I wish someone could be there to hold my hand at the end of this

[february in alaska]

I know it isn't possible, and I know it would only hurt the person who would have to watch me die in front of them, but this is already such a lonely experience. Life has been such a lonely experience. It feels so unfair that every single part of suicide is something that must be done alone

I remember watching a gore video a while back, a man lying in the street after an accident, in a horrific state and obviously about to die. Everyone around him was gathered in a circle filming, pointing their phones at him, and obviously I was no better since I was watching one of the recordings. But I remember wishing I could have been there beside him or wishing that anyone in that crowd would have knelt beside him and held his hand and told him he wasn't alone and that it was going to be okay. Because he died in such a public way, surrounded by people, and yet he was so, so, so alone. And when I die, I don't want to be filmed or gawked at or made a spectacle either. I just don't want to be alone

Wishing N was an option, as always. Wishing I had some explanation that wouldn't put me in a hospital or a ward, that I could be allowed to CTB while being allowed to reach out. But if I reach out now, someone will stop me from CTB'ing, and if I CTB, I'll have to do it by myself. It's such a weight to carry on your shoulders when you're already having to face the end

 

[needrelief18]

It's true. I don't want to die alone either.

 

[user56765567]

Yeah, I've often thought about what that would look like for me to die with somebody else. Some days I want it and some days I don't but I think for me it would be too risky.

 

[The Silly Sluggy]

You're not alone, we're here for you! I've felt the exact same way. And I wish life wasn't so cruel where people just whip out their fuckin phones at dead people like it's a pokestop or some dumb shit... idk if it means anything but I'd hold your hand if I could. ^^

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

Yeap, the life is already too lonely. I really wish someone too.

 

[Photographer Fizzle]

Same. I would like to have a hand to hold as I drift into nothingness.

 

[FuneralCry]

The fact that this society is so anti-suicide really does just lead to more suffering, it's certainly very cruel and unfair how things are this way.

 

[VioletNebula]

honestly that is the main reason that draws me towards the partners thread- i want to be with someone and be alone at the end.
ah well...

 

[ddn.ctb]

You are not alone on this. I think everyone wants human touch at the end

 

[dying_inside]

I know it isn't possible, and I know it would only hurt the person who would have to watch me die in front of them, but this is already such a lonely experience. Life has been such a lonely experience. It feels so unfair that every single part of suicide is something that must be done alone

I remember watching a gore video a while back, a man lying in the street after an accident, in a horrific state and obviously about to die. Everyone around him was gathered in a circle filming, pointing their phones at him, and obviously I was no better since I was watching one of the recordings. But I remember wishing I could have been there beside him or wishing that anyone in that crowd would have knelt beside him and held his hand and told him he wasn't alone and that it was going to be okay. Because he died in such a public way, surrounded by people, and yet he was so, so, so alone. And when I die, I don't want to be filmed or gawked at or made a spectacle either. I just don't want to be alone

Wishing N was an option, as always. Wishing I had some explanation that wouldn't put me in a hospital or a ward, that I could be allowed to CTB while being allowed to reach out. But if I reach out now, someone will stop me from CTB'ing, and if I CTB, I'll have to do it by myself. It's such a weight to carry on your shoulders when you're already having to face the end

Hello! I am new around here but if it is okay to ask, why do you want to CTB? I would fully understand if you don't want to answer I am just curious.

 

[february in alaska]

Hello! I am new around here but if it is okay to ask, why do you want to CTB? I would fully understand if you don't want to answer I am just curious.

It's okay, I'm happy to answer! Although there really isn't a satisfying reason :')

Objectively, I have a good life, parents who love me, opportunity, relative financial stability, etc. so I don't really have a good reason to go. I guess the short answer is just simply mental illness, depression, anxiety, the works. I've been suicidal almost as long as I can remember and I've tried medication, therapy, counseling, etc., without that ever really changing. And I don't really have a desire to get better, I have no plans to improve, so no matter how many people try to help me, it's never going to happen

The long answer, ah, well. A lot of people are pushed to CTB for reasons completely out of their control or because of the trauma they suffered, but for me, it really is just me. I am the reason. Even the idea of living a perfectly good life makes me feel very miserable, I don't have any goals or plans for the future. It's like I've been awake for my entire life and all I want to do is go to sleep

honestly that is the main reason that draws me towards the partners thread- i want to be with someone and be alone at the end.
ah well...

I've considered it once or twice but I would never take the risk for practical reasons. But I do understand why the idea is appealing to so many people, and how it could be comforting

 

[Aburach]

I know it isn't possible, and I know it would only hurt the person who would have to watch me die in front of them, but this is already such a lonely experience. Life has been such a lonely experience. It feels so unfair that every single part of suicide is something that must be done alone

But if I reach out now, someone will stop me from CTB'ing, and if I CTB, I'll have to do it by myself. It's such a weight to carry on your shoulders when you're already having to face the end

I am so with you on both these observations. It's absolutely brutal not to be allowed by law in most countries to have someone to simply hold our hand as we depart if we have rationally decided that we have to exit. It's cruel and inhumane and it makes me really angry. I am in the 'medical reasons' category of likely CTBing, and I can't even discuss it or seek consolation or support from anyone. That's aside from the fact that the "easy" or at least peaceful options like N which were probably available 10 years ago are no longer possible.

To be honest, this is a bad time in history to be having to do this as for most of the last hundred years you could quite easily get dangerous drugs which would do the job, up until quite recently. I think in 10-20 years, assisted dying will be more widely available (maybe even in my own country). But right now, the squeeze on method/medication due to the media hysteria and the current law means things are not good at all.

 

[february in alaska]

I am so with you on both these observations. It's absolutely brutal not to be allowed by law in most countries to have someone to simply hold our hand as we depart if we have rationally decided that we have to exit. It's cruel and inhumane and it makes me really angry. I am in the 'medical reasons' category of likely CTBing, and I can't even discuss it or seek consolation or support from anyone. That's aside from the fact that the "easy" or at least peaceful options like N which were probably available 10 years ago are no longer possible.

To be honest, this is a bad time in history to be having to do this as for most of the last hundred years you could quite easily get dangerous drugs which would do the job, up until quite recently. I think in 10-20 years, assisted dying will be more widely available (maybe even in my own country). But right now, the squeeze on method/medication due to the media hysteria and the current law means things are not good at all.

Absolutely. It blows my mind that even people with terminal illnesses often can't have N. On one hand, I think the right to die will always have a movement behind it and hopefully will get better, but I also think… the world is so fucked

The world is fucked and I feel like we're all realizing it, and with suicide numbers constantly going up, a part of me wonders if governments will just keep cracking down on it. Not because they care about people (in which case they would focus on fixing the underlying reasons people want to CTB), but because they need people to be alive to keep the system running