I’d rather kill my self than burden people with my trauma issues

[Water-Lily]

This is likely due in part to all the shit that's been happening at home as of recent (very likely) but more so, I'm upset that I'm a traumatized mess

It's not my "fault" per se. And while I'm in therapy and shit, it doesn't change that a lot of my behaviors are influenced by trauma

Like, I was on Instagram and watching a person go into how trauma survivors struggle with conflict. And how healthy communication is necessary

I wish I didn't have such issues in the first place. I wish I didn't have to communicate to someone I'm struggling

I wish I was a perfect bag

But then I think of that one student in my class

The one who's been in foster care all her life

She herself likely carries trauma and behaviors that will make living hard. I wouldn't want her to think she was damaged for having problems

 

[CW36]

This is likely due in part to all the shit that's been happening at home as of recent (very likely) but more so, I'm upset that I'm a traumatized mess

It's not my "fault" per se. And while I'm in therapy and shit, it doesn't change that a lot of my behaviors are influenced by trauma

Like, I was on Instagram and watching a person go into how trauma survivors struggle with conflict. And how healthy communication is necessary

I wish I didn't have such issues in the first place. I wish I didn't have to communicate to someone I'm struggling

I wish I was a perfect bag

But then I think of that one student in my class

The one who's been in foster care all her life

She herself likely carries trauma and behaviors that will make living hard. I wouldn't want her to think she was damaged for having problems

Have you never reached out to anyone in real life? If not, I highly recommend doing so. You won't be a burden and you'll feel a whole lot better for it. If that doesn't work, then okay, you tried. But I'd suggest trying everything at your disposal before handing in the badge as it were.

 

[sincerely dead]

Hey there. Phew, reading your post felt like a shot to the heart. I cannot explain to you how much safety your words have brought me - safety to feel like my thoughts are not unique to me. So much of my CTB desire stems from not wanting to impose the heaviness of my story on those around me. Friends, even mental health professionals, seem to be overwhelmed by just percentages of it. It causes me to push people away, and my crippling fear of communicating my true feelings also drives me into isolation.

I wish you didn't have the issues that you do, too. I wish that your trauma never happened to you and that your home life didn't lead you to develop all of this heaviness that was never yours to carry. I see that you have grace for that student in your class. Your compassion is actually quite rare. You are right. She is not damaged for carrying a weight that was put on her, that was not meant for her. And the same does apply to you. And me, even if I hate to admit it. You are not a lost cause. And if you feel like your existence is an imposition, well, I am here to affirm that it is OKAY to BE an imposition. Take up space. Share your story. And know that it really is okay if you cannot communicate that you are struggling. There are people out there who will just sit with you in the pain, not expecting any explanation. I can be one of them. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk. I frequently check Discord as well. Zero obligation to share your story, but I would love to just hold space for the depth of your pain. I truly believe that your pain just needs to be felt, seen, heard - it's begging to be released and I hope that you do yourself the favor of beginning that process. It isn't easy. Hurts. And you will face rejection for it. But your freedom is worth the cost, and I am willing to stand by it. We're going to make it. Even if it ultimately does end in CTB, I believe it's worth the shot.

And if you think you've already tried enough and you truly are tired, it's okay to dissolve for a moment. I don't say this to sound pro-life-ish but perhaps letting yourself fall apart is what will restrengthen you to get back up.

It's okay to be in a less-than-desirable place. You are welcome here, regardless of where you are at.