I wish I was brave

[Smokey8484]

I wish I was brave enough to finally make the decision to ctb, and stick to it. I've come close over the past few years (picked a time, date &location, picked my method of choice, sorted my affairs out etc) but at the last minute, I bailed on myself to give life another try in the hope that something might change. Despite my best efforts (therapy, medication, change of career, changes in friendships, dating etc) nothing significant has changed in the last decade. Its Groundhog Day.

I keep wistfully thinking of my first, and most serious, attempt to ctb where I was young, determined, oblivious and brave, and was very close to completion. I truly regret the fact that I fucked it up so royally and yet, havent recovered the courage to try it again with that determination.
Is it survival instinct? Am I clinging to some small but of hope even though I don't believe anything is likely to change? How can I move beyond this state of indecision to either ctb or make peace with my life and my lonely future? Any thoughts or advice is appreciated

 

[Huntfish34]

A whole lot of SI going on,. I agree. Just human nature I suppose. Wish I could give you more advice but I'm pretty much in the same boat. Just not brave enough to Ctb yet =\. Pretty discouraging feeling to say the least.

 

[Smokey8484]

A whole lot of SI going on,. I agree. Just human nature I suppose. Wish I could give you more advice but I'm pretty much in the same boat. Just not brave enough to Ctb yet =\. Pretty discouraging feeling to say the least.

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I agree its discouraging, and I feel like it's a constant battle between my mind and my body, it's so exhausting. I dont know how to win the war against myself

 

[Ghost2211]

SI seems to decrease over time as people get more comfortable with the ideal of dying. You may just not be ready for some subconscious reason. Try to give yourself and break, and soul search a bit about why you keep stopping. If part of you wants to live then suicide might not be the right thing to do at this time. If deep in your heart you feel You tried everything and exhausted all options that spark will fade, and SI will be gone. It holds a lot of us here.

 

[zeroshark]

no advice to offer, but i can at least guarantee you are not the only person dealing with this. i hope you can find peace and relief, wherever that takes you.

 

[woxihuanni]

I wish I was brave enough to finally make the decision to ctb, and stick to it. I've come close over the past few years (picked a time, date &location, picked my method of choice, sorted my affairs out etc) but at the last minute, I bailed on myself to give life another try in the hope that something might change. Despite my best efforts (therapy, medication, change of career, changes in friendships, dating etc) nothing significant has changed in the last decade. Its Groundhog Day.

I keep wistfully thinking of my first, and most serious, attempt to ctb where I was young, determined, oblivious and brave, and was very close to completion. I truly regret the fact that I fucked it up so royally and yet, havent recovered the courage to try it again with that determination.
Is it survival instinct? Am I clinging to some small but of hope even though I don't believe anything is likely to change? How can I move beyond this state of indecision to either ctb or make peace with my life and my lonely future? Any thoughts or advice is appreciated

No advice, but a hug for being a fellow fucker-up-royally.

If I were to be completely rational about my situation, I'd say a good age for suicide would've been less than three months old in the womb. And yet here I am, really annoying my partner because I've still not done it.

 

[Oblivion]

i have nothing to live for, yet i'm unable to do it, i failed in everything in life, even in the ability to commit suicide.
no friends, no girl, no money, no job, inability to do any job, becoming a fat cow, being hated by ex friends and family, no hope but only things getting worse and worse and worse, and i'm unable to do it cause i'm a coward

 

[zeroshark]

No advice, but a hug for being a fellow fucker-up-royally.

If I were to be completely rational about my situation, I'd say a good age for suicide would've been less than three months old in the womb. And yet here I am, really annoying my partner because I've still not done it.

are you in my head? holy shit, we could be twins in suicidality.

 

[woxihuanni]

are you in my head? holy shit, we could be twins in suicidality.

I wish I could act rationally rather than clinge to life like chicken shit. But probably they will order me to die chop chop nowadays. They've dissociated completely