Venting If only my younger self could see me now.

[Freedom Believer]

A lazy, cowardly, selfish piece of shit that I turned into.

Lying to my Dad about college to save face and doing nothing but sitting on the computer and doing nothing. If I don't CTB, if he ever finds out, I'll be out on the fucking street, but I deserve it. Who wants a high school graduate that just wastes his potential rotting his brain on the computer or video games.

I fucked up so many things in my short life, but this one takes the cake.

I want to go back to my childhood again. I never listened to those moments that you're supposed to cherish. I feel like a fool now because I want nothing more than to go back to the times when I had no expectations or stress and I could just be myself. When I didn't have to put on a facade. Thinking about all the happy memories makes me cry.

I'm scared and alone. It hurts so much.

 

[Ghost2211]

You're not alone. We are all here for you. Life is not and easy thing, and every day I wish I could get my kids to listen to reason and wisdom. That is not how young brains tend to work. I'm sorry for what you've lost. I know how much it hurts to look back at sunnier days. Try to take things one step at a time, and you're never alone with us.

 

[issyishere]

Is there anyway to remedy the situation with your dad? Im always open if you need someone to talk to, failed my last semester due to my depression and now i'm on academic warning

 

[Lion]

i feel you, had 2-3years to do it and i squandered it, feel rushed to finally plan it

 

[jgm63]

Sorry to hear of your continuing struggle.
Do you have any thoughts currently about what your plans might be ?
Perhaps there's a solution.
Could you take a job ?
Some people do very well starting out with an entry level job, and working their way up.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

Honestly college isn't for everybody. There are so many things you can do that don't require a degree. The notion that everyone has to have a college degree to succeed is the product of a national campaign a few decades ago that sought to get people more educated by smearing the trade route as lowly work for people who didn't work hard enough to get anything but leftovers. That isn't true at all. You can make a pretty decent living in a trade field, and a job that requires you to move your body is a job that keeps your body healthy much longer. Ever met an 80 year old sailor? They can run circles around their peers.

Personally I like trade work and have had a few union jobs. I hated myself for a long time for feeling like I threw away a future by not getting a degree but t he truth is that if you need to work on your mental health, there's nothing wrong with doing that first.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I'm already 30 and it's relatable, a lot of people who knew me in high school would think the same <3

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I'm already 30 and it's relatable, a lot of people who knew me in high school would think the same <3

I think it's a damn shame how they drill into students' heads that they won't be valuable members of society if they don't get a degree and then a white collar job, as if you're either corporate management or a cashier with no other options existing. If you want your own apartment in San Francisco or Manhattan then sure, you'll probably need that six figure income, but it just isn't true or necessary in most places.

 

[Freedom Believer]

Is there anyway to remedy the situation with your dad? Im always open if you need someone to talk to, failed my last semester due to my depression and now i'm on academic warning

Well, I already talked to him once about dropping out of college and he pretty much spat in my face. Taking time off for a semester might be different, but he already thinks I'm in classes, so I can't really do it now.

Honestly college isn't for everybody. There are so many things you can do that don't require a degree. The notion that everyone has to have a college degree to succeed is the product of a national campaign a few decades ago that sought to get people more educated by smearing the trade route as lowly work for people who didn't work hard enough to get anything but leftovers. That isn't true at all. You can make a pretty decent living in a trade field, and a job that requires you to move your body is a job that keeps your body healthy much longer. Ever met an 80 year old sailor? They can run circles around their peers.

Personally I like trade work and have had a few union jobs. I hated myself for a long time for feeling like I threw away a future by not getting a degree but t he truth is that if you need to work on your mental health, there's nothing wrong with doing that first.

Dad unfortunately took the "college is everything" pill. Even if I did manage convince him that college isn't needed, he laughed at thinking I could do any sort of trade job because "you've never worked a day in your life".

Sorry to hear of your continuing struggle.
Do you have any thoughts currently about what your plans might be ?
Perhaps there's a solution.
Could you take a job ?
Some people do very well starting out with an entry level job, and working their way up.

I just don't know anymore.

 

[souljah222]

A lazy, cowardly, selfish piece of shit that I turned into.

Lying to my Dad about college to save face and doing nothing but sitting on the computer and doing nothing. If I don't CTB, if he ever finds out, I'll be out on the fucking street, but I deserve it. Who wants a high school graduate that just wastes his potential rotting his brain on the computer or video games.

I fucked up so many things in my short life, but this one takes the cake.

I want to go back to my childhood again. I never listened to those moments that you're supposed to cherish. I feel like a fool now because I want nothing more than to go back to the times when I had no expectations or stress and I could just be myself. When I didn't have to put on a facade. Thinking about all the happy memories makes me cry.

I'm scared and alone. It hurts so much.

youre sick, youre not wasting time on the computer or video games bc youre just lazy and enjoy it. youre depressed and thats the effects. i really hope you can get out of this and start using youre potential, good luck

 

[Quarky00]

I'm scared and alone. It hurts so much.

We're here But it still hurts, and it will continue to hurt. Sorry about that.

I don't think a person deserves to be on the streets because they're depressed, do you?
(Saying that because in a few days that would be my destiny;)

You may have done some things not ideally , but these were mistakes , does that make you "lazy, cowardly, selfish piece of shit" ? Now, I know you'd answer 'yes' ;) But I don't like that, because we all make mistakes, and some of us just spiral down to the bottom. I don't believe that makes us bad people.

I can't address everything you wrote, due to lack of time/energy, but my heart really goes out to you I was just packing my old archives and seen all this memorabilia, so I really identify with going back to childhood. It was a bit happier. There were tough times, but I felt safer. I feel like you, despair, and on the edge, with few prospects (if any). I don't like your father spitting at you. Do you really think people deserve to be abused ? :\

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I think it's a damn shame how they drill into students' heads that they won't be valuable members of society if they don't get a degree and then a white collar job, as if you're either corporate management or a cashier with no other options existing. If you want your own apartment in San Francisco or Manhattan then yeah, sure, but it just isn't true most places.

Dad unfortunately took the "college is everything" pill. Even if I did manage convince him that college isn't needed, he laughed at thinking I could do any sort of trade job because "you've never worked a day in your life".

The response to this is is a firm but mostly deadpan, "Watch me." Then you get your ass in gear and get on it. Just because someone treats you like to you're shit doesn't mean you are. Laziness is an assessment, not an innate state. Opinions are not fact. Maybe you can change his mind, maybe you can't. That's out of your control. His opinion isn't a lack of permission. Or maybe it is, but he's him, you're you, and trades pay well when you're done apprenticing so you'll be able to move out and leave him to be a jerk by himself.

You might start with looking up all the trade unions in your area. Physically walk into each one, ask in person, tell them you want to apprentice and ask what you need to get started, then go right away to start collecting whatever it is they said you need. This is how I got into my industry. Some of them will welcome you, some will give you a hard no, and some will try to deter you but will tell you what you need to do. In this last case it's important to ignore unpleasant exteriors and just follow the steps as if you read them on a timeless paper. It's a tactic to weed people out.

 

[S1mpleme]

A lazy, cowardly, selfish piece of shit that I turned into.

Lying to my Dad about college to save face and doing nothing but sitting on the computer and doing nothing. If I don't CTB, if he ever finds out, I'll be out on the fucking street, but I deserve it. Who wants a high school graduate that just wastes his potential rotting his brain on the computer or video games.

I fucked up so many things in my short life, but this one takes the cake.

I want to go back to my childhood again. I never listened to those moments that you're supposed to cherish. I feel like a fool now because I want nothing more than to go back to the times when I had no expectations or stress and I could just be myself. When I didn't have to put on a facade. Thinking about all the happy memories makes me cry.

I'm scared and alone. It hurts so much.

Can you talk to your dad? Just explain him and ask for help. No matter what, but he is your father, he must have feelings to you.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

Can you talk to your dad? Just explain him and ask for help. No matter what, but he is your father, he must have feelings to you.

It sounds like a toxic situation. It might be best not to make assumptions. My dad wouldn't have been any help in this either.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I think it's a damn shame how they drill into students' heads that they won't be valuable members of society if they don't get a degree and then a white collar job, as if you're either corporate management or a cashier with no other options existing. If you want your own apartment in San Francisco or Manhattan then sure, you'll probably need that six figure income, but it just isn't true or necessary in most places.

Yes it's crazy ><

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

Yes it's crazy ><

I've caught wind of efforts to combat this mentality because we have a shortage of tradespeople. There's been talk of reinstating funding for shop classes in public schools as both a way to restore the balance of types of workers and to curtail any worsening of the student debt crisis.

 

[faust]

I am so sorry you have such difficulties in your life... And I perfectly understand you in this situation. My parents think so too, for them college is like a magic pill which will lead to a bright future. And if one fails, this will destroy the relationships. It's not my first college, from the first I dropped out because it was unbearable. Although I started as the best student. I didn't go to another college, just didn't want to. Now it's third for me and I am repeating the year. If I fail once more, it may result in very severe consequences. Something is terribly wrong in our society when the relationships are measured in the degrees and digits on bank account, what do you think about that?

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I am so sorry you have such difficulties in your life... And I perfectly understand you in this situation. My parents think so too, for them college is like a magic pill which will lead to a bright future. And if one fails, this will destroy the relationships. It's not my first college, from the first I dropped out because it was unbearable. Although I started as the best student. I didn't go to another college, just didn't want to. Now it's third for me and I am repeating the year. If I fail once more, it may result in very severe consequences. Something is terribly wrong in our society when the relationships are measured in the degrees and digits on bank account, what do you think about that?

I think it's terrible. People are not homogenous and expecting everyone to be is unrealistic and unfair.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I've caught wind of efforts to combat this mentality because we have a shortage of tradespeople. There's been talk of reinstating funding for shop classes in public schools as both a way to restore the balance of types of workers and to curtail any worsening of the student debt crisis.

I see >< Yeah there needs to be some roots work going on too many of us myself included quite possibly get lost in our heads these days, that's partly to blame just being in the moment not on a thought train down a dark thought train drain <3

Yep yin and yang maybe sounds a bit like thank you for showing this to me, almost an alignment issue it would seem, too much yin, got to bring back yang <3

 

[faust]

I think it's terrible. People are not homogenous and expecting everyone to be is unrealistic and unfair.

The major problem is that many people who study and finish their colleges are merely fulfilling somebody's dreams, let it be parents or somebody else. Then they are working somewhere and fulfilling the dreams of the company owners. And when they retire, they do not even realize that the whole life they were wasting on the things that they actually didn't need.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

The major problem is that many people who study and finish their colleges are merely fulfilling somebody's dreams, let it be parents or somebody else. Then they are working somewhere and fulfilling the dreams of the company owners. And when they retire, they do not even realize that the whole life they were wasting on the things that they actually didn't need.

I think a lot of people just haven't been exposed to the idea that they themselves can do something else. They really just don't know, and a lot of the vitriol comes from internalized messages that their worth is correlated with whether they stay in line with convention, and so they view the world through that lens.

 

[jgm63]

The response to this is is a firm but mostly deadpan, "Watch me." Then you get your ass in gear and get on it. Just because someone treats you like to you're shit doesn't mean you are. Laziness is an assessment, not an innate state. Opinions are not fact. Maybe you can change his mind, maybe you can't. That's out of your control. His opinion isn't a lack of permission. Or maybe it is, but he's him, you're you, and trades pay well when you're done apprenticing so you'll be able to move out and leave him to be a jerk by himself.

You might start with looking up all the trade unions in your area. Physically walk into each one, ask in person, tell them you want to apprentice and ask what you need to get started, then go right away to start collecting whatever it is they said you need. This is how I got into my industry. Some of them will welcome you, some will give you a hard no, and some will try to deter you but will tell you what you need to do. In this last case it's important to ignore unpleasant exteriors and just follow the steps as if you read them on a timeless paper. It's a tactic to weed people out.

Have to say, this, or something like this, sounds like one "helluv" an idea....
Pick something you'd like to get into, find out who does it, and start "HARASSING" them, in the nicest and most positive way possible... Where possible, show up in person. Explain your predicament to them in great detail. Take what you've posted on this site and condense it down into a one page story. I'll happily proof-read for you and edit down to something concise. I'll bet there are people who would read your story and say, "I wanna help this kid out". Sooner or later, someone will give you a break, and it could be the start of something amazing. As soon as a small trickle of money comes in, you can rent a room somewhere, or something, or maybe in the interim, stay at some friends, or something, somehow there will be a way.....

 

[faust]

I think a lot of people just haven't been exposed to the idea that they themselves can do something else. They really just don't know, and a lot of the vitriol comes from internalized messages that their worth is correlated with whether they stay in line with convention, and so they view the world through that lens.

Agreed, and those who go 'against the system' are treated as losers, slackers and who knows who else

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

Have to say, this, or something like this, sounds like one "helluv" an idea....
Pick something you'd like to get into, find out who does it, and start "HARASSING" them, in the nicest and most positive way possible... Where possible, show up in person. Explain your predicament to them in great detail. Take what you've posted on this site and condense it down into a one page story. I'll happily proof-read for you and edit down to something concise. I'll bet there are people who would read your story and say, "I wanna help this kid out". Sooner or later, someone will give you a break, and it could be the start of something amazing. As soon as a small trickle of money comes in, you can rent a room somewhere, or something, or maybe in the interim, stay at some friends, or something, somehow there will be a way.....

This could also be done. I'd still suggest walking into the trade unions. Do both, although I'd probably keep the quotes around the harassment.

 

[jgm63]

This could also be done. I'd still suggest walking into the trade unions. Do both, although I'd probably keep the quotes around the harassment.

oh yes, I'm not suggesting there would be any mention of CTB in said writings. Just mention not knowing what to do about the situation and not knowing where to turn....

 

[Heady_Cerebrum]

You're an adult, I assume, so you do not have to answer to your father. Even if he gifted you the money. You are allowed to do what you need to do to live. With that being said, you're father is allowed to feel however he does about the situation. If you aren't able to deal with his reaction or is okay to disconnect, just bear in mind all actions have consequences, both positive and negative. At the end of the day you need to take care of you.

When I quit drinking and abusing drugs I was left with a life that was very different than the one I had before becoming addicted. One of the things I had to learn was to let go of the meter stick I was using to measure my life. I had to learn to be okay with where I was at in order to move forward, and to revise how I measured my life. It didn't serve me to compare my life to others. There is no quick fix, but things can get better.

If you're done, you're done, only you can decide that and no amount of hopeful messages will change that, but if you have a glimmer of hope keep trying life.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

oh yes, I'm not suggesting there would be any mention of CTB in said writings. Just mention not knowing what to do about the situation and not knowing where to turn....

You don't think this will put people off? It seems to me it might be better to give an air of "I got this" first. I don't think I'd hire someone if they came to me with a story of hardship with the implication that they were looking for someone to rescue them. I wouldn't be opposed to hiring someone whose story I was aware of but if the hard luck was used as the main device by which to get the job, rather than qualities that could make the person useful to the job, I think the best I could do would be to wish them well.

 

[jgm63]

You don't think this will put people off? It seems to me it might be better to give an air of "I got this" first. I don't think I'd hire someone if they came to me with a story of hardship with the implication that they were looking for someone to rescue them. I wouldn't be opposed to hiring someone whose story I was aware of but if the hard luck was used as the main device by which to get the job, rather than qualities that could make the person useful to the job, I think the best I could do would be to wish them well.

The approach I was proposing (although perhaps I wasn't clear enough) was to state that you had a burning desire to do the job in question, but that your family had prevented it... I feel there's quite a few people who might buy into that and feel they want to help. Or he could try 50% of his attempts that way, and 50% without mentioning the obstacles.... Guess the OP can decide for himself anyhow.... But yes, as you say, you still need to put your best foot forward. I wasn't proposing a sob-story only approach, although I didn't state fully what my approach was, I suppose I just assumed it was obvious to still include all the positive stuff....

 

[Hopeindeath!]

With all the kind responses from the people on this forum, I hope you don't feel alone anymore. We can all relate to having memories of a better time in our lives. What helps me is trying to accept my present situation, and not looking back at what used to be. When I start to have thoughts about how much better things were, I stop myself and start thinking about something else. I can't bring back yesterday, so I try to focus on changing what is happening in my life now.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I'm already 30 and it's relatable, a lot of people who knew me in high school would think the same <3

I'm 30 next month and I can't believe it's already here and how much time I've wastes and opportunities I've given up.