I wonder if people are starting to suspect.

[BitterlyAlive]

My therapist has already talked to me a few times about hospitalization. This week she was more serious about it. She's said a few times that it seems the only way the depression could be worse is if I'm having suicidal thoughts. Each time she says it I just don't say anything. I've ready told her when she asked that it's "complicated", so... I dunno. :/ She accepted it and didn't ask any further or seem concerned, but now she seems worried.

When I went to get meds, I filled out the depression questionnaire as I normally do. I've started being somewhat honest and on the part where it asks about "thoughts of hurting myself or wishing I was dead", I put that it happens "nearly every day". If I'm asked to expand on that, I say it's passive suicidal ideation, no plan or anything more, and people have just accepted it. But this time I was asked questions about having weapons at home, what keeps me from suicide, if I've attempted suicide. It freaked me out a bit.

What if I'm giving off a vibe that I'm more suicidal than I let on? Why are people so damn worried all of a sudden?

 

[Ghost2211]

Have you been more hopeless when talking to people or avoiding them more?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Have you been more hopeless when talking to people or avoiding them more?

I don't think I've been "more" hopeless....just the same as always. Which in all honesty is already really bad. I guess I've been avoiding people more. I don't really talk to anyone anymore, not even friends. A couple people have talked to me about hanging out, but I haven't shown any sort of enthusiasm. Idk. I just don't feel like bothering anyone and don't want to bring people down.

 

[Ghost2211]

I don't think I've been "more" hopeless....just the same as always. Which in all honesty is already really bad. I guess I've been avoiding people more. I don't really talk to anyone anymore, not even friends. A couple people have talked to me about hanging out, but I haven't shown any sort of enthusiasm. Idk. I just don't feel like bothering and don't want to bring people down.

If you're isolating more than usual especially if isolating a lot more than usual that might be what's catching people's eye.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

My therapist seems concerned as she always asks about it and only change subject when I tell that I don't have a plan and it's nothing serious. I'm pretty sure that she suspects something, but therapists should notice any kind of warning sign as it is their job.
I wonder what would happen if I were completely honest. Certainly nothing good in terms of planning the ctb.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

If you're isolating more than usual especially if isolating a lot more than usual that might be what's catching people's eye.

Hmmm... I'm not really one to hang out much to begin with. But maybe you're right. I don't want to force myself to be around people just to throw off suspicion. I'm just too tired for all of that. But if I have to.... sigh. :/

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

therapists should notice any kind of warning sign as it is their job

That perspective is interesting to me. I think of their job as being to serve a client to achieve self-determination and capability, rather than suicide police. I'm not going after you, I'm going after the idea that they're in a position of power over whom they serve. If the person isn't bringing up suicidality as a topic for which they want help, then it's none of the therapist's concern. What they bring up that they want help for is the therapist's concern.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

That perspective is interesting to me. I think of their job as being to serve a client to achieve self-determination and capability, rather than suicide police. I'm not going after you, I'm going after the idea that they're in a position of power over whom they serve. If the person isn't bringing up suicidality as a topic for which they want help, then it's none of the therapist's concern. What they bring up that they want help for is the therapist's concern.

From the therapist's point of view, a dead client does not pay.
Jokes aside (or not jokes?), if their concern is your well-being, then they'll surely won't want you to ctb. In case they suspect that there's any chance for that, they'll try to talk about it. At least that's my experience with mine. It was always her that brought it up, though I don't remember who did it on the first session.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

That perspective is interesting to me. I think of their job as being to serve a client to achieve self-determination and capability, rather than suicide police. I'm not going after you, I'm going after the idea that they're in a position of power over whom they serve. If the person isn't bringing up suicidality as a topic for which they want help, then it's none of the therapist's concern. What they bring up that they want help for is the therapist's concern.

At the same time, for better or for worse... If a client dies by suicide whilst under their care, the therapist seems to be viewed with suspicion and held liable as well.

 

[Ghost2211]

At the same time, for better or for worse... If a client dies by suicide whilst under their care, the therapist seems to be viewed with suspicion and held liable as well.

I'm sure they have protections in place for that. It's like trying to pin malpractice on a medical doctor.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm sure they have protections in place for that. It's like trying to pin malpractice on a medical doctor.

I'm sure they do. :/

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

At the same time, for better or for worse... If a client dies by suicide whilst under their care, the therapist seems to be viewed with suspicion and held liable as well.

Can you expand on that? Viewed with suspicion and held liable by whom?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Can you expand on that? Viewed with suspicion and held liable by whom?

Loved ones of the deceased, I guess. The therapist would be an easy target to blame.

 

[muffin222]

Isolating yourself more than usual from other people is probably triggering some suspicion, I would imagine. I'm sorry you're suffering. I can relate to not wanting to bring other people down and deciding to stay away as a result

 

[xLosthopex]

My psych team are tryna hospitalize me for my anorexia at the moment but I've outright told them that I have a clear and definite plan to ctb lol but because I haven't given specific details(date, method etc.) there's not much they can do about it

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Isolating yourself more than usual from other people is probably triggering some suspicion, I would imagine. I'm sorry you're suffering. I can relate to not wanting to bring other people down and deciding to stay away as a result

I've isolated myself like this before throughout this episode, and no one seemed to give a damn. Maybe it wasn't as obvious or something. Or maybe I'm finally seeing professionals who seem to pay attention.

I've had people from my team talking about hospitalization all year. But they've only brought it up in relation to meds or trying to switch it up since outpatient treatment hasn't been effective. No one has mentioned suicide until recently. I'm especially concerned because I was asked actual questions about suicide.

 

[muffin222]

I've isolated myself like this before throughout this episode, and no one seemed to give a damn. Maybe it wasn't as obvious or something. Or maybe I'm finally seeing professionals who seem to pay attention.

I've had people from my team talking about hospitalization all year. But they've only brought it up in relation to meds or trying to switch it up since outpatient treatment hasn't been effective. No one has mentioned suicide until recently. I'm especially concerned because I was asked actual questions about suicide.

It could be an intuitive nudge they're feeling that something isn't quite right

 

[BitterlyAlive]

It could be an intuitive nudge they're feeling that something isn't quite right

Fuck :(

 

[darkness falls]

Liability. The same reason nobody will Rx narcs for my chronic pain (don't even get me started on this bullshit) to help me function better. Of course there are people in the psych field who legitimately care for their patients and want to do all they can to stop self harm. But I think there's an element of selfishness in the majority.

I could be wrong but that's how I see it. If current anti-depressants worked I probably wouldn't be here. And I'm getting shitty off label meds for anxiety and not benzos that would work so I need to use shit that actually helps like kava and L-theanine. Again thanks to the liability factor. God forbid they Rx effective drugs.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Everyone knows I am suicidal but nobody cares too much and my doctors don't do much about it

 

[tidalwxves]

I don't think I've been "more" hopeless....just the same as always. Which in all honesty is already really bad. I guess I've been avoiding people more. I don't really talk to anyone anymore, not even friends. A couple people have talked to me about hanging out, but I haven't shown any sort of enthusiasm. Idk. I just don't feel like bothering anyone and don't want to bring people down.

I would suggest trying to see the people who have reached out. If they reached out to you clearly they don't feel bothered. Just give it a try, maybe it will lift your spirits and theirs and if not you know you made and effort and you can be proud of yourself for that.

As for your therapist, its tricky. Your therapist can't help you if you aren't honest, because she isn't working with all the facts. However, hospitalization doesn't help everyone and not all hospitals are created equal. I would suggest being more honest so that you can actually have a better chance of getting decent treatment and put clear boundaries about hospitals, that should it come to that you would expect to know what doctors you would work with beforehand, maybe even get a treatment plan in advance so you can be sure its something you are comfortable with even if its difficult. We are rooting for you here, I hope things improve. In the mean time keep reaching out to us, this community will do what it can to be there for you. I'm sorry its's been so hard.

 

[Samsara]

Was there a different therapist asking you those questions? It sounds like they were just doing a more comprehensive suicide risk assessment (factors like prior attempts, protective factors, etc. are often not assessed by many therapists but are associated with risk)

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Was there a different therapist asking you those questions? It sounds like they were just doing a more comprehensive suicide risk assessment (factors like prior attempts, protective factors, etc. are often not assessed by many therapists but are associated with risk)

It was a worker at the psych urgent care. It just freaked me out because I hadn't been asked those questions before. Lol.

 

[Samsara]

hah yeah, I can see that freaking anyone out! But don't worry, it sounds like they were just doing a more thorough assessment