Venting I'd rather die than to work a 9-5

[lawlietsph]

Hey guys, I just need someone to listen because I'm so alone.
So I am a 28 yrs old female, and I still live with my mother.
I am struggling with finding work since the age of 20. I've got accepted to college, but never went because I couldn't get out of bed, I just wanted to die. Ever since then I am struggling.
Somehow I managed to build an online store from scratch, but that is ended up failing too. I've had no idea what I was doing. A year ago I managed to find a part time job in online marketing, but I hate my "boss" with a passion and the money is barely enough, it is basically enough to pay my debt in tiny parts. I have $700 healthcare debt which maybe doesn't seem too much, but the country I live in it is too much. In august I made $80 with the part-time job... So basically I have no idea how to stay alive at this point, I can't buy proper food or anything anymore.
All I do is looking for remote jobs, but there's barely any. I keep applying without any success.
This is another thing, I simply cannot work in a regular 9-5. I am 100% sure I have undiagnosed autism -light, smells, talking, noises and people in general are just too much for me. I live in a small village, 1 hour away from the nearest city. It means I would have to travel 2 hours a day on top of the 8 hours work, and I am just completely unable to do it. I don't know how to explain this, but my body and my brain is just shutting down. I've tried it in the past, but after working for a week in a supermarket I was just dead. Mentally dead, suicidal, aggressive, just completely dead. I have no idea what to do anymore.
In this country home office is not such a popular thing, only for really smart people. I am not smart, most of the job titles I can't even understand, because it is written in english. My english is not so good as you can see, I'm not good in anything really. All I do is try, try, try, try, but nothing ever gets better. My family is toxic. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for being able to live with my mother and stuff, but she is sooooo toxic too, I can't even explain. She used to beat the shit out of me and my sister, and other times she was giving us the silent treatment - not talking to us for weeks. I was just a child, I needed my mom and she refused to talk to me. My father is a narcissist, he lives around but barely cares about me. My sister is successful in her job and all, she has BPD and tend to be extremely narcissistic as well.
I have a lot of trauma from childhood, I can barely stay alive and go on with the days. All I want to do is die.
And I can't help but feel like death is the only option left for me. I would rather hang myself than to go work for someone else, just so I can buy basic needs and not starve to death.
I don't know, I would be happy with anything at this point, I don't have such big dreams, I just want to move out and be alone.
It all seems like something I could never reach. The more I try and the more cv-s I send, the more I realize that I simply don't have a place in this world.
There's not a single soul who cares. I've never had friends or anything. Nobody cares and the world would be so much better without me. I know I am just a pain in the ass for my mother too. After all, she has to pay for my food and other stuff too.
I feel extremely guilty, but I just cannot function in society... I could go and work in a factory for a little bit more money, but it would cost me everything. I would die from being overstimulated. I have no idea what to do anymore. And I try and try so hard, but it just never gets better. Soon I'll be 30, I don't even want to think about that. I am so fucking alone.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Same. I'd also rather die than work a 9 to 5

 

[1488]

What are you good at? If all jobs were available to you, what could you do well that would be profitable?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Hey guys, I just need someone to listen because I'm so alone.
So I am a 28 yrs old female, and I still live with my mother.
I am struggling with finding work since the age of 20. I've got accepted to college, but never went because I couldn't get out of bed, I just wanted to die. Ever since then I am struggling.
Somehow I managed to build an online store from scratch, but that is ended up failing too. I've had no idea what I was doing. A year ago I managed to find a part time job in online marketing, but I hate my "boss" with a passion and the money is barely enough, it is basically enough to pay my debt in tiny parts. I have $700 healthcare debt which maybe doesn't seem too much, but the country I live in it is too much. In august I made $80 with the part-time job... So basically I have no idea how to stay alive at this point, I can't buy proper food or anything anymore.
All I do is looking for remote jobs, but there's barely any. I keep applying without any success.
This is another thing, I simply cannot work in a regular 9-5. I am 100% sure I have undiagnosed autism -light, smells, talking, noises and people in general are just too much for me. I live in a small village, 1 hour away from the nearest city. It means I would have to travel 2 hours a day on top of the 8 hours work, and I am just completely unable to do it. I don't know how to explain this, but my body and my brain is just shutting down. I've tried it in the past, but after working for a week in a supermarket I was just dead. Mentally dead, suicidal, aggressive, just completely dead. I have no idea what to do anymore.
In this country home office is not such a popular thing, only for really smart people. I am not smart, most of the job titles I can't even understand, because it is written in english. My english is not so good as you can see, I'm not good in anything really. All I do is try, try, try, try, but nothing ever gets better. My family is toxic. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for being able to live with my mother and stuff, but she is sooooo toxic too, I can't even explain. She used to beat the shit out of me and my sister, and other times she was giving us the silent treatment - not talking to us for weeks. I was just a child, I needed my mom and she refused to talk to me. My father is a narcissist, he lives around but barely cares about me. My sister is successful in her job and all, she has BPD and tend to be extremely narcissistic as well.
I have a lot of trauma from childhood, I can barely stay alive and go on with the days. All I want to do is die.
And I can't help but feel like death is the only option left for me. I would rather hang myself than to go work for someone else, just so I can buy basic needs and not starve to death.
I don't know, I would be happy with anything at this point, I don't have such big dreams, I just want to move out and be alone.
It all seems like something I could never reach. The more I try and the more cv-s I send, the more I realize that I simply don't have a place in this world.
There's not a single soul who cares. I've never had friends or anything. Nobody cares and the world would be so much better without me. I know I am just a pain in the ass for my mother too. After all, she has to pay for my food and other stuff too.
I feel extremely guilty, but I just cannot function in society... I could go and work in a factory for a little bit more money, but it would cost me everything. I would die from being overstimulated. I have no idea what to do anymore. And I try and try so hard, but it just never gets better. Soon I'll be 30, I don't even want to think about that. I am so fucking alone.

Sounds very rough. I too have Aspergers so I also have the light, noise etc. problems, we currently have another and hopefully last heatwave where I live and right now it´s so bright outside and it makes me overstimulated so it´s hard to just sit and chill at the PC, like I can´t watch dark videos or play games because of the stupid sun it´s also boiling despite I am sitting in front of a fan, can´t wait till the Autumn weather finally arrives.

It really seems like you have tried a lot more than most, I certainly never had a business but it must also be a defeat when losing it, and I understand where you are coming from about work, I also tried working in a supermarket last year for 4 weeks and it was only 2 hours 2 times a week but like you I get easily overstimulated which I am getting better at noticing so when my nervous system get overstimulated I have to take a break even from things I want to do e.g. gaming because my body just need to sit and rest and it sucks it feels like I am 80 years old I shouldn´t feel like this at my age everyone else my age has the energy of their age but I don´t I get easily overstimulated and it sucks.

And I am sorry to hear about you don´t have any friends or never had that is horrible life is so much better with friends although I don´t have any anymore but I know how great it was to have. And also horrible you have such a bad relationship with family it makes me sad when I read from people on this forum that there are people here many people in fact that has no one who cares about them no family or friends everyone should have someone who cares unfortunately life isn´t fair.

Btw your english seems fine to me.

 

[lawlietsph]

What are you good at? If all jobs were available to you, what could you do well that would be profitable?

Well, I am trying to think. I am kinda okay with copywriting, making stuff in Canva, and just overall administrative jobs. Something that doesn't require decision making, talking to others and HUUUGE responsibility. But I can't find one like this, at least not in my country.

But my true passion is animals, horses, psichologycal things. I thought about working around horses, but physically I'm not strong enough to carry all the heavy stuff.

Sounds very rough. I too have Aspergers so I also have the light, noise etc. problems, we currently have another and hopefully last heatwave where I live and right now it´s so bright outside and it makes me overstimulated so it´s hard to just sit and chill at the PC, like I can´t watch dark videos or play games because of the stupid sun it´s also boiling despite I am sitting in front of a fan, can´t wait till the Autumn weather finally arrives.

It really seems like you have tried a lot more than most, I certainly never had a business but it must also be a defeat when losing it, and I understand where you are coming from about work, I also tried working in a supermarket last year for 4 weeks and it was only 2 hours 2 times a week but like you I get easily overstimulated which I am getting better at noticing so when my nervous system get overstimulated I have to take a break even from things I want to do e.g. gaming because my body just need to sit and rest and it sucks it feels like I am 80 years old I shouldn´t feel like this at my age everyone else my age has the energy of their age but I don´t I get easily overstimulated and it sucks.

And I am sorry to hear about you don´t have any friends or never had that is horrible life is so much better with friends although I don´t have any anymore but I know how great it was to have. And also horrible you have such a bad relationship with family it makes me sad when I read from people on this forum that there are people here many people in fact that has no one who cares about them no family or friends everyone should have someone who cares unfortunately life isn´t fair.

Btw your english seems fine to me.

Yes I can understand you. To be honest I didn't know for the longest time what the hell is wrong with me. I never understood why noises are hurting me physically, or why do I hate to be touched even just a tiny bit, etc... It really sucks, because you just feel constantly tired and taking the bus is such a huge task, almost like climbing a huge mountain. I mean how can you even function like this?
Sometimes I think about if I were to live in a city and maybe I could go to work by a 10 minute walk or something, it would be somewhat easier. I don't know... I just don't want to communicate, I hate to talk and I hate to forcing myself to look the other person in the eye. It is tiring.

Something I forgot to mention in the original post is that recently (well 2 months ago) I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Now I live with constant muscle and joint pains and an overall awful feeling in my body.
Life is not fair. I would do anything to have some kind of emotional support, but here I am. Completely alone. :(

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Well, I am trying to think. I am kinda okay with copywriting, making stuff in Canva, and just overall administrative jobs. Something that doesn't require decision making, talking to others and HUUUGE responsibility. But I can't find one like this, at least not in my country.

But my true passion is animals, horses, psichologycal things. I thought about working around horses, but physically I'm not strong enough to carry all the heavy stuff.

Yes I can understand you. To be honest I didn't know for the longest time what the hell is wrong with me. I never understood why noises are hurting me physically, or why do I hate to be touched even just a tiny bit, etc... It really sucks, because you just feel constantly tired and taking the bus is such a huge task, almost like climbing a huge mountain. I mean how can you even function like this?
Sometimes I think about if I were to live in a city and maybe I could go to work by a 10 minute walk or something, it would be somewhat easier. I don't know... I just don't want to communicate, I hate to talk and I hate to forcing myself to look the other person in the eye. It is tiring.

Something I forgot to mention in the original post is that recently (well 2 months ago) I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Now I live with constant muscle and joint pains and an overall awful feeling in my body.
Life is not fair. I would do anything to have some kind of emotional support, but here I am. Completely alone. :(

Yeah I guess that is why we are exhausted more than other people because it takes a lot of energy to be extra aware and weakened by sensory input. But something that has worked for me was getting exposed to certain things we don´t like and be prepared to face it, like you I had a hard time navigating public transportation like busses and trains but now I have learned to get around where I need where I live and tomorrow I will take another bus a new one which I am not sure exactly where is located since the site didn´t state it but I have an idea so I am a bit nervous but I have had some wins learning how to use the busses where I live so it have given me some confidence when it comes to taking public transportation but I still get nervous and extra aware when I am in a new bus to a new destination and afraid it was the wrong one but so far it has mostly gone good.

I live in a bigger city now I used to live in a small town so it´s nice everything is close and the exposure for more people and vehichles has also made it easier to tolerate those things when going back to smaller towns then it seems like there is almost nothing.

That is horrible you got that decease is there anything the doctors can do about it with medicine I know nothing about that decease but despite that I just thought I would mention since another member recently mentioned it to me with my severe allergy problems that maybe the carnivore or lion diet would help which Mikhaila Peterson talks a lot about on her YouTube channel it has helped her mom with lyme decease if I remember correctly I can´t remember by how much I am currently trying to ease into it and give life another big try, not trying to preach to you btw just thought I would throw it out there since I just got told about it.

I also forgot to mention before I am 30 years old so close to you yet feels like an eternity from being in my 20´s at 29 to 30 I hate it so much so I understand why you dread it so did I as the years crept closer to the 30 and it´s hard to accept that I wasted my 20´s being sick in both my body and mind, it´s the time everyone makes there great memories for life thinking back on partying, traveling making new friends and living life but I have been sick throughout my 20´s so I missed out on that.

 

[LapseInTime]

Absolutely. I can barely get out of bed, make it from my room to the kitchen and back. I always lack the emotional strength, the physical one too. Age is just a number, I feel like I am 70 years old, I cannot do it. I cannot even imagine myself being around other people. I too can understand that I'm weird, off, depressed and clumsy in hiding it. I realize that I don't actually want to work; I want a way to stop being a burden, perhaps something to get my mind away from suffering. The routine is scary. The people are scary. The fact that I would have to do it every day is scary. If I don't, I'll get yelled at - rightfully so, but I cannot have that, there is only so much I can handle. I wish I could go back to being young; at least then I didn't have feel ashamed about not doing anything. A sick child is to be tended to. A sick adult is a leech, a burden, God knows.

I'm a bum, I hate the idea of work, I hate the people, I hate myself, I hate everything but the fact that it may make you feel independent. But at what cost? Taking all of that into consideration, the chances of me performing actually exist; they are right next to none.

Besides, even "normal" people hate it. Isn't it natural for somebody who's been sick to not be able to do it? It's only reasonable...

 

[Life is overrated]

Working is torture when dealing with severe insomnia and staying at home without work is humiliating and depressing...

 

[locked*n*loaded]

@lawlietsph have you met @sserafim ? lol

 

[lawlietsph]

@lawlietsph have you met @sserafim ? lol

nope, why

 

[Defenestration]

Same even if i dont work

 

[locked*n*loaded]

nope, why

She's the resident queen neet.