Venting idk what to do or how to keep going

[LachieS]

Originally, I had plans to go back to America, meet my 2 online friends there and then buy a gun (I'm a citizen). I currently live in another country and the ticket to get there would cost a lot. I've spent the last few months trying to get a job, which was very hard, probably because I'm an adult and it's cheaper to pay teens. I was lucky enough to get employed in hospitality work, almost as full time but got kicked down to casual because family planned holidays during Christmas season.
I was planning on going in Feb, it lines up with an event in one of my hobbies, but I've run out of time to earn enough, also I need an American passport to reenter, so I guess I'm not going.
So now I don't know what to do. I really don't feel like existing anymore, I have dysthymia and have had it since like mid 2019. At the start, it was just feeling kinda down everyday, but the last year or so it's gotten so much worse and I feel really bad literally all the time. I've run out of hope for the future. I didn't plan for the future, and now that I'm actually here, I'm so lost. I don't really have any reasons to keep living and I can't find a way to justify keeping going. I don't know what response I want, I just wanted to tell someone. I have a small group of irl friends, but I don't talk much with them online, they seem busy all the time and it's hard to go out with them, for the same reason. It's impossible to live everyday without talking to people. I'm stuck, drowning in my head all day.
I think about CTB so much all the time, and idk what's keeping me here, I really don't.

 

[53 Huffy A-Ride]

It sounds like there are still things you look forward to. Things you clearly want to do, like the event you mentioned wanting to attend and friends you still want to see.
We all know what this site truly is and what its for, but what i just read does not sound like many of the "success stories" around here, and as a result i do not think i can condone your current plans to catch the bus. I dont think its outrageous for me to guess that you're against medication of any kind, but here are some straight facts:
Dysthemia absolutely can result in highs and lows that can last as long as months at a time, which sounds like what you are experiencing. What's really fucking cool about Dysthemia though is that its INCREDIBLY common (bout 3 million diagnoses in the US alone per year) and is treatable with pretty much the safest antidepressents there are: SSRIs. Many people will tell you on this site that all pills are bad, but bout 95% of the time those are the same people who have zero fucking life experiences at all, and are the type to emotionally double down rather than admit they're wrong. I remember thinking i had the whole world figured out too, but then i turned 20. Anyway, SSRIs really are exceptionally gentle in what they do to you, and they are rather very well researched. The side effects are incredibly light, and you can pretty much stop taking the drug cold turkey without risk of much at all happening to you (but that is never going to be medically advised lol). Taking that drug WONT cure your depression, but thats not what anti-depressants are for. They're meant to just kinda stabilize things a bit further, to allow you to more clearly process things in your head while going through some form of therapy.
I wouldn't take the time to write this if i thought you truly were ready to catch the bus. You clearly still do have things you enjoy, or you wouldnt be prioritizing them prior to CTB - friends, events. Life is fucking hard right now, no doubt, but things do also get better and my suggestion of an SSRI and therapy isnt even lifelong. On average, those who take SSRIs to treat milder depressions like Dysthemia and stay on their SSRIs for 9months to a year achieve remission of symptoms so successful that they never need to take antidepressants again in their lives. Those who did not stay on them for 9 to 12 months had drastically higher chances of needing antidepressants again in their lives.

What are my qualifications? Unlike the angsty teens that ravage this site with their edge and anime wallpapers:
I am a male with clinically diagnosed BPD and psychosis, was born premature and have not as much brain matter as everyone else. As a result, I am constantly battling with mental illness, quite literally every day. The part of life i fear the most is coming to in front of groups of people and then trying to explain away like im not fucking crazy as to why i was just talking to people who weren't there while being completely unaware of those who are. Those bouts are usually paired with my PTSD episodes from getting drugged and raped when i joined the army as a teenager by fellow unitmembers. For what its worth, I was also abused as a kid and have had to go through assloads of therapy just to overcome that. Still working on the rape, as well as using therapies such as DBT/CBT to overcome the BPD (remission of most mental illness is possible). Everything mentioned was present in my life by the time i was 18, and I was able to recognize that I got dealt a pretty shitty hand. Despite all those complications and waking up every day not wanting to continue, I made the rank of sergeant by the age of 19 (fucking insane today), came out of the military with an honorable discharge and 6 years served, switched gears and bought a gastronomy book, studied it and made it into an awarded kitchen where I became a chef without culinary school. Mental illness kicked in, and I burned basically every bridge in culinary. Shit. On the fly, I taught myself how to program to try and get a better life and somehow i actually did it and made it into tech. Thought I was saved and life was gonna be ez street as a programmer making six figs while still being a young single guy, but mental illness prevailed and once again i burned every bridge again - this time in tech. Still though, didnt give up, and then taught myself enough electrical work to find a job as a sponsored hire for an electrician (so i wouldnt have to attend any schools and lose valuable time). Guess what, made it as an electrician but once again mental health took me out of the field rather quickly. I could give you two more completely unrelated fields ive entered through self teaching and then self sabotage due to mental health, but you get the idea. When I finally nutted up and accepted that just because im competent doesnt mean shit if my mind isnt taken care of first, I was able to finally break away from my stubborn dumbassery, get on a light SSRI, and started therapy.

Life is a lot fucking better for me now. I am in my 30s now and have been given MANY opportunities by life to fail, but all those failures led to some honestly wicked success, and what I just read from you is EXACTLY what I would have written those many years ago now when I was younger. Seriously, reading your post was like looking into a spooky time travel mirror. Don't actually give up, because I don't see that you are there yet. Also, dont compare yourself to others in case you do. My dad didnt have his shit together and not a penny to his name until he was like 45, and now the fucker is a millionaire because he finally figured things out. Life starts at different times for everybody, dont worry that its shit now. Its kinda supposed to be, in a fucked up way lol.

You'll figure things out too. I absolutely believe you will. It just takes a lot longer than anyone cares to admit.

 

[LachieS]

It sounds like there are still things you look forward to. Things you clearly want to do, like the event you mentioned wanting to attend and friends you still want to see.
We all know what this site truly is and what its for, but what i just read does not sound like many of the "success stories" around here, and as a result i do not think i can condone your current plans to catch the bus. I dont think its outrageous for me to guess that you're against medication of any kind, but here are some straight facts:
Dysthemia absolutely can result in highs and lows that can last as long as months at a time, which sounds like what you are experiencing. What's really fucking cool about Dysthemia though is that its INCREDIBLY common (bout 3 million diagnoses in the US alone per year) and is treatable with pretty much the safest antidepressents there are: SSRIs. Many people will tell you on this site that all pills are bad, but bout 95% of the time those are the same people who have zero fucking life experiences at all, and are the type to emotionally double down rather than admit they're wrong. I remember thinking i had the whole world figured out too, but then i turned 20. Anyway, SSRIs really are exceptionally gentle in what they do to you, and they are rather very well researched. The side effects are incredibly light, and you can pretty much stop taking the drug cold turkey without risk of much at all happening to you (but that is never going to be medically advised lol). Taking that drug WONT cure your depression, but thats not what anti-depressants are for. They're meant to just kinda stabilize things a bit further, to allow you to more clearly process things in your head while going through some form of therapy.
I wouldn't take the time to write this if i thought you truly were ready to catch the bus. You clearly still do have things you enjoy, or you wouldnt be prioritizing them prior to CTB - friends, events. Life is fucking hard right now, no doubt, but things do also get better and my suggestion of an SSRI and therapy isnt even lifelong. On average, those who take SSRIs to treat milder depressions like Dysthemia and stay on their SSRIs for 9months to a year achieve remission of symptoms so successful that they never need to take antidepressants again in their lives. Those who did not stay on them for 9 to 12 months had drastically higher chances of needing antidepressants again in their lives.

What are my qualifications? Unlike the angsty teens that ravage this site with their edge and anime wallpapers:
I am a male with clinically diagnosed BPD and psychosis, was born premature and have not as much brain matter as everyone else. As a result, I am constantly battling with mental illness, quite literally every day. The part of life i fear the most is coming to in front of groups of people and then trying to explain away like im not fucking crazy as to why i was just talking to people who weren't there while being completely unaware of those who are. Those bouts are usually paired with my PTSD episodes from getting drugged and raped when i joined the army as a teenager by fellow unitmembers. For what its worth, I was also abused as a kid and have had to go through assloads of therapy just to overcome that. Still working on the rape, as well as using therapies such as DBT/CBT to overcome the BPD (remission of most mental illness is possible). Everything mentioned was present in my life by the time i was 18, and I was able to recognize that I got dealt a pretty shitty hand. Despite all those complications and waking up every day not wanting to continue, I made the rank of sergeant by the age of 19 (fucking insane today), came out of the military with an honorable discharge and 6 years served, switched gears and bought a gastronomy book, studied it and made it into an awarded kitchen where I became a chef without culinary school. Mental illness kicked in, and I burned basically every bridge in culinary. Shit. On the fly, I taught myself how to program to try and get a better life and somehow i actually did it and made it into tech. Thought I was saved and life was gonna be ez street as a programmer making six figs while still being a young single guy, but mental illness prevailed and once again i burned every bridge again - this time in tech. Still though, didnt give up, and then taught myself enough electrical work to find a job as a sponsored hire for an electrician (so i wouldnt have to attend any schools and lose valuable time). Guess what, made it as an electrician but once again mental health took me out of the field rather quickly. I could give you two more completely unrelated fields ive entered through self teaching and then self sabotage due to mental health, but you get the idea. When I finally nutted up and accepted that just because im competent doesnt mean shit if my mind isnt taken care of first, I was able to finally break away from my stubborn dumbassery, get on a light SSRI, and started therapy.

Life is a lot fucking better for me now. I am in my 30s now and have been given MANY opportunities by life to fail, but all those failures led to some honestly wicked success, and what I just read from you is EXACTLY what I would have written those many years ago now when I was younger. Seriously, reading your post was like looking into a spooky time travel mirror. Don't actually give up, because I don't see that you are there yet. Also, dont compare yourself to others in case you do. My dad didnt have his shit together and not a penny to his name until he was like 45, and now the fucker is a millionaire because he finally figured things out. Life starts at different times for everybody, dont worry that its shit now. Its kinda supposed to be, in a fucked up way lol.

You'll figure things out too. I absolutely believe you will. It just takes a lot longer than anyone cares to admit.

Hey, thanks for your response.
I have tried therapy, twice, both didn't do anything. I'm autistic and I think the issue was that I didn't know how to unmask in therapy, or something was missing and we ended up talking about not much.
My dad was against meds for the longest time, then one day he got them prescribed to me without me being there so I didn't get a chance to talk to the doctor. I had also stopped therapy at before that point because we weren't getting anywhere. I was on fluoxetine on a low dose to see how I responded, I guess, but we never checked in with the doctor to up the dose. I gave up taking it because nothing was happening. In my mind I don't really have any problems which make me sad other than just being super lonely and not having direction in life. Maybe I am irrational in my thinking but I just don't really see a reason to keep going. I know I shouldn't compare myself but it feels like my struggles aren't actually that real or big compared to other people

 

[53 Huffy A-Ride]

Hey, thanks for your response.
I have tried therapy, twice, both didn't do anything. I'm autistic and I think the issue was that I didn't know how to unmask in therapy, or something was missing and we ended up talking about not much.
My dad was against meds for the longest time, then one day he got them prescribed to me without me being there so I didn't get a chance to talk to the doctor. I had also stopped therapy at before that point because we weren't getting anywhere. I was on fluoxetine on a low dose to see how I responded, I guess, but we never checked in with the doctor to up the dose. I gave up taking it because nothing was happening. In my mind I don't really have any problems which make me sad other than just being super lonely and not having direction in life. Maybe I am irrational in my thinking but I just don't really see a reason to keep going. I know I shouldn't compare myself but it feels like my struggles aren't actually that real or big compared to other people

I believe I can still relate - back when I was younger about 20 years ago now (christ i feel old) the landscape was much different and mental health was far less understood, autism was far less understood. I've had professionals try to stick me with aspergers when younger and I absolutely fail (or pass, lol) the informal autism spectrum tests online, but i've never cared to truly pursue a formal diagnosis as I don't really think it matters. I'm not going to sit here and say "oh i have autism too," but i will at least say that I know what that social isolation feels like, usually because people know you're different somehow and avoid you because they themselves don't understand. Its one of the worst feelings in the world. At one point in my life, the freshest message in my phone was like 13 months old and I truly did not have people to interact with or spend any time with at all outside of work. Its fucking torturous and was easily the most suicidal I had ever been, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Ever. For what its worth, that is the exact opposite of my situation now.
What you just described to me sounds VERY real and VERY big, even when I allow the toxicity to creep into my mind and compare that to other experiences or my own. Your struggles are valid no matter what dickhead or inexperienced teenager on social media tells you. They are valid, and those doubtful words to yourself do a fantastic job of helping you keep an incorrect and negative view of yourself and the world. It really does suck to hear that your dad, who probably does want the best for you, went about trying to help you in an unhelpful way. That probably caused further issues. It sucks that therapy didn't go much anywhere for you.
There is definitely purpose to find, there is definitely a world out there for you to enjoy. But i wont lie, its going to be harder for you to find that world than others and that fuckin sucks and its unfair. But thats kinda life, and I know you're gonna eventually look back at life now and go "oh yeah. I had no idea what I was talking about looking back. That struggle, which was unique to me, has provided actual advantage in the longterm now that ive overcome it." Or at least, I remember saying what you said and now I can definitely sit here and tell you life has gotten better. If you can do whatever it takes to keep up resilience, guarantee you'll be sitting in my shoes one day trying to help some young stranger elsewhere on the globe. Feels pretty alright, gotta say.

On therapy and the difficulty of making progress/unmasking: many people understand what therapy is and what it is for, yes, but many still come into the same issues you spoke of. Knowing that you're there to talk through traumas/events and understand yourself/get better, yet never seeming to be able to hit the right topic to be able to progress through healing. Until my mid/late 20s i believed that therapy didnt have any effect for me either as i had tried and not made progress in the past. It wasn't until i started to read about behavioural psychology (why we turn into the adults we are when we are coming from the childhoods we had as well as the things that happened to us along the way) that I started to find similarities from what i was reading with events in my own life. Those little patterns were the key to me being able to more effectively utilize therapy. If you feel like all else has failed and that your issues don't seem that great, then I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend checking out "Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" by Pete Walker. You might read that title and go "well i dont have PTSD, how is this relevant?" Cptsd is basically a blanket term for "life traumas we all go through and have to learn/grow/heal from and how it affects you." Pete Walker is a fuckin' god-king amongst men within the psych community, and his work is still utilized today worldwide to help people heal. His whole pursuit was basically "well... what IS happiness, and how do we keep it? What does healthy love look like? What does a healthy upbringing entail?" From what you've written, I do believe you will gain at LEAST 1 positive revelation about your life that will absolutely ignite even an iota of hope. Might even be the key to be successful if you can find it in you to try some therapy again. I promise you that, or I will happily refund your money for ya hahaha.

Thanks for your time. It'll get better if you just keep getting back up.
I promise.