Venting I wish I had Ctb-ed 8 years ago

[ve.nin]

I wish I had killed myself before it all started

I don't wanna be in this world anymore

I despise it, me, existence in general

I've had enough

I can't take it any longer. I want to just dissapear.

No more pain, no more suffering, anxieties, depression, guilt, shame, awkwardness

No more. I beg myself to stop it. I just can't exist anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly very much understandable just wishing for nothingness, I hope that you find the freedom you search for as I understand that it's so dreadful having to suffer in this existence.

 

[Unknown21]

Being exist is a hellish situation i want out so badly, but I'm such a coward and paranoid person, i have my sn (99% purity) and all supplementary drugs but benzos and i can't just ctb, every day i read something different about it, .e.g today i read that sn can cause suffocation and that made me so terrified. I also fear failure so much, i just wish the process was easier, I'm stuck and trapped here unfortunately, existence is a pure hell.

 

[alexx_m]

If only we could just flip a switch an stop existing. I feel your pain, I've been suicidal for over 10 years but somehow I'm still scared to do it. I hope one day you find the peace your seeking.

 

[ve.nin]

Being exist is a hellish situation i want out so badly, but I'm such a coward and paranoid person, i have my sn (99% purity) and all supplementary drugs but benzos and i can't just ctb, every day i read something different about it, .e.g today i read that sn can cause suffocation and that made me so terrified. I also fear failure so much, i just wish the process was easier, I'm stuck and trapped here unfortunately, existence is a pure hell.

I feel you brother

 

[EternalShore]

relatable, yes~ It's unfortunate how hope just keeps us going even though, when we look back on it all, we just wish we gave it all up long ago in the first place! :(

 

[ve.nin]

If only we could just flip a switch an stop existing. I feel your pain, I've been suicidal for over 10 years but somehow I'm still scared to do it. I hope one day you find the peace your seeking.

Ty

relatable, yes~ It's unfortunate how hope just keeps us going even though, when we look back on it all, we just wish we gave it all up long ago in the first place! :(

Yeah. My hope is gone, so

 

[MrDarkness]

i feel that at times, but if i died early, i wouldnt have met some wonderful people, sure ive loss some good friends, but thats life. im sure they are smiling down on me

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

Hi, Venin.

I wish I had killed myself before it all started

I despise it, me

No more pain, no more suffering, anxieties, depression, guilt, shame, awkwardness

Me too.
I also often think how good it would be if I died in April 2018. Before I knew how cruel, vile, and lying dear people could be. Before I knew what absolute hell is.

 

[foxgirl]

Maybe if I'd done it before, I wouldn't have fucked so much up now. Totally get what you mean.

 

[EternalShore]

i feel that at times, but if i died early, i wouldnt have met some wonderful people, sure ive loss some good friends, but thats life. im sure they are smiling down on me

Good for you... Many of us are not as fortunate~ At least, some people are good online tho, yes :(

 

[hi-okbye]

i get how you feel, this existence can be so cruel sometimes, i wish you peace soon <3

 

[Raindancer]

Aw, Venin, I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it away. I am very tired too. 90% of the time when I wake up the first word out of my mouth is fuck. I am seeing whatever energy I can and wish you comfort and peace!

 

[MrDarkness]

Good for you... Many of us are not as fortunate~ At least, some people are good online tho, yes :(

You just gotta look, it aint easy, you will find some crazy people, some assholes, but you will hit gold eventually

 

[BarnabasCollins]

I almost did it 5 years ago. The only reason I fight to urge to wish I'd done it is the birth of my son last year, but apart from that, everything's gone so wrong. Now I'm going through a horrible, massively expensive divorce with my mental health being dragged through the mud. She's using my past suicide ideation against me in court to say I should never be around my son. I never cheated or abused her, I just got depressed and she freaked out. Here we are.

The point is I get it. I'm gonna ctb in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to leave my son, but I know I've already lost him.

I guess I'm trying to say that regret is awful, including the regret of having not ctb'd before everything got so truly horrible.

 

[ve.nin]

I almost did it 5 years ago. The only reason I fight to urge to wish I'd done it is the birth of my son last year, but apart from that, everything's gone so wrong. Now I'm going through a horrible, massively expensive divorce with my mental health being dragged through the mud. She's using my past suicide ideation against me in court to say I should never be around my son. I never cheated or abused her, I just got depressed and she freaked out. Here we are.

The point is I get it. I'm gonna ctb in the next couple of weeks. I don't want to leave my son, but I know I've already lost him.

I guess I'm trying to say that regret is awful, including the regret of having not ctb'd before everything got so truly horrible.

I'm really sorry that happened and I thank you for your words.

Can I ask where are you from?

You just gotta look, it aint easy, you will find some crazy people, some assholes, but you will hit gold eventually

True

 

[Finalnight]

I wish I had killed myself before it all started

I don't wanna be in this world anymore

I despise it, me, existence in general

I've had enough

I can't take it any longer. I want to just dissapear.

No more pain, no more suffering, anxieties, depression, guilt, shame, awkwardness

No more. I beg myself to stop it. I just can't exist anymore.

I understand you, I'm sorry that the circumstances ruined your attempt. If I just knew how my life was going to be I would have wished to Ctb at an earlier age as well, I was so unlucky I didn't drown in that pool when I was just a toddler...

 

[BarnabasCollins]

I'm really sorry that happened and I thank you for your words.

Can I ask where are you from?

True

Sorry for the late reply; I've been sick with a horrible flu.

Thank you for kind words. It means a lot.

I'm from the American South, sadly. One of three metropolitan cities in the state. Not as bad as the boonies, but not great as far as mental health services. I never really fit in here, which is part of my problem, but my childhood trauma wrecked me and I didn't have the self-worth necessary to get out when I was younger.