Venting If I were born as a boy, I don’t think I’d want to CTB as much.

[ShotgunShell]

This has been on my mind a lot as of recent. If I were born a boy, I don't think I'd want to die as much. The more I think on the subject, it's made me realize just how much of my suicidal tendencies are based off of who I am/my body and personality not seeming right.

Unfortunately, being transgender is not an option for me though I am a huge supporter of my trans brothers and sisters. My family takes the opportunity every time they see me to remind me that if I were trans or transitioned, they'd disown me in a heartbeat and wouldn't love me anymore. Now, if I were allowed to socially transition and had my families support, maybe I would be a lot happier. But who knows at this point?

I just hate this stupid body. I hate everything about it. There's nothing that I like being biologically female and I can't even shower anymore because I hate looking at my naked body just that much. It's not right, and it'll never be right. I'll never see myself as truly me I guess.
Seeing myself every day is a great reminder that I'll be able to CTB soon and be free from this stupid flesh sack.

Sometimes I wonder if this is even actually gender dysphoria or if I'm just a big baby.

 

[Darkover]

i'd hate to be a woman having to have children and the period

 

[thouxan]

This has been on my mind a lot as of recent. If I were born a boy, I don't think I'd want to die as much. The more I think on the subject, it's made me realize just how much of my suicidal tendencies are based off of who I am/my body and personality not seeming right.

Unfortunately, being transgender is not an option for me though I am a huge supporter of my trans brothers and sisters. My family takes the opportunity every time they see me to remind me that if I were trans or transitioned, they'd disown me in a heartbeat and wouldn't love me anymore. Now, if I were allowed to socially transition and had my families support, maybe I would be a lot happier. But who knows at this point?

I just hate this stupid body. I hate everything about it. There's nothing that I like being biologically female and I can't even shower anymore because I hate looking at my naked body just that much. It's not right, and it'll never be right. I'll never see myself as truly me I guess.
Seeing myself every day is a great reminder that I'll be able to CTB soon and be free from this stupid flesh sack.

Even though I am not transgender, and I cannot possibly understand how difficult it is from your view, I completely sympathise with you. It is extremely unfair how a lot of us are born with illnesses or disorders and we are expected to keep going and function in a world full of normal people who have never faced our difficulties and will never understand them. I wish you find peace

 

[ShotgunShell]

i'd hate to be a woman having to have children and the period

Yeah, periods suck ass. Thankfully I never plan on having children though, I can't even take care of myself right.

Even though I am not transgender, and I cannot possibly understand how difficult it is from your view, I completely sympathise with you. It is extremely unfair how a lot of us are born with illnesses or disorders and we are expected to keep going and function in a world full of normal people who have never faced our difficulties and will never understand them. I wish you find peace

Thank you, friend.

 

[dreadwolf]

I'm on the same boat my friend, though not exactly the same since I am an nb. But I understand the feeling of hating your body, I would like to have top surgery and maybe hormones but I think my family would kick me out if I did. Plus I have to constantly put up this persona of identifying as a woman for other people so that they feel comfortable in validating their outdated beliefs on gender. It is tiring to worry about how things would change if I were to come out like would I get fired from my job? would the few friends I have hate me like I'm sure my dysfunctional family would? Would I get jumped by some transphobic freak and end up dead like so many of our trans siblings do? Sorry to go off on a tangent like that but know that you are not alone in your suffering as I have been dealt the same pain. I wish that there was a place where we could be ourselves in peace, well I guess we have this forum lol.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so cruel and there could certainly never be anything fair about existing in this world. It must be tiring feeling trapped in that situation but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Aisley]

God, my heart bleeds for every little girl out there who hates her body. Years ago I was right there. Through the most random of chances, I made friends with a woman who was a pure goddess of a diesel dyke, from back in the day, and put me on to some first generation feminist liturature. Susan Brownmiller and the like. Now maybe it helped me because I wanted it to. You know? I will fully acknowledge that. No one wants to hate their own body, their own self.
And aside from that, since then I often wonder how much of my self hatred I can put on my mysogenist mother. I say this so you might look around your family, and filter or just recognize it where it might exist. I've talked fo my sister about this in recent years, and she went through a similar experience. Right down to self cutting, and a ctb attempt with alcohol poisoning. It's amazing the convo's we have these days, decades after. So many "yeah, me to's".
I'm so sorry you feel this way, in this life, in this body. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but our own hells are just that- our own.

 

[ASAPLeaving]

I can relate but on the opposite. I wish we could trade bodies, but sadly not possible. I am sorry is all I can say.

 

[dbtorctb]

This has been on my mind a lot as of recent. If I were born a boy, I don't think I'd want to die as much. The more I think on the subject, it's made me realize just how much of my suicidal tendencies are based off of who I am/my body and personality not seeming right.

Unfortunately, being transgender is not an option for me though I am a huge supporter of my trans brothers and sisters. My family takes the opportunity every time they see me to remind me that if I were trans or transitioned, they'd disown me in a heartbeat and wouldn't love me anymore. Now, if I were allowed to socially transition and had my families support, maybe I would be a lot happier. But who knows at this point?

I just hate this stupid body. I hate everything about it. There's nothing that I like being biologically female and I can't even shower anymore because I hate looking at my naked body just that much. It's not right, and it'll never be right. I'll never see myself as truly me I guess.
Seeing myself every day is a great reminder that I'll be able to CTB soon and be free from this stupid flesh sack.

Sometimes I wonder if this is even actually gender dysphoria or if I'm just a big baby.

I understand the inability to go against your family's wishes when they are such a big part of your world. just know it's never too late to transition, and there may be a point when you're away from them, or they disown you for some other reason because their love sounds very conditional, and there'll be no reason for you not to live for your pleasure alone. with insurance or help from community it doesnt have to be impossibly expensive to shape your body to what you feel it should be. testosterone changes SO much even without surgery, and itll work the same at any age. im sorry you didnt get the boyhood you couldve thrived in, but you can have a second try at your teens with puberty 2 lol. just know it's never too late, you can find people that will see you as you truly are

 

[boblong]

It's not you who is at fault , it's bc of society's beauty standards and your parents unsupportive behavior.

 

[Shy_Shay]

it makes me happy to find other people here that can understand me as i can understand them and your situation is no different, i didn't even know my hate had a name until i joined sasu and saw/talk to others with similar experiences, i also hate my gender and can't really transition right now, but know that we support you in anyway we can, whatever may be your decision in the future...

i wish you best in your endeavor

 

[Covalite]

This has been on my mind a lot as of recent. If I were born a boy, I don't think I'd want to die as much. The more I think on the subject, it's made me realize just how much of my suicidal tendencies are based off of who I am/my body and personality not seeming right.

Unfortunately, being transgender is not an option for me though I am a huge supporter of my trans brothers and sisters. My family takes the opportunity every time they see me to remind me that if I were trans or transitioned, they'd disown me in a heartbeat and wouldn't love me anymore. Now, if I were allowed to socially transition and had my families support, maybe I would be a lot happier. But who knows at this point?

I just hate this stupid body. I hate everything about it. There's nothing that I like being biologically female and I can't even shower anymore because I hate looking at my naked body just that much. It's not right, and it'll never be right. I'll never see myself as truly me I guess.
Seeing myself every day is a great reminder that I'll be able to CTB soon and be free from this stupid flesh sack.

Sometimes I wonder if this is even actually gender dysphoria or if I'm just a big baby.

I can relate a lot to this post. Im a trans woman and part of my extended family have disowned me for that sole reason and other parts of my family have disowned me as well. Every one says i was so lucky with my transition and that hormones did wonders for me but i still cant stand parts of my body. Like yeah im busty from hormones alone but my voice and my nether regions are a dead give away. I cant tuck due to the size of "my nethers" so it often outs me. Basicly what im trying to say is your not a "big baby" as you called it, your entirely vaild and very relatable. I hope the best for you what ever path you choose in life.