a_carbon_based_life
I AM TIRED AND IN PAIN
- Aug 16, 2023
- 44
Tw: SA, child abuse, medical neglect
So here's my situation, if I could see I reasonable way to make my life more bearable id take it but I think I've been backed into a corner.
I'm 20, 21 in August, I have autism, ADHD, depression since 8, PTSD since 10 at the oldest, anxiety since I can remember and psychotic symptoms since 15 with 2 major psychotic breakdowns. My main triggers are teachers, school buildings, talking to people in person, and being in public. I had to drop out of high school due to the adults (both family and school staff) reusing to acknowledge / offer support for my PTSD from being beaten by teachers when I was younger and severely emotionally abused by them (having teachers call meetings to have the whole class discuss what they didn't like about me, telling me that me and my family are stupid, trying to make me dig through the trash with my bare hands because I didn't recycle and then telling me I deserved to be in pain when I started crying / laughing at me when I cried) which led to having panic attacks whenever I entered a school building and developing chronic depersonalization and de realization at 10. In addition I developed a heart condition that I was also not given accommodations for by the school and was blamed for not bringing it up with them sooner even though I sent them my medical records within a month of getting an actual diagnosis. All this culminated in me having a psychotic breakdown in which I couldn't take care of my most basic needs for around a year and had to start super gluing my own nails back together (the only help I was given by anyone was being told to get a therapist which I didn't have access to at the time). Because of all this I don't feel like college is a safe option for me at the moment even though my ged test scored were high enough to count as college credits.
I'm stuck living with my abusive parents ATM: I'm pretty sure my dad's a nazi (went on a rant about how he thinks there are plans to kill all white people and how he thinks Jewish people control the media while drunk (also an alcoholic) and he tries to tone down his politics around me since I'm trans and very left leaning which leads me to believe this is just the tip of the iceberg for him) , he's def an apocalypse prepper and has the basement turned into a good and water storage place. He's donated money to transphobes and people who say they think people like me deserve to die and then come back to brag to me about it. My mother has actively tried to convince me to kill myself before, she knew my heart wasn't beating correctly for two years and intentionally kept me from getting medical attention because in her own words "she knew she would have to spend the night in a hospital and she just didn't feel like it" also my dad only let me sleep like 3 hours a night from ~11-13 and would keep me io verbally abusing me and then would either threaten or ask permission to kill himself if I tried to stick up for myself or leave and still occasionly mentions that he plans to kill himself if I ever try to move out.
Experience with programs made to help people like me: I've been to 3 mental hospitals since I first joined this site like 2 years ago the first two let me leave keeping full well I wasn't mentally stable yet, the second one asked me to keep in touch with them and promised they'd still help me once I left but them stopped answering my emails even though I still hadn't found a therapist that felt capable to take my case yet which led me to the third mental hospital which initially promised I wouldn't have to go back to my abusive parents. They gave me COVID in a preventable way within my fist 2 days, made me stay in a room with a 25 year old man who would walk in on me in the bathroom 3 times a day while I was still recovering from a sexual assault, the php they tried to send me to was obviously a scam and rejected me at the last second because I refused to go without them actually telling me how much it cost and when I asked my caseamaher to borrow the phone after that to see if any homeless shelters had any spots available she refused. I hopped the fence and hitchhiked to the nearest homeless shelter where I was turned away the next day. Ive also repeatedly contacted local rehousing programs for mentally ill youth and lgbt youth but the only response I've ever really gotten was 1 person wishing me luck and that's it
Support systems: my external family is aware of my situation and have not only refused to help me but try to convince me that it's actually not that bad. After my psychotic episode at 15 I was too afraid to leave my house again until I was 18 and the first person I met who I really trusted after trying to go outside again repeatedly SA'd and emotionally abused me to the point I had another psychotic break and developed dissociative amnesia and ended up reacting to it in a way I still deeply regret. During this time I discovered my only close friend had been lying to me for the entirely of out friendship and I haven't been able to get close to anyone since.
Because of all this shit I have a 4 year gap in my resume, not to mention being autistic and having a tic disorder and not being able to have led a consistent social life for the past 6+ years makes interviews horrific for me. And that's not to mention that's there is a very real chance I'm still too mentally unstable to be able to hold a job for very long.
Sorry this is so long I just really don't know what to do anymore. My therapists essentially keep telling to me just get up and try again but the last two times I tried to just go for it I ended up getting raped and then having to hitchhike to a homeless shelter. I really don't see an end to any of this pain in sight any more, I feel like I wasn't born or raised to be able to function in this world. They say it's important to
keep growing and learning but like I don't see the point anymore, I'm tired of being in pain, I'm unstable to the point that I'm struggling to control myself anymore. I feel like there just really isn't a way out for me anymore and there hasn't been for a while
So here's my situation, if I could see I reasonable way to make my life more bearable id take it but I think I've been backed into a corner.
I'm 20, 21 in August, I have autism, ADHD, depression since 8, PTSD since 10 at the oldest, anxiety since I can remember and psychotic symptoms since 15 with 2 major psychotic breakdowns. My main triggers are teachers, school buildings, talking to people in person, and being in public. I had to drop out of high school due to the adults (both family and school staff) reusing to acknowledge / offer support for my PTSD from being beaten by teachers when I was younger and severely emotionally abused by them (having teachers call meetings to have the whole class discuss what they didn't like about me, telling me that me and my family are stupid, trying to make me dig through the trash with my bare hands because I didn't recycle and then telling me I deserved to be in pain when I started crying / laughing at me when I cried) which led to having panic attacks whenever I entered a school building and developing chronic depersonalization and de realization at 10. In addition I developed a heart condition that I was also not given accommodations for by the school and was blamed for not bringing it up with them sooner even though I sent them my medical records within a month of getting an actual diagnosis. All this culminated in me having a psychotic breakdown in which I couldn't take care of my most basic needs for around a year and had to start super gluing my own nails back together (the only help I was given by anyone was being told to get a therapist which I didn't have access to at the time). Because of all this I don't feel like college is a safe option for me at the moment even though my ged test scored were high enough to count as college credits.
I'm stuck living with my abusive parents ATM: I'm pretty sure my dad's a nazi (went on a rant about how he thinks there are plans to kill all white people and how he thinks Jewish people control the media while drunk (also an alcoholic) and he tries to tone down his politics around me since I'm trans and very left leaning which leads me to believe this is just the tip of the iceberg for him) , he's def an apocalypse prepper and has the basement turned into a good and water storage place. He's donated money to transphobes and people who say they think people like me deserve to die and then come back to brag to me about it. My mother has actively tried to convince me to kill myself before, she knew my heart wasn't beating correctly for two years and intentionally kept me from getting medical attention because in her own words "she knew she would have to spend the night in a hospital and she just didn't feel like it" also my dad only let me sleep like 3 hours a night from ~11-13 and would keep me io verbally abusing me and then would either threaten or ask permission to kill himself if I tried to stick up for myself or leave and still occasionly mentions that he plans to kill himself if I ever try to move out.
Experience with programs made to help people like me: I've been to 3 mental hospitals since I first joined this site like 2 years ago the first two let me leave keeping full well I wasn't mentally stable yet, the second one asked me to keep in touch with them and promised they'd still help me once I left but them stopped answering my emails even though I still hadn't found a therapist that felt capable to take my case yet which led me to the third mental hospital which initially promised I wouldn't have to go back to my abusive parents. They gave me COVID in a preventable way within my fist 2 days, made me stay in a room with a 25 year old man who would walk in on me in the bathroom 3 times a day while I was still recovering from a sexual assault, the php they tried to send me to was obviously a scam and rejected me at the last second because I refused to go without them actually telling me how much it cost and when I asked my caseamaher to borrow the phone after that to see if any homeless shelters had any spots available she refused. I hopped the fence and hitchhiked to the nearest homeless shelter where I was turned away the next day. Ive also repeatedly contacted local rehousing programs for mentally ill youth and lgbt youth but the only response I've ever really gotten was 1 person wishing me luck and that's it
Support systems: my external family is aware of my situation and have not only refused to help me but try to convince me that it's actually not that bad. After my psychotic episode at 15 I was too afraid to leave my house again until I was 18 and the first person I met who I really trusted after trying to go outside again repeatedly SA'd and emotionally abused me to the point I had another psychotic break and developed dissociative amnesia and ended up reacting to it in a way I still deeply regret. During this time I discovered my only close friend had been lying to me for the entirely of out friendship and I haven't been able to get close to anyone since.
Because of all this shit I have a 4 year gap in my resume, not to mention being autistic and having a tic disorder and not being able to have led a consistent social life for the past 6+ years makes interviews horrific for me. And that's not to mention that's there is a very real chance I'm still too mentally unstable to be able to hold a job for very long.
Sorry this is so long I just really don't know what to do anymore. My therapists essentially keep telling to me just get up and try again but the last two times I tried to just go for it I ended up getting raped and then having to hitchhike to a homeless shelter. I really don't see an end to any of this pain in sight any more, I feel like I wasn't born or raised to be able to function in this world. They say it's important to
keep growing and learning but like I don't see the point anymore, I'm tired of being in pain, I'm unstable to the point that I'm struggling to control myself anymore. I feel like there just really isn't a way out for me anymore and there hasn't been for a while
