Venting If I met myself, I wouldn't like me.

[before20]

I truly can't remember the last time I liked myself. Even at my happiest and most accomplished, I didn't like myself. And now that I'm depressed and miserable, I'm even worse.

I'm rude. I snap at my family a lot. I don't have friends anymore because I'm a chronic ghoster. I'm ungrateful, a slob, lazy, and selfish. I make everything about myself. Even this whole vent sounds insufferable. It's truly a miracle anyone put up with me at any given point in my life. I used to have disdain for my old friends, think they didn't care, but I've now realized the truth is perhaps they cared too much. I feel bad for everyone in my life who has ever shared a piece of their heart with me, because they never got, and will never get, anything in return. So much of their precious time wasted on a cretin like myself, a literal stain on the face of the planet. It's even worse because I knew this. And instead of changing and growing like a normal fucking person, I hid those parts of myself, because I knew the moment I was discovered I would be discarded. But who can blame them? It certainly would've been the better outcome for them. Less reason to grieve after I CTB.

But the actual worst part is I could probably turn things around. But I'm not. I'm just wasting away, because some part of me is fundamentally broken, undisciplined and unwilling to preserve anything in my best interests.

I just want to die so I can be rid of me.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Ive oft

I truly can't remember the last time I liked myself. Even at my happiest and most accomplished, I didn't like myself. And now that I'm depressed and miserable, I'm even worse.

I'm rude. I snap at my family a lot. I don't have friends anymore because I'm a chronic ghoster. I'm ungrateful, a slob, lazy, and selfish. I make everything about myself. Even this whole vent sounds insufferable. It's truly a miracle anyone put up with me at any given point in my life. I used to have disdain for my old friends, think they didn't care, but I've now realized the truth is perhaps they cared too much. I feel bad for everyone in my life who has ever shared a piece of their heart with me, because they never got, and will never get, anything in return. So much of their precious time wasted on a cretin like myself, a literal stain on the face of the planet. It's even worse because I knew this. And instead of changing and growing like a normal fucking person, I hid those parts of myself, because I knew the moment I was discovered I would be discarded. But who can blame them? It certainly would've been the better outcome for them. Less reason to grieve after I CTB.

But the actual worst part is I could probably turn things around. But I'm not. I'm just wasting away, because some part of me is fundamentally broken, undisciplined and unwilling to preserve anything in my best interests.

I just want to die so I can be rid of me.

Ive often wondered if a younger me say in college met me now what they'd say. Honestly, when you are robbed of everything literally. Have it stolen from you. Then told survive and admonished for not thriving when you also are thrust into a situation with 0 opportunities and no way to create any. There's not many lessons available or things to look to.

Am I on drugs no. Drinking no. Gambling no. Engaging in things I shouldn't be no. About the only thing someone can say is find friends. But that's more or less impossible when you have no money and probably literally impossible when you are autistic as well. You know I don't want handout or kept on life support in misery. I want a helping hand to reward several times over. That would require society and people to give a shit. I guess the take away is how fucking awful humanity and people are when even pedophiles get treated better then me. I'm not sure that's a lesson you want or should take to heart. Because it basically necessitates you lose your empathy or ignore it and because the biggest monster you can possibly become. Given what I spent most of my adult life trying to do id argue empathy is/was one of my strengths in life so even worse still. The honest truth is the biggest takeway is sometimes society just leaves people to die. People who absolutely could make a difference and do good etc... There's just people the universe chooses to basically execute. Killed with apathy. I guess I'm one of them.