Venting Icing on the cake

[willitpass]

Along with everything else happening, I've now fallen back into relapse with my eating disorder. I'd been progressively making progress with it since coming into the hospital in October and by January the behaviors were 100% under control and the thoughts were beginning to become more manageable. Long story short, I ended up in the medical hospital for a brief stay recently before coming back to residential. The bag the staff packed for me to have clothes to wear back was a pair of jeans I have intentionally avoided wearing since I got here. I got them at my lowest weight and while I know I've gained, I don't know how much. I haven't been able to see my weight here and my body dysmorphia is too bad to be able to tell based on looks alone. I generally only wear leggings and sweatpants and loose shirts so I don't have to confront it. When I got dressed, the jeans hardly fit up my legs. I got them on but they were so tight that I had to leave the zipper completely undone, much less even attempting to button them.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. The only things I've eaten since that day are dark chocolate squares and one apple with peanut butter for each meal. I've completely relapsed again. It's such a set back and I can't shake it.

I'm so ready to die. This isn't the life I want for myself.

 

[CravingPeace]

I'm so sorry friend. It hurts so badly to lose the progress that you made. I can relate in a different fashion. You are not alone, these aren't the lives we wanted.

 

[willitpass]

I've now fallen down a thinspo rabbit hole. Fuck it, why not trigger myself while I'm at it.

 

[sevennn]

throw those jeans away. and try to get help again

 

[milkteacrown]

I sympathize with you. I just got out of a psychiatric facility and realized that I gained 6 pounds while staying there, which has made me relapse as well. I wish there was an easier answer or piece of advice I could give to you, but we're in the same boat.

 

[willitpass]

I wanna go back to how I looked in my body checks at my lowest. I don't fucking care that I was miserable.
I have pictures of me in those same jeans where they're loose and now I can't even zip them up a little. What the fuck.