Discussion idk, should i? im crying so much rn

[bestbeforetomorrow]

hi folks, no time long see, i thought i went into recovery or smth but i just was fired and i think i should finally catcth the triangledamned bus. i just have nothing to live on nor i have anything to live for, i was barely making my ends meet and i dont want to have debt again nor i know how and what to do. folks, can you give me a geniune advice if i should finally do it? ill answer any questions about my life so you could help me make a proper choice and yeah, still sober
and if i should - i dont really have a lot of choices, basically - hanging or whatever you can recommend with stuff i have at home (not a lot, basically hanging or cutting and i know that the latter doesnt work)

 

[Jadeith]

can you give me a geniune advice if i should finally do it?

No. It's only my opinion but every time i see such question i strongly advise against such matters being decided by others. Only you can truly answer these - do you have reason to stay? Can you make one if not? Do you want to try to make one if unsure? If not staying for yourself then maybe for another? If you have no significant other then maybe, as BloomingAzaleas beautifully put it in one of the threads, engage in "faceless volunteering", helping a stranger? That might provide purpose and a drive to seek solutions improving your current situation.

Don't know your abilities and surroundings you live in so i won't spew "do this or do that" but, since you already were employed then i think it's pretty valid to assume that you could be employed again, one place or another.

 

[Saturnrings20]

Itbis yo to you but I can tell you one of the thing I have always heard is don't rush; you can always wait until tomrrow

 

[bestbeforetomorrow]

No. It's only my opinion but every time i see such question i strongly advise against such matters being decided by others. Only you can truly answer these - do you have reason to stay? Can you make one if not? Do you want to try to make one if unsure? If not staying for yourself then maybe for another? If you have no significant other then maybe, as BloomingAzaleas beautifully put it in one of the threads, engage in "faceless volunteering", helping a stranger? That might provide purpose and a drive to seek solutions improving your current situation.

Don't know your abilities and surroundings you live in so i won't spew "do this or do that" but, since you already were employed then i think it's pretty valid to assume that you could be employed again, one place or another.

i was a webcam model on a studio and i dont think im good enough for anything else. and i literally have no money for rent and im just not worth it. whats the point of staying alive if i cant afford it? if i cant afford it - i dont deserve it

Itbis yo to you but I can tell you one of the thing I have always heard is don't rush; you can always wait until tomrrow

i can change my mind tomorrow and will live the life i never deserved

 

[Jadeith]

i dont think im good enough

im just not worth it

i dont deserve it

Helluwa lot of self hate here. Darkened mind likes to play such tricks. Mine does it too. Doesn't mean it's true tho. I try to combat mine by making myself useful to others, that's why i mentioned "volunteering" thing. While you breathe, you can try to learn. Unqualified work force is needed too. Thing is - do you have will to try. OR rather - do you want to try? Since, as you stated, you got nothing, you can't lose much. Except for your life of course but that's always an option.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

"IDK, should I? I'm crying so much"

I say no! I think no. I think your soul is telling you no. I think something wonderful might be coming your way out of all the tears.

As for rent, plenty of others get money for rent and food through various welfare programs. Why can't you?

 

[bestbeforetomorrow]

for rent and food through various welfare programs.

we dont have them here
and what for soul... yes, i know that the part of me doesnt want to, but i know that i *should* because not being able to afford living means i dont deserve living. I WANT TO LIVE BUT I SHOULDNT BY MY OWN MORALITY and i just need someone to agree with me, triangle, someone, please, tell me to catch the damn bus, why everyone says that i shouldnt i know that its the right choice but i just cant and its becoming a vent ranting, three corners, i feel so fucking bad

that's why i mentioned "volunteering" thing. While you breathe, you can try to learn.

im learning, im learning c++ rn and c# but whats the point of finishing these courses if i cant afford to live right now?

 

[WatchmeBurn]

You shouldn't do it when you're in an emotionally vulnerable state and when you have doubts about it.

 

[bestbeforetomorrow]

plenty of others get money for rent and food through various welfare programs. Why can't you?

and even if we had them - there are people who deserve it more than i who dont have a credit card

You shouldn't do it when you're in an emotionally vulnerable state and when you have doubts about it.

but when i get stable ill just fuck my life even more while thinking that everything is fine, im so angry at me in the past that i never managed to actually do it despite several attempts (and i will be angry at myself in the future if i wont do it rn)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Nobody knows whether it "gets better" or "worse". Nobody can tell you if you cannot bear more now or not.

I agree, and I break your problem down to a money issue that makes you suicidal.

I speak for myself now and what I would do - it's always up 2 you and your own choice. In my case I'm suicidal bc of money problems after a big failure in life and CTB is an option. But again, nobody knows whether your personal situation can get better or not - ultimately it's your own decision.

I don't think you really wanna die but there are the circumstances that require the logical decision to die - I relate to this so much and it's really such an awful situation.

 

[Jadeith]

not being able to afford living means i dont deserve living

I beg to differ. No connection between one's ability to earn money and "deserving" to live.
There's no such thing as "deserving" to live. You got RIGHT to live. You might postpone that right if living is too much of a burden for you but still, it's a right, not something you must earn.

i just need someone to agree with me, triangle, someone, please, tell me to catch the damn bus

Nope. I'm pure walking evil so i'm telling you to stay and fight. Do not touch the fuckin' bus

i feel so fucking bad

im learning, im learning c++ rn and c# but whats the point of finishing these courses if i cant afford to live right now?

They will help you afford decent life later

there are people who deserve it more than i who dont have a credit card

So far you presented nothing to support that claim. On the contrary, you try to learn sth, to better yourself, which makes you quite deserving of support.

but when i get stable ill just fuck my life even more while thinking that everything is fine, im so angry at me in the past that i never managed to actually do it despite several attempts (and i will be angry at myself in the future if i wont do it rn)

Past is not sth to be angry about. Learn from it. Hating it will bring you nothing useful.

 

[bestbeforetomorrow]

I beg to differ. No connection between one's ability to earn money and "deserving" to live.
There's no such thing as "deserving" to live. You got RIGHT to live.

They will help you afford decent life later

So far you presented nothing to support that claim. On the contrary, you try to learn sth, to better yourself, which makes you quite deserving of support.

it's so hard to believe itT.T
also i kinda calmed down, still think i should die but at least i stopped crying

yeah, but its later, im extremely poor right now T.TT.TT.T

and i mean like... my situation isn't bad enough to ask for help. and yeah, im trying to learn, but im not trying hard enough, quite frankly i never do anything enough

 

[Jadeith]

it's so hard to believe it

If it comforts you in any way - i believe in you.

and i mean like... my situation isn't bad enough to ask for help

Then definitely it isn't bad enough to kill yourself. Don't be that proverbial mercenary and ask first, shoot later.

im trying to learn, but im not trying hard enough

You try. That's already big achievement.

quite frankly i never do anything enough

I find this opinion unjust. Which is somewhat expected since your self assessment seem strongly clouded by self hatred.
Yes. You hit low. But you are trying to get up. That counts and matters. And is enough, for now at least. Change for the better won't happen instantly. But you can do it gradually.

 

[bestbeforetomorrow]

If it comforts you in any way - i believe in you.

Then definitely it isn't bad enough to kill yourself. Don't be that proverbial mercenary and ask first, shoot later.


You try. That's already big achievement.


I find this opinion unjust. Which is somewhat expected since your self assessment seem strongly clouded by self hatred.
Yes. You hit low. But you are trying to get up. That counts and matters. And is enough, for now at least. Change for the better won't happen instantly. But you can do it gradually.

thank you, im just... so tired of getting up with no support and or help
also im kinda better, thanks yall.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

it's so hard to believe itT.T
also i kinda calmed down, still think i should die but at least i stopped crying

yeah, but its later, im extremely poor right now T.TT.TT.T

and i mean like... my situation isn't bad enough to ask for help. and yeah, im trying to learn, but im not trying hard enough, quite frankly i never do anything enough

unmet friend, objectively, if you're contemplating ctb, the situation is "enough" to ask for help.

we're here for you but we cannot encourage you or say do this or do that. we're here for you though, however much you want to share.

I make content too and I know it can mess with you mentally in certain situations. I was a FSSW for years, I relate heavy. it's not an easy path. but you do deserve to live merely by the fact that you're alive.

sending you love