For me it's like a disability and is going to be the reason I ctb. People just say stuff like "just move on", "accept it", "let go", "You have to live for yourself" etc when in my case abandonment is the most painful thing I've ever experienced (I've even lost a parent). More so painful when it's a person who just ghosts without even offering an explanation, which I think is harmful, disrespectful and just childish really. My most recent experience of feeling abandoned was distress like I've never experience before. I became completely disabled cognitively and then my whole ego completely died on me because of how traumatic it was. The ego death was freeing and it was like getting a taste of what it must be like to live having had no trauma and a balanced healthy childhood. But sadly my ego came back. I'm tired of realising that people don't care about me after they told me they do, that they apparently love me, but then proceed to piss and dump all over me.
Deleted member 18655
Enlightened
- Jun 4, 2020
- 1,422
I can relate so so well. Especially today. Mine could be a disability; it's certainly a liability. I was thinking today about someone who, almost a year ago now, on my birthday, told me almost shouting so I'd listen and believe, "I love you very much and I haven't abandonned you!" More foolish words were never spoken to a bigger fool. I fell for it (he meant it fwiw) and held on to those words like the most precious gift I'd ever been given. And it was. But it vanished at Lockdown and I've felt more abandonned and more alone and much more foolish since. It triggered PTSD and I've been a mess ever since.
I wish I never would have heard those words or beleived them. They hurt to hear them after wanting to hear them all my life. And it hurt more than from anyone in my life when he dropped me. I can't shake it and can't accept it, or move on or whatever else I've been told. I think it's finally the last straw. So that good came of it. But I'm a shell of a person now in a few short months from a few little words.
I wish I never would have heard those words or beleived them. They hurt to hear them after wanting to hear them all my life. And it hurt more than from anyone in my life when he dropped me. I can't shake it and can't accept it, or move on or whatever else I've been told. I think it's finally the last straw. So that good came of it. But I'm a shell of a person now in a few short months from a few little words.
I'm sorry what you're going through. Abandonment ptsd is horrible to live with. I also hate when people say stuff like "time will heal" because for me it doesn't. It is full on grieving.
BPD Barbie
Visionary
- Dec 1, 2019
- 2,361
I have an incredible fear of abandomnet thanks to having BPD. Medication has helped me get to the point where its manageable though and doesn't impact me as much as it used to. Sorry to see people struggling with this feeling, it's horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's like a constant open wound. Sending love and hugs ❤
Deleted member 18655
Enlightened
- Jun 4, 2020
- 1,422
I wish neither of us had to go through this. Time just allows us to replay everything, question everything and get trapped in a loop of "why's" and we'll never have the answers. I can't stand it. I worked very hard to accept that someone would love me and not abandon me and the crash hit hard.
Nevermind. If I keep re-hashing I won't be able to do anything else.
@BPD Barbie I'm glad you found something that worked for you. I won't touch any meds for specific reasons but meds had never worked on PTSD for me anyways.
