I wish my attempt worked in December

[purplerapture]

When I was around 9 years old I was forced to carry a heavy bag with straight arms above my head for an hour straight I would say the bag weighed around 10kgs and every time my arms bent I would get punished so I had to stay here despite extreme physical pain.


After the incident I remember my back hurting for a long time I'm not sure how long my memory is blurry from back then and my parents didn't bother taking me to a doctor or anything. Which I don't fucking get why they never cared they barely did shit either when I was sexually assaulted. Everytime I think I don't care anymore my anger resurfaces again how am I not supposed to be filled with hatred towards them? I can't rely on anybody no matter how close I can only rely on myself that's how it's always been and that's how it'll always be.


What breaks my heart is that things were working out for me again. I had a new job opportunity that pays well I was able to feel happy and go back to my hobbies and social life I was able to recover from my eating disorder and was in the process of working out to build muscles. But realizing I have hyperlordosis (eventhough it's fixable) sent me on a spiral every time I think I can escape my past a new issue surfaces that could be related. I'm trying so hard to live but at times like this I wish it worked.

 

[Foreverix]

I don't want to invalidate how you feel, and you certainly have every right to be frustrated and heartbroken about all the hills life has given you to climb. Not to mention parents who don't seem very attentive to your pain. At all.

But it seems like you've made progress and achieved some really great things for yourself, on your own. Having a good job, friends, hobbies, AND you recovered from an eating disorder?

That's pretty epic. Again, don't want to take attention away from how you're feeling currently. But I can't help admiring what you've accomplished so far.

 

[purplerapture]

I don't want to invalidate how you feel, and you certainly have every right to be frustrated and heartbroken about all the hills life has given you to climb. Not to mention parents who don't seem very attentive to your pain. At all.

But it seems like you've made progress and achieved some really great things for yourself, on your own. Having a good job, friends, hobbies, AND you recovered from an eating disorder?

That's pretty epic. Again, don't want to take attention away from how you're feeling currently. But I can't help admiring what you've accomplished so far.

Don't worry you're not invalidating me that's really sweet :)


Despite my progress despite how happy I feel I will never regret trying to take my life tbh even when I'm at my happiest I always look back at my attempt and think "I wish it worked" I can't explain it it feels like all I accomplished so far was a result of my failed decision not something I actively chose but rather had to because I'm trapped in this life.