If anything this forum made me less suicidal

[SpaxeZ]

Yes this forum ruined suicide for me. If I didn't know anything about this website I would go along with whatever plan that would come to my mind and commit having had the peaceful view of suicide I used to have in mind. That death is the answer and it will be easy but this forum made me see how f*king hard it is and how every method has the risk of failure. It's for my own good I know. That's actually a positive side of this forum existing. To let us know about the risks and prevent impulsive acts that might result in injuries and ending up worse but all in all I feel so awful rn. I don't have any sure method to end it. Living for me rn is suffering. Death and suicide is not peaceful anymore. Even what happens after is unknown. I can't live like this.. fading into psychosis and going insane everyday. Can't enjoy anything. Can't afford therapy.. Can't kill myself. I even came back to questioning my current reality and fighting it in a way of not believing my problem exists when it does and affects my life. Keep remembering every memory and replaying my life in my mind in a way that would have made me have a different life by now. Having lost the sense with reality. I envy those who have succeeded to end it. The worst part rn is that I don't feel suicidal despite suffering. I know that I have to end it but I just have so much going on my mind that can't make the decision. This is so hellish.. I'm so frustrated

 

[FuneralCry]

I also envy those who managed to ctb as it really is so difficult to die on our own terms, I also feel so trapped here and I understand that it's tortuous and dreadful. We should just have the option to die in peace in a guaranteed way when we wish to, it's so cruel how we don't, we really shouldn't have to suffer so much to be free from existing. I just hate how this society is so anti-suicide with suicide purposely made so inaccessible, it's just horrifying to me how it's this way even despite the fact that this world is filled with suffering.