i wish i ctb at a younger age

[mashka9]

I'm currently 18 (in high school) and i keep wishing i had ctb when i was still in middle school. a few years ago, a guy at the school i went to ctb. he was bullied and even mentioned that in his note, yet everyone kept talking about how he was just "stressed because of finals" and how the "school system is terrible for young people!". i attempted when i was 14 and failed (obv as i'm writing this), but it never had anything to do w school. i fear that if i ctb before graduation, no matter what i do, people will blame it on school. i just wish this country could do something about its mental health crisis and realize that people are dying.
i don't want to make a statement with my death, but it still feels disgusting knowing i'll never be understood. i've been feeling this way since i was 12/13. for so many years. if i would've gotten the help i needed as a preteen, i don't think it would've gotten to this point.
i'm just praying, that when i finally get to rest, hopefully soon, at least some of those around me will understand the years of suffering i went through.

 

[tiredangelgirl]

do you think your reasons for wanting to ctb are things that are situational and will change? or mental health related?


I remember being in hs and feeling the same way. i'm back on this site now but I had a good 6-7 years of happiness. I met my bf, got a cute apartment, had lots of fun experiences in my early 20s and made great friends. i'm even pretty happy with my career and found a job I love. if you feel your reasons to ctb are things that could change, I would give it some time because your life will change A LOT in unexpected ways

 

[mashka9]

do you think your reasons for wanting to ctb are things that are situational and will change? or mental health related?


I remember being in hs and feeling the same way. i'm back on this site now but I had a good 6-7 years of happiness. I met my bf, got a cute apartment, had lots of fun experiences in my early 20s and made great friends. i'm even pretty happy with my career and found a job I love. if you feel your reasons to ctb are things that could change, I would give it some time because your life will change A LOT in unexpected ways

nothing really makes me happy anymore. I've moved countries, got accepted to my dream school. i've been suicidal since i was in elementary school. i highly doubt it'll get better for me personally.

 

[mushroommamma]

nothing really makes me happy anymore. I've moved countries, got accepted to my dream school. i've been suicidal since i was in elementary school. i highly doubt it'll get better for me personally.

I feel this. I felt like ctb as early as elementary school as well. Always told myself it'd get better or it was all in my head; went through all of the MH treatment possible over the last 20+ years and it's always just a temporary fake numbness until the real numbness that's always existed shows back up. It makes me wish I too had found my ride way before now.

 

[haibane]

I definitly feel u, ctb earlier would be so great, like in middle school or even in elementary school. But sadly i was too scared at the time to so it. I hope u will find peace

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable wishing for that, I also wished I left at a much earlier date as it would had prevented all this unnecessary suffering but of course I wish I never existed in the first place.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

nothing really makes me happy anymore. I've moved countries, got accepted to my dream school. i've been suicidal since i was in elementary school. i highly doubt it'll get better for me personally.

Have you told your parents at all about how your feelings? I have the impression the impression they're not too supportive of your mental health. Do you remember what spurred your attempt at 14? Since this school is your dream school, university must be appealing to you in some way. Do you think that new chapter could make things better at all? It is hard to judge whether the totality of life is worth living just based on what you experienced as s child.