megafire
burn it down
- Oct 12, 2020
- 89
It's not about escaping from my problems. It's the fact that it is an endless loop of the problems, and that there is no way out but through. Every small infraction cuts deep like a sword, and there is no way to just... stop that. For example, I wrote something in my online class, and no one responded to it, so I hid my face in my hands for 10 minutes, regretting everything under the sun. Imagine if you were that sensitive. Life is hell that way, and there is no way to burn off your emotional nerve endings to render life more bearable.
This extends to every aspect of my life. Friendships are draining as hell to maintain, because I never know what to say in a text, or how to hang out with someone when there is no pretense of sex. Sex is easy. The waters are beyond simple to navigate when you've done it a thousand times, and it always makes you feel good about yourself. But there's the voice in my head that tells me- the only reason they are associating with you at all is because of your body and the possibility of sex. If it was a friendly hangout, the person wouldn't be there at all- because the only investment would be into my presence, and I frankly don't occupy very much, much less satisfy another person's social quota.
As soon as I think I got it figured out, minus the social aspect, something knocks me back down to rock bottom to remind me that I am helpless, that I have no power and no control and there is nothing I can do about it. It's miserable and honestly a big waste of my time. Why should I continue living if I have no agency, if nothing ever works out and my humanity is debatable to begin with? I'm surrounded by disgusting hypocrites who just consume constantly, like massive feeder hogs. I can't blame them for being this way, because that's just the nature of the world now, but I do hold some contempt. They demand my presence so they don't have to feel bad about me not being around, but I'm not contributing anything. I am not a nice person to be around, not for myself, not for anyone else. Why should they hold me hostage in a world that chews you up and spits you out?
This extends to every aspect of my life. Friendships are draining as hell to maintain, because I never know what to say in a text, or how to hang out with someone when there is no pretense of sex. Sex is easy. The waters are beyond simple to navigate when you've done it a thousand times, and it always makes you feel good about yourself. But there's the voice in my head that tells me- the only reason they are associating with you at all is because of your body and the possibility of sex. If it was a friendly hangout, the person wouldn't be there at all- because the only investment would be into my presence, and I frankly don't occupy very much, much less satisfy another person's social quota.
As soon as I think I got it figured out, minus the social aspect, something knocks me back down to rock bottom to remind me that I am helpless, that I have no power and no control and there is nothing I can do about it. It's miserable and honestly a big waste of my time. Why should I continue living if I have no agency, if nothing ever works out and my humanity is debatable to begin with? I'm surrounded by disgusting hypocrites who just consume constantly, like massive feeder hogs. I can't blame them for being this way, because that's just the nature of the world now, but I do hold some contempt. They demand my presence so they don't have to feel bad about me not being around, but I'm not contributing anything. I am not a nice person to be around, not for myself, not for anyone else. Why should they hold me hostage in a world that chews you up and spits you out?
