dreaming_of_pearl
I miss you I love you I’m sorry
- Jun 10, 2023
- 54
I have 27k on TikTok almost at 30k.
I feel such an urge to conform to standards I have many people who love my cosplays, I'm fucking amazing at it, I've won awards, I've made 4 pretty viral videos in terms of cosplay.
My content isn't as good I feel I can't top those videos with my health decline. But that's not as important as the clout that comes with it.
I hang out with some pretty popular cosplayers who surpass me in followers/fans I'm okay with it. Untill they don't like me or I feel hurt by them BPD makes it hard to make or keep freinds especially with the autsim stuff. And ohhhh my god does it make me so angry… sure you can put on a cosplay and look sexy but compared to sevral of them I'm way more technically advanced I feel but that's not even what gets me.
I don't know why but I can feel it at least once I've been talked about how my content and cosplays declined, how I'm living past my means, how I need to keep up. It pisses me off so bad. I worked for years to be noticed. Truth is I've always wanted to be popular and this was my ticket doing something I love. I need to push harder and surpass those who are bigger than me I feel. I've never felt super hurt like this before I got my little bit of fame. I need to be bigger to be stronger. Those fuckers can write me off because I'm smaller now but without interfering in their lives or causing harm or discomfort to them I want to be the bitch they can't ignore.
You go to a competition and see somone radiating the shine of a fucking idol be scared. You're gonna loose, I don't want these people who dislike me now to ever win against me over my dead body. I don't want them to win if they win that means I'm less than them. It eats away at my brain every night. Like yes your amazing at what you do I think your so cool, and that means nothing, I don't deserve it more but I'm going to fight,fuck, and claw my way to the top of this awful cosplay micro celeb food chain because I didn't suffer being bullied for years dreaming about fame to loose it now.
I went on antidepressants, my content stopped I lost interest I couldn't produce my content anymore the stuff people liked at least. I was mentally sick.
I got off antidepressants, my content stopped I got physically sick beyond belief, gastreoparasis. I can't produce the content at an efficient rate for now or do the content people like. I get sick I start vomiting.
Why do the people who hurt my feelings climbing higher than I could ever hope to climb. It brings be back to my other posts that I'm unlikeable. I've been told I have a weird aura of sadness desolate and anger around me. I can see others see it that I'm a fucking time bomb waiting to happen. All I can do for now is turn it from sadness to anger to move forward so what if I live beyond my means I'll fucking do it, I'll fucking surpass all of you who look down on me you'll see I'll be the one to deny you all from parties because your not cool enough I'll talk behind your back with all your faves instead I'll be you but better. All I ever wanted was to be loved.
I feel such an urge to conform to standards I have many people who love my cosplays, I'm fucking amazing at it, I've won awards, I've made 4 pretty viral videos in terms of cosplay.
My content isn't as good I feel I can't top those videos with my health decline. But that's not as important as the clout that comes with it.
I hang out with some pretty popular cosplayers who surpass me in followers/fans I'm okay with it. Untill they don't like me or I feel hurt by them BPD makes it hard to make or keep freinds especially with the autsim stuff. And ohhhh my god does it make me so angry… sure you can put on a cosplay and look sexy but compared to sevral of them I'm way more technically advanced I feel but that's not even what gets me.
I don't know why but I can feel it at least once I've been talked about how my content and cosplays declined, how I'm living past my means, how I need to keep up. It pisses me off so bad. I worked for years to be noticed. Truth is I've always wanted to be popular and this was my ticket doing something I love. I need to push harder and surpass those who are bigger than me I feel. I've never felt super hurt like this before I got my little bit of fame. I need to be bigger to be stronger. Those fuckers can write me off because I'm smaller now but without interfering in their lives or causing harm or discomfort to them I want to be the bitch they can't ignore.
You go to a competition and see somone radiating the shine of a fucking idol be scared. You're gonna loose, I don't want these people who dislike me now to ever win against me over my dead body. I don't want them to win if they win that means I'm less than them. It eats away at my brain every night. Like yes your amazing at what you do I think your so cool, and that means nothing, I don't deserve it more but I'm going to fight,fuck, and claw my way to the top of this awful cosplay micro celeb food chain because I didn't suffer being bullied for years dreaming about fame to loose it now.
I went on antidepressants, my content stopped I lost interest I couldn't produce my content anymore the stuff people liked at least. I was mentally sick.
I got off antidepressants, my content stopped I got physically sick beyond belief, gastreoparasis. I can't produce the content at an efficient rate for now or do the content people like. I get sick I start vomiting.
Why do the people who hurt my feelings climbing higher than I could ever hope to climb. It brings be back to my other posts that I'm unlikeable. I've been told I have a weird aura of sadness desolate and anger around me. I can see others see it that I'm a fucking time bomb waiting to happen. All I can do for now is turn it from sadness to anger to move forward so what if I live beyond my means I'll fucking do it, I'll fucking surpass all of you who look down on me you'll see I'll be the one to deny you all from parties because your not cool enough I'll talk behind your back with all your faves instead I'll be you but better. All I ever wanted was to be loved.
