If someone else was to kill me instead?

[WavesNeverStop]

My ex is a hugely fucked up person. He has hurt me in calculated and screwed up ways. How i have survived some of the things he did to me i still don't understand.
But i know i play a part and I seek his destructiveness sometimes. I know what buttons i could press to make him react. I'm sure he could actually kill me. I can't stop thinking about this and it is starting to feel like a very feasible solution.

If he was to kill me rather than me kill myself surely this would make it easier for those around me. I know i want and need to die. I'm at peace with that. But the pain I'm aware it may cause others is the only thing stopping me acting right now. That feels complicated. I don't want to cause anyone that upset, confusion and possible inevitable self blame. But at the expense of my suffering feels unreasonable too. If someone else was to kill me, i understand that would still cause upset and pain, but i think that would be very different in terms of the processing of that, to if i killed myself. If he was to also then go to prison for killing me he would get the punishment he very much deserves.

 

[CompressedAtoms]

1. You should really exit this relationship, or tell the police or family since this implies you unfortunately have bruises or scars to prove it.

2. Are you sure he'd actually kill you and not just injure you greatly?

 

[hoppybunny]

Don't let this dude kill you please. Someone like that could potentially be what's increasing your suicidality. Please stabilize yourself first. You clearly care about your friends and family. IF you want to CBT that's fine but really leave this relationship and call the police. you can probably put him in jail for domestic abuse already. Your family will not be any less sad if the cause of death is different however with murder the anger that will plague them may never go away.