lycheeginger
no alarms and no surprises
- Oct 21, 2023
- 41
i don't have the energy to force out a cohesive post so i apologize if this doesn't make much sense.
when i was 14 i overdosed on benadryl. i tried to puke it up but my motor function was already so impaired that i fell backwards into the bathtub, bashing my head into the wall and fracturing my spine at the base of my neck and the middle of my back.
my dad heard me fall and started trying to break the door down to save me. after about 20 minutes i could stand again but i was so fucked mentally that i couldn't even figure out how to unlock the door and let him in. he pushed the knob out and drove me to the hospital.
as soon as he got me through the doors and sat me down in the waiting room i went into a massive grand mal seizure. i was sedated and placed on a ventilator in the ICU.
the sedation wore off and i woke up once for a couple of seconds. it was violent. bright light and searing pain everywhere in my body. i tried to rip the ventilator out so they put me back under.
i survived. there's a large gap in my memory that encompasses my entire freshman year. i lost all of my friends because i had essentially lobotomized myself and it was obvious at a first glance. maybe the huge dent in the back of my head gave it away?? who knows lol
i genuinely did not understand the full implications of what i had done for a long time. years. i couldn't grasp why my family treated me differently. i didn't know why old classmates would come up and ask "what happened?"
i'm 18 now and i've come to terms with the fact that it's never getting better. i fucked up. i had a shit life to begin with but it's too much to describe.
my mom drank and did drugs while she was pregnant because she had me with a random man and didn't care enough to take a pregnancy test. my dad (who i thought was my biological father) didn't give a shit about me. they both loved my sister. the only example i can give specifically is the fact that she got braces, orthodontic care, the full ride. i had to beg my parents to take me to the dentist for a week after my molar broke in half when i was 11.
when i was 13 everything blew up. my mom got back on meth, went insane, and tried to murder me a handful of times before my dad sucked it up and took us. we left her at a hotel 7 hours away. before we left she watched me overdose on zoloft. i had serotonin syndrome on the ride home so i was puking and hallucinating. my dad didn't care.
when we got home i had to call the hotel to check on her and we thought she was dead for a couple of days. he went and picked her up and gave her the house and then we were homeless together for a while (my sister lived with her boyfriend.) it blew up again because she tried to slit her wrists so they got back together and started doing meth again. she made me put vaseline on her arms when we got home as some kind of punishment.
and then my dad found out that she was cheating so HE tried to kill himself with sleeping pills and i found him on the floor with my mom standing over him and kicking him in the side. i held his hand while he went in and out of consciousness, stayed with my half-sister for a week while he was in the hospital, and then we were homeless together again for a few months.
eventually we got into a broken down trailer and everything was okay for a while until i cracked when i was 14 and started overdosing on benadryl routinely (i learned about it in the psych hospital when i was 13.)
and now i'm here. i just have to act like everything is fine even though i know i'm fucked. i have to maintain contact with my mom because we relied on her for food often when we were homeless. i have to act like my dad wasn't part of it because he's the only person i have.
everything hurts all the time. i was a hardcore alcoholic from 14 to a couple of months ago. 15 or so standard drinks per day. my dad would buy it and we would drink together.
i have nightmares every night about me wandering around with dementia, not understanding why everyone fucking hates me, and being abused by my family. i have severe PTSD and i can't even look at a box of benadryl without having an anxiety attack.
i have visual snow that renders me nearly blind in dim lighting, hallucinations and paranoia, tinnitus that makes me feel like my head is underwater, heart failure, and obviously i'm clinically retarded. i just want it to be over. i want to live but i never had a chance.
i picked up a shitty job about a week ago and i think i might kill myself when my first paycheck comes around.
when i was 14 i overdosed on benadryl. i tried to puke it up but my motor function was already so impaired that i fell backwards into the bathtub, bashing my head into the wall and fracturing my spine at the base of my neck and the middle of my back.
my dad heard me fall and started trying to break the door down to save me. after about 20 minutes i could stand again but i was so fucked mentally that i couldn't even figure out how to unlock the door and let him in. he pushed the knob out and drove me to the hospital.
as soon as he got me through the doors and sat me down in the waiting room i went into a massive grand mal seizure. i was sedated and placed on a ventilator in the ICU.
the sedation wore off and i woke up once for a couple of seconds. it was violent. bright light and searing pain everywhere in my body. i tried to rip the ventilator out so they put me back under.
i survived. there's a large gap in my memory that encompasses my entire freshman year. i lost all of my friends because i had essentially lobotomized myself and it was obvious at a first glance. maybe the huge dent in the back of my head gave it away?? who knows lol
i genuinely did not understand the full implications of what i had done for a long time. years. i couldn't grasp why my family treated me differently. i didn't know why old classmates would come up and ask "what happened?"
i'm 18 now and i've come to terms with the fact that it's never getting better. i fucked up. i had a shit life to begin with but it's too much to describe.
my mom drank and did drugs while she was pregnant because she had me with a random man and didn't care enough to take a pregnancy test. my dad (who i thought was my biological father) didn't give a shit about me. they both loved my sister. the only example i can give specifically is the fact that she got braces, orthodontic care, the full ride. i had to beg my parents to take me to the dentist for a week after my molar broke in half when i was 11.
when i was 13 everything blew up. my mom got back on meth, went insane, and tried to murder me a handful of times before my dad sucked it up and took us. we left her at a hotel 7 hours away. before we left she watched me overdose on zoloft. i had serotonin syndrome on the ride home so i was puking and hallucinating. my dad didn't care.
when we got home i had to call the hotel to check on her and we thought she was dead for a couple of days. he went and picked her up and gave her the house and then we were homeless together for a while (my sister lived with her boyfriend.) it blew up again because she tried to slit her wrists so they got back together and started doing meth again. she made me put vaseline on her arms when we got home as some kind of punishment.
and then my dad found out that she was cheating so HE tried to kill himself with sleeping pills and i found him on the floor with my mom standing over him and kicking him in the side. i held his hand while he went in and out of consciousness, stayed with my half-sister for a week while he was in the hospital, and then we were homeless together again for a few months.
eventually we got into a broken down trailer and everything was okay for a while until i cracked when i was 14 and started overdosing on benadryl routinely (i learned about it in the psych hospital when i was 13.)
and now i'm here. i just have to act like everything is fine even though i know i'm fucked. i have to maintain contact with my mom because we relied on her for food often when we were homeless. i have to act like my dad wasn't part of it because he's the only person i have.
everything hurts all the time. i was a hardcore alcoholic from 14 to a couple of months ago. 15 or so standard drinks per day. my dad would buy it and we would drink together.
i have nightmares every night about me wandering around with dementia, not understanding why everyone fucking hates me, and being abused by my family. i have severe PTSD and i can't even look at a box of benadryl without having an anxiety attack.
i have visual snow that renders me nearly blind in dim lighting, hallucinations and paranoia, tinnitus that makes me feel like my head is underwater, heart failure, and obviously i'm clinically retarded. i just want it to be over. i want to live but i never had a chance.
i picked up a shitty job about a week ago and i think i might kill myself when my first paycheck comes around.
