Venting Idk if I made up my mind or not

[4Kumo7]

Maybe I will really do kill myself in the end. Idk if it's just a thought because of the way I'm feeling rn or not, but I don't understand why I should continue

 

[Jaded_Wolf]

I feel it's very common to have mixed feelings about life and suicidal ideation. In my mind, I see it as "if I really wanted to be dead, I would already be dead by now. However, I'm far from enjoying life either and I keep on having suicidal ideation."

I've explained it to therapists by saying I'm alive not so much by choice, but instead because it's the default option. If I could die quickly/easily in my sleep for example, and not have to actively make a decision to die, I would probably be dead a long time ago.

 

[4Kumo7]

I feel it's very common to have mixed feelings about life and suicidal ideation. In my mind, I see it as "if I really wanted to be dead, I would already be dead by now. However, I'm far from enjoying life either and I keep on having suicidal ideation."

I've explained it to therapists by saying I'm alive not so much by choice, but instead because it's the default option. If I could die quickly/easily in my sleep for example, and not have to actively make a decision to die, I would probably be dead a long time ago.

The way you see it makes sense. It's not like I haven't tried to end it all tho, they were unsuccessful obviously but still.
I also started enjoying life more during the past year, but a certain something, which is fundamental to me, is still missing.
Default option describes it so perfectly, we were born without a warning lol, so we have no chance but to experience life

 

[relapse]

I'm just as indecisive, I feel like I've been contemplating suicide for so long that backing out of it now would mean having wasted all of my time researching and planning for absolutely nothing
I think that if I don't end up killing myself, i'll regret it even more than if I did it. I don't have a reason to be here nor do I feel anything anymore, so why should i try to have a good life? If i know i won't ever be happy with it no matter how good things get, isn't it the most logical option for me to die?

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

For me, I believe that to ctb should feel like it's the last option available, the only option left that makes sense. That living has become so unbearable, that there is no alternative but to leave this world. That is how I felt when I joined, empty and convinced that there is absolutely nothing left in this world for me, no hope of a future or a present. That living another day in a pit of darkness would be impossible beyond the date I set my mind to. I had to postpone this date due to logistical reasons, and since then my whole world was turned upside down. I still have very dark days, but my situation has changed with a glimmer of hope for a possible future, in which life as I knew it from before will be completely different.

I know we all have different circumstances, but I learned that a lot can happen over time and that there is no rush if at present we may feel as if there is no reason to live. We may just find a reason if we are able to hold on emotionally and physically, with financial resources to continue for a while. And I feel that if unsure, we should not be pressured within since things can change presenting different alternatives we may not even think of as possibilities. Instead of focusing on leaving the planet, I had to step back to find my feet again in a new world. I hope you may be able to find calmness within, time to reflect on possible new beginnings and an open mind to whatever may happen.

 

[Shadow_]

Lots of people flirt with suicidal ideation. It's a pretty normal thing, but you should definitely consider alternatives first. Lots of people who thought they were at the end now live happy, fulfilled lives.
Not everyone gets this happy ending though. Suicide isn't something to make plans to try. You will almost certainly hurt yourself, potentially doing permanent damage. You must be sure.
If it really does come to the end, just make sure you do some research and do something with a high mortality rate.