GirlOfThought06
autistic by the grace of god
- Nov 10, 2025
- 20
I wish I knew who I was. My mama looks at me and laments "you used to be such a happy girl. What happened to you?"
I really did try to express myself
When I was little I loved to play basketball, I was really good at it. I played with the boys at recess. But then I turned 8 and nobody wanted to play basketball, I sat alone on a stupid bench hoping someone would want to play with me. Nobody did. I tried to play basketball again— on a girls team. I was really good on defense, but the girls didn't like me. I wasn't allowed to sit with them so I quit.
We had a field trip, I was so excited— I put down five of my friends to share a cabin with. It was going to be so fun!
I was 9, the teacher told me nobody in the entire school put my name down. They put me in a random cabin, I wasn't wanted.
At 12 and 13 my music department went to broadway. Both times, nobody chose me for my group, but I just wanted to see the shows. The shows were great— but I did nothing but cry after. Nobody talked to me, nobody cared about me, I was even put on a bus with the students the grade below me because that's how unwanted and hated I was.
I tried to do cosplay when I was in middle school. I wanted to dress up and be just like them— I thought they were super cool
I did all I could to be anonymous, but that didn't stop them from finding me. The moment one came up to me and said they found my account I never cosplayed again
I tried to do chorus, I loved to sing. I sang since I was little, I was excited to try and do honors chorus— but I was shunned. I tried to tell the teachers how I was being treated, chronically left out, whispered about; alone— but it was my fault that I couldn't make friends.
I sat alone nearly always, I only had one friend but I always kept him behind— I was a drag, a social black hole of investment. When he wasn't around I sat alone.
Sometimes I had food thrown at me, especially the few times I sat with my brother. Other times the popular girls would walk over to me and talk to me like I'm some pet. I'd just nod along, I wasn't fully there. I tried to not give them any reaction
Nobody cared during prom. I tried to go I really did— I had picked out a really nice red dress and mama said I looked beautiful. I thought it'd be different some day I surely would be but
It was the same
I had my one friend— I don't know why he stayed. I just brought him down. People would talk to him, drag him off for photos happily for classes (even ones we shared, I wasn't invited) or clubs. So I just left early. It wasn't ever going to change
Nobody wanted me to sign their yearbook either, they'd look at me with distaste before moving to the next desk
It got worse, I struggled to get through each graduation rehearsal— once some boys honked at me constantly while I was driving home— I didn't do anything wrong. I was driving the speed limit
I wanted to shoot myself after I got my diploma, in front of the entire school to show them they turned me into a mangled pathetic excuse for a human being— that I was systemically failed.
But I didn't
I just didnt walk
It's just I was denied the things every other girl got, I was the only common denominator
Now I rot in my room afraid of people, because I am like a wounded deer who's caught in a mangled trap. I talk with a stutter and weird tone, I have strange interests, I overcompensate by studying obsessively, I have no social skills. They broke me they turned me into a monster
I'm sorry for whatever crime I committed that made me less than a human being, please don't be mean
I really did try to express myself
When I was little I loved to play basketball, I was really good at it. I played with the boys at recess. But then I turned 8 and nobody wanted to play basketball, I sat alone on a stupid bench hoping someone would want to play with me. Nobody did. I tried to play basketball again— on a girls team. I was really good on defense, but the girls didn't like me. I wasn't allowed to sit with them so I quit.
We had a field trip, I was so excited— I put down five of my friends to share a cabin with. It was going to be so fun!
I was 9, the teacher told me nobody in the entire school put my name down. They put me in a random cabin, I wasn't wanted.
At 12 and 13 my music department went to broadway. Both times, nobody chose me for my group, but I just wanted to see the shows. The shows were great— but I did nothing but cry after. Nobody talked to me, nobody cared about me, I was even put on a bus with the students the grade below me because that's how unwanted and hated I was.
I tried to do cosplay when I was in middle school. I wanted to dress up and be just like them— I thought they were super cool
I did all I could to be anonymous, but that didn't stop them from finding me. The moment one came up to me and said they found my account I never cosplayed again
I tried to do chorus, I loved to sing. I sang since I was little, I was excited to try and do honors chorus— but I was shunned. I tried to tell the teachers how I was being treated, chronically left out, whispered about; alone— but it was my fault that I couldn't make friends.
I sat alone nearly always, I only had one friend but I always kept him behind— I was a drag, a social black hole of investment. When he wasn't around I sat alone.
Sometimes I had food thrown at me, especially the few times I sat with my brother. Other times the popular girls would walk over to me and talk to me like I'm some pet. I'd just nod along, I wasn't fully there. I tried to not give them any reaction
Nobody cared during prom. I tried to go I really did— I had picked out a really nice red dress and mama said I looked beautiful. I thought it'd be different some day I surely would be but
It was the same
I had my one friend— I don't know why he stayed. I just brought him down. People would talk to him, drag him off for photos happily for classes (even ones we shared, I wasn't invited) or clubs. So I just left early. It wasn't ever going to change
Nobody wanted me to sign their yearbook either, they'd look at me with distaste before moving to the next desk
It got worse, I struggled to get through each graduation rehearsal— once some boys honked at me constantly while I was driving home— I didn't do anything wrong. I was driving the speed limit
I wanted to shoot myself after I got my diploma, in front of the entire school to show them they turned me into a mangled pathetic excuse for a human being— that I was systemically failed.
But I didn't
I just didnt walk
It's just I was denied the things every other girl got, I was the only common denominator
Now I rot in my room afraid of people, because I am like a wounded deer who's caught in a mangled trap. I talk with a stutter and weird tone, I have strange interests, I overcompensate by studying obsessively, I have no social skills. They broke me they turned me into a monster
I'm sorry for whatever crime I committed that made me less than a human being, please don't be mean
