Venting I wish I Had Killed Myself When I Was a Teenager

[TheGoodGuy]

Back when I had a life, style and a whole lot of personality I was a teenager so people would find it more tragic and also not blame as much where as an adult 25+ years people will see me as a grown up who should just have got his shit together, I miss being an edgy Goth/Emo teen I had so much personality, style and life I had so many friends and aquintances now I have no friends and no aquintances no one but my family will be sad when I`m gone.

I miss the feeling of thinking about committing suicide when I was Goth and had depression it felt so good to think about how everyone would miss me and how the whole world would revolve around my suicide after I was gone now I have no feelings really only apathy and all the people I used to know is gone they have become adults they have whole new lives. People I used to talk to would be complete strangers if I walked past them on the street it hits so hard to think that some people that used to be a part of my life are just complete strangers and when we walk past each other there isn´t even a "hallo" or when seeing old aquantances/friends being recommended on Facebook and barely even to recognize them because they have grown up to be responsible mature adults. My whole world has changed and I just want it to end I want to go back when life was simpler.

I want to be a child again so bad! I could even settle for being a teenager again at least I lived life I cared about my looks it was a passion for me like it is for most teens I wouldn´t even set foot outside my door without styling my hair or putting on makeup (depending on the phase) now I don´t care at all I have become a boring adult, I miss fooling around with friends doing all kind of crazy stuff like teenagers did things nobody would do today because they have grown up. I remember climbing into my old kindergarten with 2 friends at age 12-13 after pulling an all nighter just to see how it looked in there because at 13 I already started missing my childhood but at that age I still had fun, but such a simple thing like climbing into the kindergaten no one would do that today and we wouldn´t be able to get away with it if caught.

I just miss the innocent exciting life back as a teenager there was so many new things to explore in life, childhood and teenage years are living adulthood is existing.

 

[pole]

can relate soo much. my one thing i hope i dont have is regretting on not ctbing right now, and regret it by getting older and older and only going through all those years and ctbing then instead of just now, knowing life might just keep getting worse as i get older.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

can relate soo much. my one thing i hope i dont have is regretting on not ctbing right now, and regret it by getting older and older and only going through all those years and ctbing then instead of just now, knowing life might just keep getting worse as i get older.

That´s even more terrible as we get older to see in heinsight that back when we originally planned to kill ourself but we gave life another chance which only prolonged our suffering.

Had I killed myself like I carefully planned at the ages 18-19 I would have sparred myself 7 years of misery and suffering SEVEN YEARS!!! I have not been able to live life at all every day is the same my body only becomes more and more defect I don´t like any of the hobbies I once had I don´t even enjoy video games anymore!

 

[pole]

terrible to hear, extremely sorry :/. hope you get better and find peace soon. hope i dont have to go through this.

 

[Godofdeathftw]

I mean, you can't regret anything once you're dead, so it really doesn't matter how long you wait. That's also a good reason not to kill yourself. You'll forget all the misery you experienced either way.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I mean, you can't regret anything once you're dead, so it really doesn't matter how long you wait. That's also a good reason not to kill yourself. You'll forget all the misery you experienced either way.

Logically I should just put the pistol to my head and pull the trigger and it´s all over yet I don´t I fucking hate that!

 

[Godofdeathftw]

Logically I should just put the pistol to my head and pull the trigger and it´s all over yet I don´t I fucking hate that!

I get how you feel. Remember though, you can't experience death, only dying. With a gun, the dying part is basically non-existent. You pull that trigger and there will be no more pain, just like before you were born.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I know I have done plenty of research and with a gun I won´t even hear the gunshot before I go unconcious.
If you have any articles or sourced about how quick it happens please share.

Remember though, you can't experience death, only dying.

I like this quote, although I know it it´s nice see it in a simple few words.

 

[attribute-level-kale]

Hundreds of individuals would have attended my funeral without exaggeration.

Now less than 10 certainly, and I am lucky to have them even.

What difference does it make?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Hundreds of individuals would have attended my funeral without exaggeration.

Now less than 10 certainly, and I am lucky to have them even.

What difference does it make?

The difference is as a teenager people would have remembered me as the awesome guy I was while I still had a life now I am just a lonely guy rotting in my apartment but objectively it really don´t make any difference because once I die I will seize to exist I won´t be able to spectate anything.

 

[SuicidalDream]

I sort of wish I had killed myself when I was a teenager for the same reasons you said. Some people still care about me but an adult suicide doesn't have the same impact on people as a teen suicide. I would rather have died then and been remembered as someone who had potential than be remembered as the loser I am now. I'm still young (21) but I feel like I don't have a future. At the very least, dying as a teenager would have meant not wasting tens of thousands of dollars of my parents' money on college that I'm always on the verge of flunking out of.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

The funny part about life is that it has its ups and downs. Do I wish I would have gone through with it back then? Yes. But do I look back and say I am glad I had the experiences I've had? Yes. It's a double edge sword. Life is funny that way... time comes when it is supposed to.

Hugs my friend.

 

[Rollinggirl]

Wow this just makes me feel like ctb...

 

[HGL91]

Yeah, I could have saved my family a lot of money and stress if I just CTB in 2014...

 

[Final Escape]

Mee too, I had no idea how messed up I was and how bad things would get over time. Now if I ctb it is mostly like a defeat and consequence of having failed.

 

[HGL91]

Mee too, I had no idea how messed up I was and how bad things would get over time. Now if I ctb it is mostly like a defeat and consequence of having failed.

Says you're 42. What kept you going for that long? I'm 27 and not only exhausted but very bored with life.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Back when I had a life, style and a whole lot of personality I was a teenager so people would find it more tragic and also not blame as much where as an adult 25+ years people will see me as a grown up who should just have got his shit together, I miss being an edgy Goth/Emo teen I had so much personality, style and life I had so many friends and aquintances now I have no friends and no aquintances no one but my family will be sad when I`m gone.

I miss the feeling of thinking about committing suicide when I was Goth and had depression it felt so good to think about how everyone would miss me and how the whole world would revolve around my suicide after I was gone now I have no feelings really only apathy and all the people I used to know is gone they have become adults they have whole new lives. People I used to talk to would be complete strangers if I walked past them on the street it hits so hard to think that some people that used to be a part of my life are just complete strangers and when we walk past each other there isn´t even a "hallo" or when seeing old aquantances/friends being recommended on Facebook and barely even to recognize them because they have grown up to be responsible mature adults. My whole world has changed and I just want it to end I want to go back when life was simpler.

I want to be a child again so bad! I could even settle for being a teenager again at least I lived life I cared about my looks it was a passion for me like it is for most teens I wouldn´t even set foot outside my door without styling my hair or putting on makeup (depending on the phase) now I don´t care at all I have become a boring adult, I miss fooling around with friends doing all kind of crazy stuff like teenagers did things nobody would do today because they have grown up. I remember climbing into my old kindergarten with 2 friends at age 12-13 after pulling an all nighter just to see how it looked in there because at 13 I already started missing my childhood but at that age I still had fun, but such a simple thing like climbing into the kindergaten no one would do that today and we wouldn´t be able to get away with it if caught.

I just miss the innocent exciting life back as a teenager there was so many new things to explore in life, childhood and teenage years are living adulthood is existing.

I don't miss my teen years at all but I can relate to missing my childhood. It was pretty good when I was in K-1 (school). Everything went to shit after that.

I'm glad in someways that it's all behind me. In other ways...I wish it wasn't. Like I wish I didn't even remember yet. That opened my mind to the possibility of ECT if it had the ability to purge memories. I wouldn't even care if I forgot most of it. If it could mean I could be innocent again, I'd do it.

The only difference between you and I is I do care about my looks now where as before I didn't. I care about everything externally and am actively doing things to improve and better my external self. My internal self...I'm not doing what I need to be doing. Finding a job, being happy, and asking girls out or telling them how I feel. Because I'm afraid of being hurt. My heart is already super vulnerable and fragile...broken even. Putting a weak heart out there is like asking to be slaughtered. Except I wont actually die and will just wish I was dead even more than I already do. It happens time and time again when I foolishly go for it. No one's ever gonna accept me. I'm the only one who accepts me. Therapy taught me that too...and while I didn't want to accept that, I see everything for how it really is now.

Kind of ironic, huh? Therapy continuously makes me realize how worthless my life really is and enforces the reasons on why I should end it. Makes me wonder sometimes if I should never have opened up about suicide and sought help. Maybe I'd be better off and all of this could have been fixed.

Just wishful thinking.

 

[Final Escape]

Says you're 42. What kept you going for that long? I'm 27 and not only exhausted but very bored with life.

Honestly I have no idea. I became comfortable in the misery. Fear of failing when I did attempt. I don't have much to live for, mentally deteriorating because of bad mental habits and complex ptsd. I'm somewhat embarrassed about being found dead too I've noticed. I'm thinking I'm goin to pick up some adult diapers so they don't have to clean up the poo and pee when I'm discovered. God that will look lovely :/

 

[TheGoodGuy]

The funny part about life is that it has its ups and downs. Do I wish I would have gone through with it back then? Yes. But do I look back and say I am glad I had the experiences I've had? Yes. It's a double edge sword. Life is funny that way... time comes when it is supposed to.

Hugs my friend.

That is not universal that is YOU that you are talking about it´s YOUR life that has it´s ups and downs. I only had downs for the last 5 years and it gets worse by every passing year, I bet you have a normal functioning body so you don´t know how it is to be stuck in a defect body where you can´t cope like everyone else.

Had I killed myself at 18-19 I would have been spared so much misery and suffering nothing good came from the last 7 years both my physical health and mental health went downhill by each passing year.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

That is not universal that is YOU that you are talking about it´s YOUR life that has it´s ups and downs. I only had downs for the last 5 years and it gets worse by every passing year, I bet you have a normal functioning body so you don´t know how it is to be stuck in a defect body where you can´t cope like everyone else.

Had I killed myself at 18-19 I would have been spared so much misery and suffering nothing good came from the last 7 years both my physical health and mental health went downhill by each passing year.

Sure, it's not universal, which is part of the human existence. I can only speak for my truth. And I deeply understand that others have other truths.

I can offer you friendship and sincerity in saying I empathize with you... I hope you didn't take my response as a unifying truth, because it's not.

Hugs...

 

[Ampsvx123]

I miss behind a little child the most, that is the reason I shall soon depart toward this cold white morning sky, like the proud little sparrow that sang to me this morning, flying high, as if finally free from an hellish reality.
Although I have changed for many reasons, I used to be the happiest one. I look very young for my age for I have kept myself anorexic my whole life, my bones couldn't be smaller for an almost 25. A few weeks ago, while buying clothing, I got mistook for a teen, while it made me happy, had to remind her and myself how old I am, how quick time flew and how utterly bored of this adult life I am. Though I miss the emotions the most, I dream, perhaps too much, my soul long for so much more than this dreadful, damned and magicless world could ever offer. Simply Can't bear living the same day anylonger. Utterly bored by the news, politics, and the daily madness this world offer us. I too should have gone by my teens. This decade has been senseless, like a fool i remained because i thought it would be worth to complete an ephemeral thing first. Now, I daily and nightly wish to be a child once more, just want to forever run by the apple orchard, waltzing on and on under the ageless high moons.

The more I live, the more i admire Death, it is beautiful and kind, the most precious of all things, it is unknown and for that, infinite, only through it, all the sweetest of dreams be realized.

 

[stoney126]

The difference is as a teenager people would have remembered me as the awesome guy I was while I still had a life now I am just a lonely guy rotting in my apartment but objectively it really don´t make any difference because once I die I will seize to exist I won´t be able to spectate anything.

I think you are looking at it in a really negative (or surreal even) state. What does it matter what other people think of you when you are gone? Sounds like you are looking to CTB for a lot of the wrong reasons; or you wanted to at the time. Having a poetic death and creating despair among the people you say you care for are not very good reasons to CTB IMO.

If anything, you can look at like now and realize that CTB would have a less negative effect. You have (assumingly) already tried to succeed in life, and that didn't work out too well. Those people that would have been hurt if high school you CTB would no longer be hurt; and that sounds like a good thing. Leaving loved ones behind to grieve and mourn is not a positive; some may never get over it in their lives. Not to say that it is a good reason to avoid making a decision, but it damn sure isn't a positive.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Though I miss the emotions the most

I agree with everything you said. And this quote I can relate to so much, I only experience apathy I don´t even feel nostalgia anymore maybe only a small spark of it sometimes but it´s not enough to remember how the emotions felt like which is essentially what nostalgia is remembering the emotions experienced from a certain memory.

Simply Can't bear living the same day anylonger. Utterly bored by the news, politics, and the daily madness this world offer us. I too should have gone by my teens. This decade has been senseless

I too miss a simpler time even as a teenager I never heard anything about politics and all the things in the News it was none existent.

I too should have gone by my teens. This decade has been senseless,

And damn this quote hits me very hard because it´s so true, it´s almost been a decade since 2010 which was my last "fun" year. Sure I had depression at the time and was very suicidal but I truly FELT every emotion and I still had friends and truly lived! Now it has almost been a decade and everything is fucked up everything is so complicated nowadays I miss being a happy ignorant and naive child or even a curious excited teenager exploring life even though I had depression everything is better than what I experience now just apathy and anhedonia feeling no emotions, not even nostalgia.

Sounds like you are looking to CTB for a lot of the wrong reasons

This couldn´t be further from the truth I suffer from many physical illnesses that ruins my life that confines me to my apartment then I have my mental problems on top of that and the fact that I think adult life isn´t worth living it´s too much work for no reward at all. Childhood and teenage years is living, adulthood is existing.