iori011x3
Selflessness, contribution, service ❤️
- Nov 28, 2023
- 147
even though half of one of my most cherished friend group has left because of my suicidal ideations being too much for them, i still wanted to be friends with them. i've given up and am moving on, but it still fucking hurts. i want wishfully hope that one day they'll turn around and keep trying for me. i want them to comfort me. i want them to try to understand me. i want to stop hurting.
if being able to be friends with them again meant restarting from the beginning, i'd rather restart than stay, move on, and wait for what'll happen next. i want the dynamic i had with them back. if i knew getting so close meant that i'd lose all of them, then i'd rather restart and keep them at a distance. i'd rather restart and know where my limits are. i miss the lighthearted yet close feeling i had when i talked to them. i miss the fun times we had when we went in group cosplays. i loved talking to all of them, whether that was a one on one conversation or group call.
if dying meant i'd have another shot at fixing my wrongs and preventing myself from hurting all of them, i'd do it. i'd gladly jump with no hesitation. i'd gladly do it a million times until they're all happy. i'd do it so many times until i've repented all of my mistakes. i'd tell them how much i fucking love them instead of self sabotauging over and over again from my abandonment issues. i'd stop myself from getting frustrated. i'd do it over and over until i learn the patience.
i'm supposedly moving on, but i'm still struggling with it. no matter how much i try to recover, i feel like i'm too fucked up for building genuine friendships without ending up sabotaging them. one day i feel like i can do it and the next i feel like i can't fucking breathe anymore. each time i wake up or fall asleep, i feel the anxiety in my gut taunting me about their absence. i see them in my dreams and every time, they're always leaving me. i'm always getting blamed. i'm always getting hurt. even the way i used to cope, sleeping, can't help me anymore. i can't even sleep anymore. i don't want to sleep but i don't want to stay awake. all i want is to die. i need to die.
but i'm fucking stuck here. i don't want to trigger one of my friends who put so much effort to recover. i want them to have such a wonderful life. i want them to see them happy and grow to be someone they love. i don't want to hurt my parents who've put their everything into raising me. i don't want to hurt olivia, who's basically been by my side since day 1. i don't want to hurt boki, who's always silently giving her support. i don't want to hurt rui. i don't want to hurt lucia.
and i don't want to hurt the people who've left me, even though they've hurt me. i feel like i'm not even justified in pointing out when i felt hurt. no matter what i do, i always hurt people. if i'm alive, i hurt people. if i'm dead, i hurt people. i'm so fucking trapped. i'm genuinely tempted to resume my ctb plans and throw away all thought of recover. i knew i wasn't deserving of recovery. i just want to feel okay so my friends can be happy. i want them to be reassured that i'm okay. i don't want them to feel like i've abandoned them. i don't to put a scar in their hearts.
i don't know what to do anymore. no matter how much i distract myself, the pain keeps coming back. at the end of the day, there's still a hole in my heart from where my ex-friends were. no matter how much i try to fill it up, it's only them. all i want is for them to tell me that they still care for me. it fucking hurts thinking about how they've already moved on. it hurts that i'm the only one reminiscing on our memories and looking back on our past photos.
even though it's a lesson, i don't want it. i want to learn it with them, not from them. i don't care if this was meant to happen or if this decision/outcome determines whether the world ends or not. i'd rather have the world end than be alone without them. they're not bad people. i know they're not. they're good people who just happened to make decisions that hurt me, and that hurts me so much more because i can't antagonize them. i can't hate them no matter how hard i try.
and i know i'm the fucking villain in their story. i'm the one who hurt them. i'm the one who they'll gossip about behind my back about how evil i am and how much they've hurt me. and i don't think i'd even blame them. i wanted them to understand me and to reassure me when i was down, so how did it come to this? all i wanted was for him to show he cared. i just to feel loved by them. i just wanted to feel like i'm important. i want to relive all the times that i thought was magical. i want to relive all the times where i genuinely laughed and genuinely felt so loved. i want to go back to my 18th birthday where we cried over how much i've grown. i want to go back to when we cried over how happy i felt with them in my life. i want to love them together. i want to still care about them. i want them to feel okay. and i want to be with all of them. i want everything to go back to normal.
but i don't think it will. so perhaps i'll resume my ctb plan. february 14th. the wednesday after the nier concert we were supposed to go to. the one he said he wanted me to stay for because he said he wanted to see me. i wish he still cared. i wish they all still cared.
and i know others care, but the thought of them not caring makes everything feel so much emptier. i feel like i've been sucked into the void and no matter how much i scream, i'll never be heard.
why do we only have one chance at life?
if being able to be friends with them again meant restarting from the beginning, i'd rather restart than stay, move on, and wait for what'll happen next. i want the dynamic i had with them back. if i knew getting so close meant that i'd lose all of them, then i'd rather restart and keep them at a distance. i'd rather restart and know where my limits are. i miss the lighthearted yet close feeling i had when i talked to them. i miss the fun times we had when we went in group cosplays. i loved talking to all of them, whether that was a one on one conversation or group call.
if dying meant i'd have another shot at fixing my wrongs and preventing myself from hurting all of them, i'd do it. i'd gladly jump with no hesitation. i'd gladly do it a million times until they're all happy. i'd do it so many times until i've repented all of my mistakes. i'd tell them how much i fucking love them instead of self sabotauging over and over again from my abandonment issues. i'd stop myself from getting frustrated. i'd do it over and over until i learn the patience.
i'm supposedly moving on, but i'm still struggling with it. no matter how much i try to recover, i feel like i'm too fucked up for building genuine friendships without ending up sabotaging them. one day i feel like i can do it and the next i feel like i can't fucking breathe anymore. each time i wake up or fall asleep, i feel the anxiety in my gut taunting me about their absence. i see them in my dreams and every time, they're always leaving me. i'm always getting blamed. i'm always getting hurt. even the way i used to cope, sleeping, can't help me anymore. i can't even sleep anymore. i don't want to sleep but i don't want to stay awake. all i want is to die. i need to die.
but i'm fucking stuck here. i don't want to trigger one of my friends who put so much effort to recover. i want them to have such a wonderful life. i want them to see them happy and grow to be someone they love. i don't want to hurt my parents who've put their everything into raising me. i don't want to hurt olivia, who's basically been by my side since day 1. i don't want to hurt boki, who's always silently giving her support. i don't want to hurt rui. i don't want to hurt lucia.
and i don't want to hurt the people who've left me, even though they've hurt me. i feel like i'm not even justified in pointing out when i felt hurt. no matter what i do, i always hurt people. if i'm alive, i hurt people. if i'm dead, i hurt people. i'm so fucking trapped. i'm genuinely tempted to resume my ctb plans and throw away all thought of recover. i knew i wasn't deserving of recovery. i just want to feel okay so my friends can be happy. i want them to be reassured that i'm okay. i don't want them to feel like i've abandoned them. i don't to put a scar in their hearts.
i don't know what to do anymore. no matter how much i distract myself, the pain keeps coming back. at the end of the day, there's still a hole in my heart from where my ex-friends were. no matter how much i try to fill it up, it's only them. all i want is for them to tell me that they still care for me. it fucking hurts thinking about how they've already moved on. it hurts that i'm the only one reminiscing on our memories and looking back on our past photos.
even though it's a lesson, i don't want it. i want to learn it with them, not from them. i don't care if this was meant to happen or if this decision/outcome determines whether the world ends or not. i'd rather have the world end than be alone without them. they're not bad people. i know they're not. they're good people who just happened to make decisions that hurt me, and that hurts me so much more because i can't antagonize them. i can't hate them no matter how hard i try.
and i know i'm the fucking villain in their story. i'm the one who hurt them. i'm the one who they'll gossip about behind my back about how evil i am and how much they've hurt me. and i don't think i'd even blame them. i wanted them to understand me and to reassure me when i was down, so how did it come to this? all i wanted was for him to show he cared. i just to feel loved by them. i just wanted to feel like i'm important. i want to relive all the times that i thought was magical. i want to relive all the times where i genuinely laughed and genuinely felt so loved. i want to go back to my 18th birthday where we cried over how much i've grown. i want to go back to when we cried over how happy i felt with them in my life. i want to love them together. i want to still care about them. i want them to feel okay. and i want to be with all of them. i want everything to go back to normal.
but i don't think it will. so perhaps i'll resume my ctb plan. february 14th. the wednesday after the nier concert we were supposed to go to. the one he said he wanted me to stay for because he said he wanted to see me. i wish he still cared. i wish they all still cared.
and i know others care, but the thought of them not caring makes everything feel so much emptier. i feel like i've been sucked into the void and no matter how much i scream, i'll never be heard.
why do we only have one chance at life?
