Icing on my Cake

[ixkitty]

Let's see, since i can't sleep.. I guess I can rant what all has happened in the last week.

• Lost my job
• Got frustrated with myself and yelled at my best friend's kid
• Failed to gather up the mental confidence to run into traffic (I felt extreme guilt on hurting someone else in this venture)
• Tried and failed to assist my mom with the Christmas program she worked so hard for (people pleasing made it hurt)
• Got comfort from unlikely family members while in my darkness (my mom doesn't trust them enough because of her own insecurities that needs therapy and I assumed they wouldn't be there)
• Failed to take mom to get what she needed for the kids (felt like a terrible daughter)
• Abandoned her and the car to hide in the bushes and cry
• Cousin catches wind of something (chalk it up to a spiritual notification since no one has informed her) and calling me to assist me through this breakdown
• Ingested a gummy (1/4) and zoomed to high town.
• Learned about her darkness
• Gains another unlikely member that's willing to help me with my Darkness

Throughout all of this, I feel like I would be greatly disappointing these family members that has extended their hand to me. If I do it anyway, will they hate me? Will they ultimately understand? How do I word it in such a way where they don't feel responsible? Why should I even care about how they feel? - this is a vice I've tried to rid myself of for years ...

My cousin suggested poetry as a way to vent. I might spend some time writing it out. Maybe they'll understand just how much pain I was in and how much I couldn't handle.