Venting I wish I could finally die

[m1dn1ghtmyst3ry]

Today was a good day, until the end of the day and my mom comes home and needs something to bitch about. She started yelling at everyone saying one of us (me or my sibling) got into some of her shit or something when we never did and blaming everything on us about it. She gets like this everyday. I already planned for this to be my ctb date, I really wanted to do it do today, since I had a good day also plus this happening I want to ctb more than I did when I woke up but I can't overcome SI or the anxiety and actually do it. I even walked up to the river where I live and desired to ctb there but left. I took some random expired pills that my dad had as well a couple days ago and nothing happened. No vomiting or anything. It seems like I only have the courage to take pills, I even inhaled household chemicals but nothing ever kills me. I don't really know what this post is, I'm just tired of everything in my life being shit I guess and needed to vent about different things all at once.

 

[danzk]

I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm also in a similar situation and it seems like death never comes, living like this isn't good for anyone, I hope one day we can rest from all this shit.

 

[m1dn1ghtmyst3ry]

I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm also in a similar situation and it seems like death never comes, living like this isn't good for anyone, I hope one day we can rest from all this shit.

I hope so as well.

 

[dinosavr]

Maybe it's because deep down you know it won't kill you. No matter what you think you think, your mind subconsciously wants to finally get to be loved and cared by your own mother, who was supposed to love you the most since you were born and in reality she just continues to fail. Of course that's just what came to my mind, I don't know you and your family so I'm sorry if I misjudged you.
I'd suggest you look for some more reliable methods. But maybe before that, do you have any chance to cut her off, move out and try to find something better for yourself? After all, what makes SI way more acceptable is closure and making sure you've experienced everything you wanted to experience before dying. Including genuine love :(

 

[m1dn1ghtmyst3ry]

Maybe it's because deep down you know it won't kill you. No matter what you think you think, your mind subconsciously wants to finally get to be loved and cared by your own mother, who was supposed to love you the most since you were born and in reality she just continues to fail. Of course that's just what came to my mind, I don't know you and your family so I'm sorry if I misjudged you.
I'd suggest you look for some more reliable methods. But maybe before that, do you have any chance to cut her off, move out and try to find something better for yourself? After all, what makes SI way more acceptable is closure and making sure you've experienced everything you wanted to experience before dying. Including genuine love :(

As of now I don't have any way to cut her off or move out, I have a job but it doesn't pay enough for an apartment. I plan on actually moving out with my sibling, possibly their friend as well since they also have family issues I think. It's also hard thinking of cutting my mom off completely, there's more to her story than what a single conversation can tell about and I know the things she does is not entirely her own fault, but from her own traumatic experiences as well and other factors. Other than that, I am actively researching about methods on here and other forums that I can find that openly is talking about it.