Venting I wish love was the cure

[dra1ncoreslwt]

Im not sure of where im standing right now, but I do know this is the only place in which I can properly say what I feel without being judged and/or straight up banned for the suicide topic talk.

it's been a very rough past couple of months now, specially this past one. my whole life I never talked to anyone abt my feelings, and recently I've come down to earth to start feeling the locked away pain worth of almost 7 years since that's when I'd say "everything went in the wrong direction" so I feel very shocked to realize nothing ever got better.. things changed shape and maybe they did get better but somehow I always end up in the same place and mindset. If I wasn't sad enough my illness is making it hard for me to assimilate things. I've gone breakdown after breakdown recently and gradually shared all I feel to my s/o. I'm so tired, there's tissues with blood all over my room and my clothes are dirty with it too, but what hurts me most is how easy I can fake being okay. How believable I am when I talk to someone concerned about me and I go through a conversation explaining how I'm doing okay. My close family members act so concerned about me yet I can't buy it, I simply didn't trust them anymore after all they've done to me yet I still love them. It's very painful having this constant and unbearable pain
on my chest physically and emotionally. so much my best friend and s/o saw it yesterday because I had a nervous attack on call. they helped ground me in that moment and reassured me, I can't deny the company was good, we laughed for a bit and then my s/o and I had a very comforting and intimate rest of our day. but at the end of the day, when I lay in bed and close my eyes, all the pain comes back to me, clouds my head and really reminds me I have so little left of me, of all the bad things and the hopelessness of the dirty mess I'm living. It makes me want to ctb. all I end up thinking about is kms. I feel so in pain after lying to their faces and can't imagine how much it would hurt them if I just gave up. they keep telling me to hold on and keep fighting and that I'll be okay. but the pain is louder than them. so i really wish their genuine love and care was enough to make me feel alright.

 

[stoopid]

You should evaluate if this is a phase or not before jumping into action.

There is a chance, if you go to them and speak clearly what troubles you, sometimes it's the way how you present your feelings.

If you as you said, usually or never talk about your feelings the people don't expect that you're going so all in. Maybe there are even super busy with their life and if you don't make it very loud and clear to get the message out they (because they don't expect that) don't recognize it or don't "register" it their mind. Like if it's a busy moment and you're standing somewhere and tell them super slow and calm and super silent "hey I have.." speaking from experience, they don't get it sometimes. Because people are generally dumb. If you get the message out, and tell them the true story how you feel and need their help or whatever you want to tell them in that moment. Maybe it works.


If that doesn't work other ways are possible, SN doesn't run away

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

You should evaluate if this is a phase or not before jumping into action.

There is a chance, if you go to them and speak clearly what troubles you, sometimes it's the way how you present your feelings.

If you as you said, usually or never talk about your feelings the people don't expect that you're going so all in. Maybe there are even super busy with their life and if you don't make it very loud and clear to get the message out they (because they don't expect that) don't recognize it or don't "register" it their mind. Like if it's a busy moment and you're standing somewhere and tell them super slow and calm and super silent "hey I have.." speaking from experience, they don't get it sometimes. Because people are generally dumb. If you get the message out, and tell them the true story how you feel and need their help or whatever you want to tell them in that moment. Maybe it works.


If that doesn't work other ways are possible, SN doesn't run away

yes evaluating if it's not a phase has been important to me, I've fought suicidal thoughts a long time ago but didnt do anything, however not coping led me to developing the chronic illness I have, so it's been a snowball down the mountain for me for years which makes me believe it's not a phase, I've planned on doing something risky for their attention since starving myself and self harming subtly hasn't gotten me anywhere besides coping which has helped somehow, thanks for this.

 

[stoopid]

Yeah, I tried to do something against the depression also. But I failed. I pray for you that you can turn it around. If there is a chance you can just know by trying. I see sometimes people who did it and succeeded im happy for them, but my choice is not bad either, both ways are okay as long your sure and don't have regrets

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

Yeah, I tried to do something against the depression also. But I failed. I pray for you that you can turn it around. If there is a chance you can just know by trying. I see sometimes people who did it and succeeded im happy for them, but my choice is not bad either, both ways are okay as long your sure and don't have regrets

thank you, I really hope it goes best for you too

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and I believe there to be no peace from suffering in this world and that is just the unfortunate reality. It sounds like you've suffered so much and it must be so tiring what you have to go through but anyway best wishes.