Venting I wish I deserved to exist

[Cherry_BB]

I've learned how much I am worth from the pain I cause people by simply existing. my mother reminded me throughout my childhood that the only thing stopping her from shooting herself was the fact that I would be too damn lazy to clean up the blood. she told me how worthless she was, and how she suffered through life because she had me. me existing forced her to suffer through hell. I want to CTB as a gift to her, to show her that I love her for practically torturing herself because of me. I want to CTB to pay her back for all her suffering and for everything I've done to hurt others. I don't deserve to be happy, nor do I deserve to live when I have singlehandedly caused others to suffer. I want someone to shoot me in the head. I want to get caught in a back alley and be beaten to death for my wrong doings. I want to be given the punishment that I deserve. maybe then I can be worthy of life. Or maybe I could be worthy of peace in death. I just want to repay whomever I hurt so I can leave this earth and give my loved ones Relief from the pain I cause them.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what your mother said to you and I would not blame you if you hate her or if you don't forgive her Sometimes (maybe all the time) we feel like we deserve the things we get. Frankly maybe sometimes we actually do deserve them. I'm not gonna pretend like that isn't the case, life isn't black and white. I also won't pretend like I know you, I don't. Don't wanna put words in your mouth or say something insensitive.

But honestly? The worst thing you can do is beat yourself over it. The past is the past. Maybe you can't really move on from it but you can take steps each day to improve little by little. You can reflect on your actions, reflect on the actions of others. Is what they said hurtful? Do you want to confront them? I can't answer these questions, and I don't want to sound rude but really when it comes down to it you have to answer these questions yourself. Not by yourself of course maybe but perhaps when you have alone time you can reflect on these things.

People can say really hurtful things and they impact us in ways we never thought possible. I myself struggled with this, frankly I still struggle with this. But I personally stand by the fact that what she said to you is wrong. You didn't do anything wrong.

And even if you did do terrible things you regret them. You regret your actions to the point of suicide. Nobody deserves that. And you know the funny thing about life is people will make you feel bad only for you to find out that you never did anything wrong in the first place. I wish I could pick an example from my life but I don't wanna make this about me and trauma dump.

I guess what I'm trying to say is who can say who is really worthy of life? Who can really define what morality is? And who can say who does and doesn't deserve to be happy? I think frankly society is too crazy about people who make mistakes. You do one little thing wrong and you're hated for life. You scream by mistake then everyone hates you. But how could you possibly have known? People just throw you into situations and want you to respond absolutely perfectly in life without working on your mental health?

And then the kick of it is if you're a terrible person they never give you a chance to improve, to become better. Like, life has soooooooooo many rules and somehow you're just supposed to know them?? And when do make the effort to improve they still hate you for it. It's insane honestly.

Anyways, whatever is happening in your life forgive yourself. You couldn't possibly have known and honestly you didn't even do anything wrong.

Maybe one day you'll be in college and have your degree or you'll work at a job you love. O hell maybe you will buy that shotgun or that rope and end it. But hopefully one day you'll look back all this and realize how much better your life is.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sorry, but your mother sounds the most to blame in all this. She chose to bring you into this world for a start. I think it's kind of unforgiveable to then turn around and blame you for being such a burden. It's no wonder you feel so little self worth. Honestly, I think it would be better if you could just get away from her but, I don't know how feasible that is for you.

I'm so sorry you went through this. Honestly, whatever it was you did. However badly you think you behaved, it sounds to me like your upbringing very likely made you that way. I wish you could forgive yourself.

You don't have to hate your mother but it's clear she had/ has her own issues going on. Issues that have really badly affected your life and that you're not responsible for.

Everyone deserves to live though- surely? Just as a theory- look at what we get when we decide that some people aren't worthy of life- genocide, homicide. As soon as we're born, we are protected (or should be) by rights.