might've thought some spooky shit was going on >_>

 

[rednights]

Most of the day I was well distracted, and so the thought didn't really cross my mind. But in the afternoon I made a mistake that really upset me.

Admittedly it was minor, but the straw breaks the cammel's back and all that. Couldn't count on all my digits the number of times I repeated to myself that I was done with it all.

So, that could've been it. In theory anyway, I don't think I'd actually be so impulsive. My decision to CTB has been methodical and I'll choose the right moment.

 

[VeryShy]

I meant, like- how many moments have you had in the last 24 hours where, if you had a gun, you'd pull the trigger?

Well, like every day I'd pull the trigger at least once.

 

[CHOSEVIOLENCE]

I think about CTB a lot, and on occasion I'll get a very certain, profound feeling of "ok, it's time."

I don't have a gun so I'm stuck with imagining for now, but if I did- in the last week I probably would've CTB'd 10-12 times over. Today: 2 times.

Which led to this post, as I'm curious about y'all. If you'd had a loaded gun- let's say a generic 12 gauge with the appropriate ammunition- over the last 24 hours, how many times over would you have done it? How many moments felt right?

Truth be told, I wouldn't do it unless I was between a rock and a hard place since the idea of causing a huge mess for other people to clean doesn't sit right with me. Though if we were to just base it on how many times I want to CBT per day, for me it's just this consistent feeling of "I want out." that sometimes turns into "I need out."

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I have a 12 gauge shotgun and a 30.06 rifle. Haven't been able to pull the trigger yet.

 

[GoatHerder]

Zero

 

[Cress]

I think it definitely increases the odds of a successful Catching the bus. One of the things about sn is You really should be fasting for at least 24 hours Some people even recommend longer. This gives you a significant amount of time to think about it and reconsider. Everyone's different of course but some people are more transitional going back and forth between being suicidal and wanting to live multiple times in just a single day.

Having the requirement of only needing to be suicidal for 30 seconds of course is going to Increase the chances of it actually taking place. Ironically enough when I was in my early 20s I had this method available to me. I lived with my father for a period of time And I had just gotten out of a mental health hospital for suicidal ideation and I moved in with my dad for a while. The room I was staying in had all his firearms unsecured with ammunition. I was trying to make life work at the time but I also didn't want my father to have to deal with the guilt so that was probably the primary reason I didn't shoot myself.

 

[10minutesremaining]

once

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm always wanting the suffering to end as existing is just too cruel, painful and undesirable for me. I envy those with access to that method, I imagine it must be a relief for them to have it but anyway no matter what I'd always prefer the peace of non-existence over the futile and torturous burden of human existence, to simply be unconscious for all eternity is all I see as ideal.