gardenofaphrodite
Can’t catch a break no matter what I do.
- Apr 12, 2023
- 142
*I'm only labeling this as a "vent" because it's all over the place*
The info I had on my mom - I spilled the beans to her - & now idk what to do. Everything is so he said she said, that I truly don't know how to feel. I tried contacting the one person who would know the truth, but they won't respond to me. They don't have to respond, if they choose not to I understand & respect that, however, it's driving me insane.
Idk what I was born from now. Out of love, accident, or rape. I feel like I shouldn't even be alive to begin with. Positive things have happened, I have my vehicle back, I have a decent job, I have income again, etc. I keep trying so hard to think to myself that maybe I can try to fix my life - I even have health insurance now that is effective in 90 days.
I'm going to try to go back to therapy soon if I can afford it, & I'm going to start taking my meds again when the insurance works. I'm giving it one last go - if after all the work I will be putting in these next months are worth nothing, I'm done. I will give up. If by my birthday, I'm still mentally, physically, & emotionally unwell, especially after trying, I'm done.
I've been avoiding this forum for awhile now, simply because I lack time, I don't want my partner to see, & I feel I start getting into really bad bouts of self-loathing, but - it's the only place where I can truly be honest about how I feel, who I am, & how poorly I'm doing without unwanted rhetoric.
Speaking of being honest- I will be with my partner for 1yr near the end of this month, & if I'm being entirely honest I don't know how to feel about it. I love him of course, I care for him, he's helped me a lot- but I feel like we're starting to get on each other's nerves constantly. I keep trying to bring it up but he says nothing is wrong, & I feel if it keeps going on like this, there's gonna be an argument. We also keep getting stuck on something that happened a few months ago. For context: I'm polyamorous, & so is my partner. We invited a third in a few months ago, & for further context, the third is the person who took his virginity, during a threeway (we were friends during that time, so it doesn't bother me, it just feels weird to leave that out). I feel like we both fell for that third person really hard, but that person fucked up & we both had to step away from them. Ever since, things have felt different. I can't explain it - & I feel different. It was my first experience with a girl, & I knew I'm bi previously, but that really sealed the deal, except - I think I'm more into women than I initially thought. I like men still ofc, my partner is a guy, but I think it's why I feel so weird. I love him so much, & I'm not really sure how to talk to him. I really wanna see if there's a way to healthily bring that third back in, because I really really liked her, & I know he did/probably still does too.
Though, there's another reason for that too; in case I ctb he's not alone, he'll have someone still. I think about it a lot. If I go, idk what he would do, truly. I also wouldn't wanna hurt that third person if they become apart of us again too. I'm so torn on what I want to do these next few months, hoping & pleading with, idek who, not god, just life, that maybe this is the path to getting better. Maybe I'll finally get to enjoy things, I'll get to do some of what I want to. I just fear that I won't - because things go wrong so often it's put me in such a deep state of anxiety I had three panic attacks just today, which is a lot in one day for me, especially for a calm day at work. I'm stressed out & there's nothing to stress too much about right now - the overbearing fear of something going wrong is driving me mad. I finally got my car back & all day all I can think about is if I get into a wreck what am I gonna do. I'm just so scared of everything it's making me think about ctbing before I get the chance to deal with more shit - but I also want to get better.
I'm not even sure I would consider myself going into "recovery"; I'm in limbo. I'm not sure what to do or think, my anxiety is so bad. Idk what this whole couple paragraphs is about anymore, I'm just letting myself type on thought without organizing it.
The info I had on my mom - I spilled the beans to her - & now idk what to do. Everything is so he said she said, that I truly don't know how to feel. I tried contacting the one person who would know the truth, but they won't respond to me. They don't have to respond, if they choose not to I understand & respect that, however, it's driving me insane.
Idk what I was born from now. Out of love, accident, or rape. I feel like I shouldn't even be alive to begin with. Positive things have happened, I have my vehicle back, I have a decent job, I have income again, etc. I keep trying so hard to think to myself that maybe I can try to fix my life - I even have health insurance now that is effective in 90 days.
I'm going to try to go back to therapy soon if I can afford it, & I'm going to start taking my meds again when the insurance works. I'm giving it one last go - if after all the work I will be putting in these next months are worth nothing, I'm done. I will give up. If by my birthday, I'm still mentally, physically, & emotionally unwell, especially after trying, I'm done.
I've been avoiding this forum for awhile now, simply because I lack time, I don't want my partner to see, & I feel I start getting into really bad bouts of self-loathing, but - it's the only place where I can truly be honest about how I feel, who I am, & how poorly I'm doing without unwanted rhetoric.
Speaking of being honest- I will be with my partner for 1yr near the end of this month, & if I'm being entirely honest I don't know how to feel about it. I love him of course, I care for him, he's helped me a lot- but I feel like we're starting to get on each other's nerves constantly. I keep trying to bring it up but he says nothing is wrong, & I feel if it keeps going on like this, there's gonna be an argument. We also keep getting stuck on something that happened a few months ago. For context: I'm polyamorous, & so is my partner. We invited a third in a few months ago, & for further context, the third is the person who took his virginity, during a threeway (we were friends during that time, so it doesn't bother me, it just feels weird to leave that out). I feel like we both fell for that third person really hard, but that person fucked up & we both had to step away from them. Ever since, things have felt different. I can't explain it - & I feel different. It was my first experience with a girl, & I knew I'm bi previously, but that really sealed the deal, except - I think I'm more into women than I initially thought. I like men still ofc, my partner is a guy, but I think it's why I feel so weird. I love him so much, & I'm not really sure how to talk to him. I really wanna see if there's a way to healthily bring that third back in, because I really really liked her, & I know he did/probably still does too.
Though, there's another reason for that too; in case I ctb he's not alone, he'll have someone still. I think about it a lot. If I go, idk what he would do, truly. I also wouldn't wanna hurt that third person if they become apart of us again too. I'm so torn on what I want to do these next few months, hoping & pleading with, idek who, not god, just life, that maybe this is the path to getting better. Maybe I'll finally get to enjoy things, I'll get to do some of what I want to. I just fear that I won't - because things go wrong so often it's put me in such a deep state of anxiety I had three panic attacks just today, which is a lot in one day for me, especially for a calm day at work. I'm stressed out & there's nothing to stress too much about right now - the overbearing fear of something going wrong is driving me mad. I finally got my car back & all day all I can think about is if I get into a wreck what am I gonna do. I'm just so scared of everything it's making me think about ctbing before I get the chance to deal with more shit - but I also want to get better.
I'm not even sure I would consider myself going into "recovery"; I'm in limbo. I'm not sure what to do or think, my anxiety is so bad. Idk what this whole couple paragraphs is about anymore, I'm just letting myself type on thought without organizing it.
