hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 189
I'm really not built for being alive. I just can't accept this. Like being alive is just tolerating terrible shit till you die.
Like I'm gonna sound like an edgy teen but i literally missed an assignment cause i didn't feel like doing it and yet my brain is going haywire telling me ti just die cause i can't write an essay but like literally i do not believe God put me on this plannet to wriye fucking essays and get a job and work and die.
Like even the whole art thing. Im not saying oh i should be drawing not writing essays, its more like i shouldn't be feeling like shit because I'm not productive or not forcing myself to do things i dislike.
Cause even as an artist, if im not popular im fucked cause bills will exist and ill have to worry about other humans if i wanna fuck off and just live off the land. Im not scared of being mauled by an animal in the woods, but im scared kf being attacked by ankther human cause they made the choice to hurt me.
So it's like i wanna die cause im just tired of everything. Tired of school. Tired of thinking about how i need tk get a job to survive. How i need to practice to make better arc. I don't want to do anything. Im tired and burnt out.
My home country is going to shit. My current country is going to shit. My school is doing jack shit to help me graduate on time.
Beinf around my family just makes me upset because all i want to do is just complain sometimes but they always have something to say. Like i just want to be mad in peace. I don't want to leave the house but they make me and get upset when im not having fun. I just want to be indoors is that a crime?!?!?! If i say no they throw a fit. No kne respects me when im doing homework. They just get upset cause im always doing homework like i want to be stuck staring at my fucking canvas page all day.
And despite all this. Ill probably never pull the fucking trigger and blast my head open because im scared of going to hell.
Im just so mad at myself. I can't suck it up and force myself to just tolerate this shit existence but i also won't just kill myself and end it. Im just so angry.
Like I'm gonna sound like an edgy teen but i literally missed an assignment cause i didn't feel like doing it and yet my brain is going haywire telling me ti just die cause i can't write an essay but like literally i do not believe God put me on this plannet to wriye fucking essays and get a job and work and die.
Like even the whole art thing. Im not saying oh i should be drawing not writing essays, its more like i shouldn't be feeling like shit because I'm not productive or not forcing myself to do things i dislike.
Cause even as an artist, if im not popular im fucked cause bills will exist and ill have to worry about other humans if i wanna fuck off and just live off the land. Im not scared of being mauled by an animal in the woods, but im scared kf being attacked by ankther human cause they made the choice to hurt me.
So it's like i wanna die cause im just tired of everything. Tired of school. Tired of thinking about how i need tk get a job to survive. How i need to practice to make better arc. I don't want to do anything. Im tired and burnt out.
My home country is going to shit. My current country is going to shit. My school is doing jack shit to help me graduate on time.
Beinf around my family just makes me upset because all i want to do is just complain sometimes but they always have something to say. Like i just want to be mad in peace. I don't want to leave the house but they make me and get upset when im not having fun. I just want to be indoors is that a crime?!?!?! If i say no they throw a fit. No kne respects me when im doing homework. They just get upset cause im always doing homework like i want to be stuck staring at my fucking canvas page all day.
And despite all this. Ill probably never pull the fucking trigger and blast my head open because im scared of going to hell.
Im just so mad at myself. I can't suck it up and force myself to just tolerate this shit existence but i also won't just kill myself and end it. Im just so angry.