I don't know why I even bother. My life has been hell from beginning to now. I experienced horrific abuse from birth to age 18. It completely destroyed me and I don't see how I could possibly lead a normal life after that. I still suffer the effects of it every day. Like constantly being in panic mode thinking someone is gonna break in my house to kill me. Or thinking a people are following me on the street. Pretty sure I have PTSD.
My last ctb attempt was November 2019. I was hospitalised for a week and sadly made it. Idk how or why, but I decided to give life another shot after that. Go back to uni and finish my degree. This is my SIXTH year trying to finish a 3 year course. I'm a fucking loser.
I'm starting to wonder if there's any point trying. I have no family. No friends. I have no one. I go months without speaking to a single soul, except for the supermarket cashier. My existence is so fucking sad and pathetic. I'm doing ok at university but not good enough. Just average. It's 99.9% likely I'll graduate with a 2:2. 6 fucking years of my life to get a 2:2. I hate myself. This will exclude me from pursuing my dream career (doctor). That dream is literally the only thing I have left to live for. And even that is being slowly taken away from me. I can't concentrate on anything, my memory is worse than my grandma's, and I'm just fucking useless overall. I try and try, but life just kicks me down at every opportunity.
Now I'm wondering what's the point. Why am I still here going through hell every day? Just to watch life take the only thing I have left? That's such bullshit. I'm gonna spend Christmas alone. Just like I spend all my birthdays. For what? Why the fuck am I still here? I hope I have the guts to go before Christmas. I wish I wasn't such a coward.
My last ctb attempt was November 2019. I was hospitalised for a week and sadly made it. Idk how or why, but I decided to give life another shot after that. Go back to uni and finish my degree. This is my SIXTH year trying to finish a 3 year course. I'm a fucking loser.
I'm starting to wonder if there's any point trying. I have no family. No friends. I have no one. I go months without speaking to a single soul, except for the supermarket cashier. My existence is so fucking sad and pathetic. I'm doing ok at university but not good enough. Just average. It's 99.9% likely I'll graduate with a 2:2. 6 fucking years of my life to get a 2:2. I hate myself. This will exclude me from pursuing my dream career (doctor). That dream is literally the only thing I have left to live for. And even that is being slowly taken away from me. I can't concentrate on anything, my memory is worse than my grandma's, and I'm just fucking useless overall. I try and try, but life just kicks me down at every opportunity.
Now I'm wondering what's the point. Why am I still here going through hell every day? Just to watch life take the only thing I have left? That's such bullshit. I'm gonna spend Christmas alone. Just like I spend all my birthdays. For what? Why the fuck am I still here? I hope I have the guts to go before Christmas. I wish I wasn't such a coward.
