idk what to title this

[Charlotte_blermf]

I've been abused like all my fucking life, as a kid with physical and emotional abuse from my siblings and friends and then emotional abuse now from my siblings still. I fucking hate so many people I have so much rage in my heart. I want to kill myself and see my abusers reactions to it, I want to write a suicide note, have it plastered in their names with my blood and see that they regret even a bit of what they did. I want to show my siblings my scars and cuts and have the shut the fuck up for once in their god damn life. I've been passively suicidal since like 4th grade, I want to feel pain and I want other people to feel it too. It makes me sick how I sometimes have positive dream about my abusers or think they weren't that bad. They made me fucking suicidal as a 10 year old.

I crave attention and I want my friends to know how fucked up my head is, but they'll never understand me. I have intrusive thoughts and stuff and I know it's not my fault but that also grosses me out a lot too. I want my friends to notice how bad my depression really fucking is, I want them to at least understand a bit without me having to say anything. I want people online to talk to me and not think I'm some weirdo. I know it's bad but I'm co-depended as fuck in relationships whether that be emotionally or physically I probably won't be able to live by myself. I have autism so it's hard for me to take care of myself, currently I only have breakfast on school days and lunch on most days and rarely dinner because I forget/don't have time. I wouldn't eat if It wasn't for my routine, I also wouldn't bathe either or take care of myself at all. I don't sleep enough most days. I constently feel like I'm a burden to my friends, that I'm treating them badly or something. I isolate myself at home because my family is fucking annoying and I don't know how to reach out to my friends. I had an irl friend group like 2 years ago where I would vent to them a lot but I've grown apart from them, which is kinda okay because one of the guys was probably unhealthily in love with me and one was a really weird guy who made rape and pedo jokes. But they knew my secrets, my abuse and a lot of my thoughts. I hate the thought of my friends seeing me so vulnerable like that, I hate the thought of anyone seeing me like that point blank. Yet that's what I crave, I wanna feel vulnerable but I cage myself so no one knows what I'm thinking. I've never even cried in front of my friends for the past like 4 years because I hate being weak. I'm so depressed but I can barely reach out to other people. Online I feel bad because I'm currently dating someone who's nice and all but we have a long distance between us and I don't have enough energy so I'll probably come clean to them soon like in a day or two, I never loved them and I feel bad for lying but it's what I do. I lie so one day maybe the lie would be true. I desperately want to love and want to be loved unhealthily. I don't deserve kindness, I deserve to be used. I just want someone who understands that, who treats me how I should be treated. I'm still kinda in love with my ex V and we still sometimes talk but he's straight and my gender is like not binary and maybe fluid. probably will update this maybe I won't idk. images are indicators for something unrelated here

 

[MBG]

Here's a reply I posted in another thread. It might help you too.

***

When I feel really down a few things help lift my spirits. (1) Just spill my guts out to God in prayer. Closing your eyes can help avoid being distracted and losing your train of thought. A handy little formula is ACTS: Adoration: tell God how wonderful, powerful, just and yet merciful He is. Confession: tell God how you've done wrong to others (we confess our sins against others, not their sins against us), and beg for mercy and forgiveness. Thanksgiving: thanks Him for all the small and great blessings He has blessed you with in particular and humanity in general. And last, Supplication: this is you asking God to do something for you or another. Close by saying something like "Please help me God and guide me to a loving relationship with you."

Another thing I do is go on YouTube and listen to 15-30 minutes of Gregorian chants to calm my mind (no, I do not understand the words, but the music is soothing), and then about the same amount of time listening to classic Christian hymns (good teaching), and last the same amount of time listening to contemporary praise songs (lifting up my spirit).

Even if you are not a Christian you might try this. It doesn't cost anything and can't hurt you.

 

[Yaffle]

Not for me but I'm glad if it helps you.

 

[Charlotte_blermf]

Here's a reply I posted in another thread. It might help you too.

***

When I feel really down a few things help lift my spirits. (1) Just spill my guts out to God in prayer. Closing your eyes can help avoid being distracted and losing your train of thought. A handy little formula is ACTS: Adoration: tell God how wonderful, powerful, just and yet merciful He is. Confession: tell God how you've done wrong to others (we confess our sins against others, not their sins against us), and beg for mercy and forgiveness. Thanksgiving: thanks Him for all the small and great blessings He has blessed you with in particular and humanity in general. And last, Supplication: this is you asking God to do something for you or another. Close by saying something like "Please help me God and guide me to a loving relationship with you."

Another thing I do is go on YouTube and listen to 15-30 minutes of Gregorian chants to calm my mind (no, I do not understand the words, but the music is soothing), and then about the same amount of time listening to classic Christian hymns (good teaching), and last the same amount of time listening to contemporary praise songs (lifting up my spirit).

Even if you are not a Christian you might try this. It doesn't cost anything and can't hurt you.

not at all religious so that won't help but thanks for suggestion