Venting i wish it could be better

[http://crystal]

i know there's thousands and thousands of people who post similar threads. i just want to share my story, because i feel like i have no real impartial person/people to talk to about this.

i recently ran away from my mom. she was abusive. she used to hit me, have me play mom for my siblings, and neglect my needs (in no particular order). and while she sucks and i don't want to be at her house ever again... i'm stuck with another relative now. who is very controlling. where my mom was very distant and neglectful, my relative wants to know everything i do, when i do it, when i'll be free... to watch my siblings again. and it'd be okay if those kids loved me. they kind of just don't. i know they don't owe me anything and they're just kids... but it just feels like they don't even care how i never have spare time or sometimes money bc i'm watching them and always stressed out.

everyone sees my mom neglecting them. how she doesn't care. but when i was their age she was still doing these things. she still hurt me. and back then, i told everyone. counselors. my relatives. anyone with ears who'd listen, and i'd be told she was "trying her best". she was a "good mom". and how i'm the problem. how i don't know what it's like to truly be neglected.

and i have time left, i know. i'm not super old, i'm in my 20s. but it's like... what's the point? what the fuck am i even struggling through this for? to the adults in my life, i'm a stupid kid but also expected to take on adult responsibilities. i have no support system. my friends have their own shit going on and they don't have time for my shit. they deserve better than someone who's not even fucking happy and hasn't been happy. i don't want to struggle anymore. i've been trying to escape for yhears and it's met with new obstacles every single time. i just want to die, because i'm doing this for no reason. i don't even know how or when i'm supposed to do that. i don't have a method, nor a plan. but i know it's what i've wanted to do, i've been sure for over a decade. and whenever i die, i don't care how anyone feels anymore. i think i'm allowed this one selfish act when everyone continues to take and take from me.
i appreciate you if you read thru this mess of words.

 

[DungEater]

Met with the lot of the same as a kid "They aren't a bad parent they just-" will never understand peoples inability to call a shitty person a shitty person, maybe they don't want the burden of feeling like they HAVE to do something?

Hope your doing okay and find some resemblance of peace in one way or another

 

[http://crystal]

thank you so much, it's really nice to hear someone else can relate (even if it sucks we both had to go through that)

i hope one day you can find your peace too