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crippled with grief
- Nov 8, 2021
- 335
This will sound incredibly bitter and angry but these words play out in my head every second of every day hoping that I can talk to you and express this frustration at what I ultimately feel let down by and I just need you to hear it, though I doubt you will even read it. You might ask what the point is but the only time I have spoke to you since you broke up with me you uttered the words that said you feel you have nothing to regret and the thought that you don't even understand how you hurt me is like rubbing salt into the wounds. I have constantly apologised for all the fucked things I've done but I've only got at best the shit "I'm sorry you felt that way" apology.
Firstly, the way you acted as though our relationship was never that serious, like it was never that important. I get in the end you were not in love with me but I was and it hurts. It is ok that you did not like me but to lovebomb someone for a year when you are not totally for them is just so wrong. Yes, you might not have realised. Yes the excuse of going to an all-girls might be true. But ultimately it is your responsibility to work that out before you reap the rewards of being in a relationship because that is so incredibly selfish. Or at the very least take things slow and don't move things to the next level until you are certain this person is for you. I remember telling you very early on these exact words that if you had the ick for me I would rather you let me know rather than take me for a ride because the longer it goes on the more it hurts. The things we did together, the things you said to me, the way you wanted to be introduced to my family, the way you could not go a day at home without calling me, does not match the energy of how you ultimately gave up on me the first second you felt being in a relationship was inconvenient to you, the first second it was hard or "unnatural" to be with me. The way you did not even want to try. And this is what annoys me. You say things like "we just didn't work out" like it is this superstructure weighing down on you preventing you from being with me despite your desire otherwise. This is not true. You either want it to work or you don't and you didn't. You did not want to be with me. Everyone is and always will be busy, this part of your life won't even come close to the hectic lifestyle of balancing work and children. And guess what relationships are hard. They don't always feel "natural" or "easy-going" but you push through the hard parts because you love that person and want to be with them. Do you think it was so "natural" to invite my mum, dad, sister, brother out to dinner with you? No, it was nerve-wracking but it is still I thing I wanted to do because I loved you and it was a proud, rewarding experience. So you have got to understand how I would feel very unloved looking back at our relationship when you simply broke up because "it wasn't what you needed at the time". Like I am an inconvenience to you, like I am no longer a benefit for you. I was supposedly a person you loved not just a thing you did or didn't need at a time of your pleasing.
Secondly, the numerous ways your actions and words attacked me as a person and made me feel utterly shit about myself. Particularly in comparing me to others like this is a normal thing to do. What has took me some months to realise is that one of the central reasons why my mental health deteriorated was because I felt undervalued and under-confident about myself. When I was a teen I got really good at avoiding comparing myself to others for the sake of my mental health by focusing on the mantra "you are your own worst critic" but when the person you care about the most starts comparing you to others it is so incredibly hard to believe that mantra is true about the world. The way you did the awfully self-centred thing of putting me and another guy to one side and asked which one is the boyfriend and which one was the friend, weighing us up like which phone to buy. The way you told me how you wanted to make guy friends to see whether "they were like that" in relation to the way I was in regards to my social expression and social life. The way when I expressed my anxieties in this regard you said the quotes "you are an adult" and "you need to mature" made me further feel like I was a failure. All the snide remarks in the lead up to going on a break with me like the time I remember being in the living room with ****** and you just coming into the house and having not made eye contact at or communicated with anyone yet jumped into a conversation ****** was having with me about how "I would make a good king" you said "he would actually have to talk to people for that". Projecting my insecurities on to me as reasons why we were then suddenly more incompatible because you had now "become more sociable" really did make me feel shit about myself. The truth is you had learnt it was possible for you to find someone you deemed better than me and wanted a way out. You no longer felt as though you had to settle for me – a person you ultimately weren't that into. And this makes me remember about that one, only time I've ever been mad at you to the point where I wanted to just go to bed. Do you remember? In the first few weeks when I got mad because you basically implied I was a fuck-boy who was only with you because of the inconvenience of covid-lockdowns, saying how once everything is back open I could go find someone else? What I realise now about that conversation is that it was projection, wasn't it? It was an insecurity of yours at the time because deep down you knew that was something you could do. That it was the case for you that I will be ok for now. And the crazy thing is I still fucking love you to bits and would do anything to be back with you.
Please have a chat with me. The reason I go insane is because without being able to speak I feel like I am talking to a brick wall and then I inevitably circle between these thoughts above and end up desperately telling myself to believe it isn't true, which then leaves me in the unknown again, which then makes me search for answers again which only ever brings me back to the above again. And so on for 4 months straight. It drains my energy, it makes me sleep most of the day. I don't leave my room, I barely shower etc. etc.
Do me a favour and please let us both check in on each other. I do hope you actually read this.
Firstly, the way you acted as though our relationship was never that serious, like it was never that important. I get in the end you were not in love with me but I was and it hurts. It is ok that you did not like me but to lovebomb someone for a year when you are not totally for them is just so wrong. Yes, you might not have realised. Yes the excuse of going to an all-girls might be true. But ultimately it is your responsibility to work that out before you reap the rewards of being in a relationship because that is so incredibly selfish. Or at the very least take things slow and don't move things to the next level until you are certain this person is for you. I remember telling you very early on these exact words that if you had the ick for me I would rather you let me know rather than take me for a ride because the longer it goes on the more it hurts. The things we did together, the things you said to me, the way you wanted to be introduced to my family, the way you could not go a day at home without calling me, does not match the energy of how you ultimately gave up on me the first second you felt being in a relationship was inconvenient to you, the first second it was hard or "unnatural" to be with me. The way you did not even want to try. And this is what annoys me. You say things like "we just didn't work out" like it is this superstructure weighing down on you preventing you from being with me despite your desire otherwise. This is not true. You either want it to work or you don't and you didn't. You did not want to be with me. Everyone is and always will be busy, this part of your life won't even come close to the hectic lifestyle of balancing work and children. And guess what relationships are hard. They don't always feel "natural" or "easy-going" but you push through the hard parts because you love that person and want to be with them. Do you think it was so "natural" to invite my mum, dad, sister, brother out to dinner with you? No, it was nerve-wracking but it is still I thing I wanted to do because I loved you and it was a proud, rewarding experience. So you have got to understand how I would feel very unloved looking back at our relationship when you simply broke up because "it wasn't what you needed at the time". Like I am an inconvenience to you, like I am no longer a benefit for you. I was supposedly a person you loved not just a thing you did or didn't need at a time of your pleasing.
Secondly, the numerous ways your actions and words attacked me as a person and made me feel utterly shit about myself. Particularly in comparing me to others like this is a normal thing to do. What has took me some months to realise is that one of the central reasons why my mental health deteriorated was because I felt undervalued and under-confident about myself. When I was a teen I got really good at avoiding comparing myself to others for the sake of my mental health by focusing on the mantra "you are your own worst critic" but when the person you care about the most starts comparing you to others it is so incredibly hard to believe that mantra is true about the world. The way you did the awfully self-centred thing of putting me and another guy to one side and asked which one is the boyfriend and which one was the friend, weighing us up like which phone to buy. The way you told me how you wanted to make guy friends to see whether "they were like that" in relation to the way I was in regards to my social expression and social life. The way when I expressed my anxieties in this regard you said the quotes "you are an adult" and "you need to mature" made me further feel like I was a failure. All the snide remarks in the lead up to going on a break with me like the time I remember being in the living room with ****** and you just coming into the house and having not made eye contact at or communicated with anyone yet jumped into a conversation ****** was having with me about how "I would make a good king" you said "he would actually have to talk to people for that". Projecting my insecurities on to me as reasons why we were then suddenly more incompatible because you had now "become more sociable" really did make me feel shit about myself. The truth is you had learnt it was possible for you to find someone you deemed better than me and wanted a way out. You no longer felt as though you had to settle for me – a person you ultimately weren't that into. And this makes me remember about that one, only time I've ever been mad at you to the point where I wanted to just go to bed. Do you remember? In the first few weeks when I got mad because you basically implied I was a fuck-boy who was only with you because of the inconvenience of covid-lockdowns, saying how once everything is back open I could go find someone else? What I realise now about that conversation is that it was projection, wasn't it? It was an insecurity of yours at the time because deep down you knew that was something you could do. That it was the case for you that I will be ok for now. And the crazy thing is I still fucking love you to bits and would do anything to be back with you.
Please have a chat with me. The reason I go insane is because without being able to speak I feel like I am talking to a brick wall and then I inevitably circle between these thoughts above and end up desperately telling myself to believe it isn't true, which then leaves me in the unknown again, which then makes me search for answers again which only ever brings me back to the above again. And so on for 4 months straight. It drains my energy, it makes me sleep most of the day. I don't leave my room, I barely shower etc. etc.
Do me a favour and please let us both check in on each other. I do hope you actually read this.
