I feel pretty bad as usual. Three weeks ago an aunt died and I cleaned her dead body. She died at my cousin's house and I was there at the time. She had cancer. It's the first time I touched a dead body, the smell, the feel of the skin, the weight of the body once the person is dead is a feeling I can't forget and I think it traumatized me a little bit. She was in the intensive recovery process of my brother after a traffic accident that could have killed him and that is why I was fond of her. I don't like to remember her like this, but I don't know what I should do.
I have been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time. I have taken antidepressant medication to overdose, but it was not successful. I had to deal with the consequences. I have been looking for painless methods, but it is also very difficult for me to commit suicide. All that trauma and pain that I can cause to those around me, whether they hurt me or not, is something that stops me. I don't feel happy. I am a student at a prestigious university in my country, I am doing very well academically, I even have a job with multiple professors. I have a scholarship from the state and I have won two important awards from the university. But I don't feel happy, none of this makes me feel better, in fact, it makes me feel more depressed, stressed out and anxious. Sometimes I think that the people around me are not interested in me, think badly of me or envy me.
I told a friend that I won again the award for the best in my career. The next day, I saw her with puffy eyes, as if she had cried. That made me feel bad and it makes me rethink our friendship.
But I'm a coward. I haven't kill myself after all. I live in a lot of pain, the world is a horrible place. I wish I had the courage like some people to commit suicide and finally be free.
Also, I feel like I am a bad person. For example, there are times when I don't want to eat because my sister asks me to make food, but I get busy because I am working or studying and sometimes I don't do it and she gets mad at me. So I prefer not to eat because I feel guilty, as if I don't deserve the food she makes, even though she always leaves me food. It makes me feel very bad and I just wish my heart would stop beating and I could leave this world. In fact, I wish I had never been born.
We are suffering, everyone does, if you are reading this post, probably you're in a lot of pain. I wish I could end all the suffering from you, but it's impossible.
I have been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time. I have taken antidepressant medication to overdose, but it was not successful. I had to deal with the consequences. I have been looking for painless methods, but it is also very difficult for me to commit suicide. All that trauma and pain that I can cause to those around me, whether they hurt me or not, is something that stops me. I don't feel happy. I am a student at a prestigious university in my country, I am doing very well academically, I even have a job with multiple professors. I have a scholarship from the state and I have won two important awards from the university. But I don't feel happy, none of this makes me feel better, in fact, it makes me feel more depressed, stressed out and anxious. Sometimes I think that the people around me are not interested in me, think badly of me or envy me.
I told a friend that I won again the award for the best in my career. The next day, I saw her with puffy eyes, as if she had cried. That made me feel bad and it makes me rethink our friendship.
But I'm a coward. I haven't kill myself after all. I live in a lot of pain, the world is a horrible place. I wish I had the courage like some people to commit suicide and finally be free.
Also, I feel like I am a bad person. For example, there are times when I don't want to eat because my sister asks me to make food, but I get busy because I am working or studying and sometimes I don't do it and she gets mad at me. So I prefer not to eat because I feel guilty, as if I don't deserve the food she makes, even though she always leaves me food. It makes me feel very bad and I just wish my heart would stop beating and I could leave this world. In fact, I wish I had never been born.
We are suffering, everyone does, if you are reading this post, probably you're in a lot of pain. I wish I could end all the suffering from you, but it's impossible.
