Venting idk how to care anymore

[frommetoyou]

hello,
i am a new account so im kinda introducing myself to the community here. ive been a lurker for a long while now, so i thought it's time i made an account to get some things off my chest. i feel like this forum might finally be the place where im comfortable talking about my thoughts.

im a really awkward and kinda socially stunted person at least i think so for my age. the only thing my parents, exes and trauma have taught me is to keep my mouth shut, supress and repress. i dont know how to comprehend my own emotions at all anymore, let alone understand others on a deeper level than just small talk or being acquaintances.
honestly, i had given up talking to people a couple years ago. i feel bad about it but genuinely deep down i just dont care enough about anything to try to form relationships. everything feels conditional, restricted and shallow, and i believe that's how the world is. not simply pessimism like others try to make me believe.

it's not just the world though, its also me. i dont care. i dont care about someones day, how they feel, their opinions, their likes and dislikes, how they feel about me. being social, talking to people and being alive has always been a performance or a mask to me, especially with family.
but i yearn for connection, for friends, for people who understand me and dont just talk to me to get something from me. ive been checked out for so long, i dont know how it feels to actually live. i want to care about the world and others, but i dont know how. all i know is the weird, uncomfortable feeling deep within me that tells me im horrible and a bad person, the echoes of the few people i cared about before i completely checked out emotionally.

those same people i used to care about never cared for me, so why should i? i used to drive myself crazy, spiraling trying to understand why im the only one who gives a shit, doing everything i could to try to be the perfect child, partner, sibling, coworker, friend, student. i dont think at any point in my life so far i have truly lived for me, though that's on me for acting like that. i am a product of my trauma, and i am more comfortable being completely hidden. i dont want to be this way, but this is the only way i know how to be.

sry if this sounds incoherent or spacey, i dont remember the last time i have put my thoughts to words or said anything about myself publically. this is an extreme reach for me, i have always been horrified by the idea of showing my vulnerability to others, but it would be comforting more than anything to know that im not the only person in the world that feels this way like i think i am. i might just be lonely, troubled, and miserable about it. mb for the long post ty for listening though.

 

[Jabr0ni]

First of all - Massive respect for writing this post!
I struggle with similar issue and I know it wasn't easy.

You said "but i yearn for connection, for friends, for people who understand me and dont just talk to me to get something from me. ive been checked out for so long, i dont know how it feels to actually live." - There's something unspeakable difficult about breaking out from years of isolation, trauma and simply survival for the simplest things.

The only thing you think you know how to do is survive, not live. If someone says "I'm going grocery shopping!" its nothing more than a most basic information about the most mundane and normal activity person can do.
But if I say it, this would be a reason to celebrate because this is far from a normal, basic activity but rather a sign that I'm fighting back, making an effort and at least trying.

And by this logic I'd say this post of yours is something that deserves a celebration!

And by the same logic, I would stop thinking about deep relationships and focus on something smaller. Getting to know someone is overwhelming on its own, let alone with a mix of trauma, self doubt and all that stuff.

Anyway, fingers crossed for you! You are definitely not alone in all of this, because me and surely some portion of forum users can relate.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate.

 

[frommetoyou]

First of all - Massive respect for writing this post!
I struggle with similar issue and I know it wasn't easy.

You said "but i yearn for connection, for friends, for people who understand me and dont just talk to me to get something from me. ive been checked out for so long, i dont know how it feels to actually live." - There's something unspeakable difficult about breaking out from years of isolation, trauma and simply survival for the simplest things.

The only thing you think you know how to do is survive, not live. If someone says "I'm going grocery shopping!" its nothing more than a most basic information about the most mundane and normal activity person can do.
But if I say it, this would be a reason to celebrate because this is far from a normal, basic activity but rather a sign that I'm fighting back, making an effort and at least trying.

And by this logic I'd say this post of yours is something that deserves a celebration!

And by the same logic, I would stop thinking about deep relationships and focus on something smaller. Getting to know someone is overwhelming on its own, let alone with a mix of trauma, self doubt and all that stuff.

Anyway, fingers crossed for you! You are definitely not alone in all of this, because me and surely some portion of forum users can relate.

thank you, kind stranger.
it's very comforting to know that im not the only one that feels this way. you said it so well, the feeling is survival and trudging on, never feeling gratification or purpose.
i tend to look inward and blame myself for my woes, and your logic makes sense to me. i think little by little i'll be able to communicate with people comfortably, this is just the first step.
thank you for your comment <3