If I cannot be forgiven, then I want to be forgotten.

[-nobodyknows-]

What a dreadful thing it is to cause pain to others. If only there was a way in which one could simply erase themselves from this world. No images. No memories. No trace of one's existence. A true Damnatio Memoriae.

I don't think I have the right to ask to be forgiveness in advance. "If you want to be forgiven, then why would you do it in the first place?" It's a good question, and I don't have a good answer. So, instead, I hope to compromise. If you cannot forgive me, then please forget me.

I know that what I will do will hurt the people around me. I despise myself for this. But I don't know what else to do. The constant rejections by this world are forcing me into a position that I don't even want. But there isn't much of a choice. I refuse to allow myself to become a burden to the people I care about.

The toughest part about this is if I were to try to explain in advance, they would insist that this is not true, that I just need to try to make something of myself. I know this because I've done so a long time ago. Normal people have a very hard time understanding this way of thinking. I don't blame them for it, I think they somehow feel like they are obligated to try to help. But I know all too well that they can't handle it. That they will simply grow more and more frustrated with me as our relationship erodes. I don't really know how to manage this. The only thing I can do is try to put up a front, and pretend that everything is fine.

And yet, even now, and I think even up until the very moment my life ends, I continue to try to move as if everything will work out somehow. Applying to things. Doing my work. Hanging out with other people. I know deep in my heart that it is all pointless, that I am fated to kill myself. But I still try to give things a chance to change. I sincerely hope that something does. I don't want to destroy the lives of the people who care about me.

But I fear that there is nothing more to do. I simply must keep moving forward. As dark as it has become, I must continue walking as if I can see what is in front of me. I must not show any signs of distress. I must grit my teeth. I know that there is a vast cliff before me. I cannot tell how far away it is, but I can hear the waves below.

I can only hope that someone will notice, and catch me before I fall.

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

This hit home. The worst part of it is even after you die, you're never really gone.