I wish I left earlier. Now I feel like a failure.

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I am sad and upset at myself. I was sexually assaulted by a friend I liked in my sophomore/junior year of college. I reported it and nothing came out of it. I still hung around the guy ad my old fiends until making the decision to leave my friend group entirely. I was suicidal and had mini heart attacks seeing this guy in the hallways knowing I never got justice. Even though I had the chance to take it to court, I was afraid especially since my family wouldnt support me. I am a senior now and will be graduating soon. I feel like such a failure, so much thta I should just die. There are so many stronger victims of abuse who are able to leave and I stayed. I am a failure to humanity

 

[Lunarhour]

I am a senior now and will be graduating soon.

Graduate, give your school the bird and go out into the world. Things will be different when you don't have to go through that school schedule seeing the same people that disappointed you and gave you a hard time. Focus on graduating, try to focus on your education, do your homework while your favourite music plays in the background. Impress your teachers, forget about the "friendly" group you left behind. Everyone forgets eachother and will probably never see eachother after they graduate. There are most likely students who eat their lunch in the bathroom stalls and by the fire exits of the school.. you are not alone.

I'm sorry your in pain and your feeling alone.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Its just really not fair. I thought that, if I lived, I would eventually find love and peace. Everyone said college was the best four years and make good find and shit. So why did I get the bad end? Do I just give up? Whats the point anymore?

 

[Lunarhour]

Your in pain and you admitted it. You had the strength to talk about your issues on this site, that takes strength and that means that your not a failure to humanity if your revealing your pains. Its what we do as humans, your human, the negative thoughts can make you think your worthless and you gotta question those bad thoughts. Are they real? How did you get this far without giving up.

As for giving up, i think you should ride it out until graduation, until you get some new scenery maybe meet new people.

What are your goals when you finish school?

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Tbh, I dont know. A part of me wishes I could die. Maybe reincarnate into a dog or cat, or a better childhood. I want to forget this poor existence. I want to one day stare death in the face and say "I'm ready"

 

[Muirthemne]

After experiencing something so terrible, I think just surviving at all shows incredible strength, and if your report wasn't taken seriously, I think that says the system failed, not you.

I know you're really hurting, but I hope you understand that what happened is only a negative reflection on the person who hurt you and not on yourself, and no matter how you feel right now, this doesn't diminish you.

 

[Shinbu]

I can relate I have been sexually assaulted in middle school. It's one of the reasons why I have PTSD.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I can relate I have been sexually assaulted in middle school. It's one of the reasons why I have PTSD.

I am so sorry for what you experienced. Sexual abuse, I feel, is the absolute worst thing anyone can experience

After experiencing something so terrible, I think just surviving at all shows incredible strength, and if your report wasn't taken seriously, I think that says the system failed, not you.

I know you're really hurting, but I hope you understand that what happened is only a negative reflection on the person who hurt you and not on yourself, and no matter how you feel right now, this doesn't diminish you.

Thank you for responding. Yeah I know its not my fault. Its just I feel I am lifespan's punching bag, like my official name should be "punching bag" because all throughout life I am just abused by everyone. So.....knowing my fate I should give up. I just have to determine when the right time is.

 

[Deleted member 17331]

I feel like such a failure, so much thta I should just die. There are so many stronger victims of abuse who are able to leave and I stayed. I am a failure to humanity

Oh, I can see myself in this... I was abused as a child by a member of my family (my grandfather) and when I told my parents they just said I was lying. And they didn't want to take exams.

I grew up with it, and sometimes I believe it was my fault. But it can't be my fault. I was just a 6 year old child, I was scared, and when I asked for help nobody heard me. Everyone just covered their ears.

And I believe that you are NOT a failure, you are strong. I see that you are strong.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Oh, I can see myself in this... I was abused as a child by a member of my family (my grandfather) and when I told my parents they just said I was lying. And they didn't want to take exams.

I grew up with it, and sometimes I believe it was my fault. But it can't be my fault. I was just a 6 year old child, I was scared, and when I asked for help nobody heard me. Everyone just covered their ears.

And I believe that you are NOT a failure, you are strong. I see that you are strong.

How, exactly, am I strong?
Every I think of how to kill myself. I think about whether or not together a gun license, whether should force open my bedroom window and jump out, and feeling that I the end my enemies won and nobody every really loved me. That, if I just start life over after death then I will be happier. I could have the good childhoods that so many take for granted

 

[Deleted member 17331]

I don't see suicide as a weakness. In my perception, the weakness is in those who do not want to hear us.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I don't see suicide as a weakness. In my perception, the weakness is in those who do not want to hear us.

Thats....powerful. I kind of feel similarly
I think that, not everyone has the mental capability to survive life. Some of us have a good start, and despite hick ups here and there, we can live a a good life. For many of us, thats a different story. I find it so interesting for it to be acceptable to let someone die if they have a physical illness, but when its a mental illness dying is "wrong". I think adopting a "pro choice" mentality can be helpful. To validate ones reasoning for suicide and not force the "you need to live" agenda down their throats. Offer help and resources, but if ultimately the person wants the die it should be granted.