coming from someone who hyperfixates on stuff like this - it's often because of the harm schools do to them. bullying, careless staff, the stress of school, etc; in my theory, it's probably easiest too given they HAVE to be there anyways
as a person who experienced desire to do this when i was a teenager in 2004; i was always wanted get back at the bullies. the kids and teachers.
it feels like the pain people caused when i was in school... , it's impossible for people to understand. the terror and pain and confusion that is caused by a shooting in your school, .. it always made sense to me. it's relative.
i dont believe it's the answer, and im so glad i lived in rural canada and this was never such an easy option for me. my father even asked me in my second attempt at grade 9 if i'd like to drop out, as he was literally scared i was going to shoot our school up. our school had a population of like, m...maybe 500 kids. grades 3-12, as well. a very very small school. i lived in a village, not enough people to amount to a town's worth even.
i always felt.. that they didn't understand. they cant imagine the fear and pain and sorrow of showing up every day to be rejected, denied.. trying my best, always failing.. it's meaningless, it's pointless.
it felt to me that i would be able to make everyone understand in that moment. it's clear nobody actually understands, being on the side now that can observe the other end of things,.. nobody sees why or what's happenings. pain. suffering. it is unimaginable.
for some reason, i guess, its easier to feel and empathize with people who experience the shooting. that's scary, unjustified.. "sudden", "unwarranted", and such.
nobody can understand what it is to be left out, ostrasized. the fear and pain that experience brings.
i am jealous and envious of all the many majority of people who can not understand how the pain of a lifetime of bullying can feel. how it feels to not feel safe or comfortable at home, to go to school and feel the same, to belong nowhere. it feels the same to me as in that moment of fear and panic, where to go, where to hide.. how to survive..
in that moment, it would have been my control.
i truly feel terrible for this sentiment now that it's been an equivalent lifetime since that moment (15 years until i felt that way, and 15 years since then).. and especially as shootings are desperately in the rise in the US.. i hate that i felt that way, but it helps me understand the issue is not to hate these people more. these children who are lashing out. i wish we could truly find a way to love them more, they ,, .. they need love. i needed love. true, real.. unconditional love. i dont know. i hate everything now, so i dont know how i can get off say8ing shit like this as if i mean it, but.. i just.. that is what i wanted. that what i needed. i assume it's still what i need the most.
love.