Venting i wish i wasn’t such a screw up

[musingsofaghost]

I was hoping the perpetual feeling of wanting to CTB would change after my trip but now I'm in it and I can't see my point of view changing. I was using my overseas travel as a reason to continue pushing through but I literally cannot stop messing up in this trip. It feels like all the excitement I felt in these past few weeks were for nothing at all. I have done countless things to embarrass, frustrate, and annoy the people around me. I thought I was trying my best but clearly its not enough.

One person even had an intervention with me today. They said I should enjoy the vacation but be more considerate of the people around me. I thought I was doing that. I'm not even having fun because I've been holding back so much. I thought I was doing enough by taking care of the younger ones, and giving the older ones some space, but as always, it's just never enough. I'm tired of not being able to do anything right. I wish I could stop screwing things up in my life because if I did I know I'd be happier than I am now.

 

[Karrikin]

I was hoping the perpetual feeling of wanting to CTB would change after my trip but now I'm in it and I can't see my point of view changing. I was using my overseas travel as a reason to continue pushing through but I literally cannot stop messing up in this trip. It feels like all the excitement I felt in these past few weeks were for nothing at all. I have done countless things to embarrass, frustrate, and annoy the people around me. I thought I was trying my best but clearly its not enough.

One person even had an intervention with me today. They said I should enjoy the vacation but be more considerate of the people around me. I thought I was doing that. I'm not even having fun because I've been holding back so much. I thought I was doing enough by taking care of the younger ones, and giving the older ones some space, but as always, it's just never enough. I'm tired of not being able to do anything right. I wish I could stop screwing things up in my life because if I did I know I'd be happier than I am now.

I had a study abroad once where quite frankly I still think about it everyday. Even if it was a highlight of that year, all of the socializing and someone like me being put into a situation that had to be so jovial wasn't the best now that I think about it. All of my embarrassing moments where I had to feign being someone that was worth being around was painful and just made me think I should just give up. I'm not sure of your exact situation but I found it better to judge myself on other things where there wasn't such a massive disconnect with the people around me since I knew I'd be doomed to fail anyways and I would get many more sleep-less nights. But again, your situation might be different, sorry to hear it went like that too and I do hope it gets better.