Venting I will probably never have the life that I want, and there’s nothing I can *realistically* do about it

[リンさん]

I've been thinking about suicide a lot. Particularly about moving my due date closer than I initially planned. I thought that maybe I'd do it in 15, or 10 years from now. Maybe more.

Either way, it was the kind of thought that I constantly kept at the back of my head for a while. I wasn't too bothered by it. I knew everything I needed to go through with it.

But now, the more time passes, the more it starts to weigh on me. The futility of it all. My state as of now and what I can realistically get out of life.

I'm mentally disabled. I look completely "normal" on the outside. I think I'd be considered average-to-good looking woman. But on the inside, there's a complete and utter mess.

I can't get myself to care for my basic needs. I go hungry because I can't cook more than once a day, and food that I cook is extremely simple (and barely nutritious). I can't keep up with cleaning. It's hard to communicate with people and get my work done on time.

I'm thankful to have my mom as my caregiver. I wouldn't be here without her. Literally, I owe her so much and constantly feel like I'm dragging her down. But I can't function otherwise, and I'm too scared to navigate the world on my own - I need help with so many things.

I don't have friends, because I (again) am terrible at communication, as well as not being able to understand social roles and appropriate dynamics between friends. I cut people off because I start feeling unstable. I have heaps of trauma that make it near impossible to be "normal" in romantic relrelationships. I've done a ton of introspection and I am no longer abusive, but it takes an enormous toll on me not to fall back into those patterns. I hate this about myself. I want to love and be loved. I wish it was as simple as that.

With all of that in mind, I started realizing that grandiose plans that I had for myself will most likely never be fulfilled. I may never be able to travel. I may never move into my own place. I may never see the day I finally fall in love with someone. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to earn a good, livable income.

This makes me feel sad and desperate. Because no matter how hard I try, I will need to work 5 times harder than a "normal" person just to achieve something people consider normal - a rite of passage of sorts in an adult life. I'm a young adult, but I feel like a kid.

I still find my life bearable at best. I can go on for a while, so I will. But I won't lie and say that I'm not miserable, and it's not even that bad from an outsider's perspective. I just want to be happy, that's it. I want to be normal and have normal people things.

I'm giving myself at least two years from now. I hope it can turn for the better - and I will try to do what I can. If it fails, I can always pull the plug.

Thanks for reading this word vomit of my thoughts and feelings lol. I'm not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent.

 

[rosenwasser]

I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way. I guess for a long time I was very hopeful that I would find my place in life, that I would have some purpose or maybe even have a relationship. It's not possible. I live alone but probably wouldn't if I could have a caretaker. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't make social connections. I'm in my mid-twenties now and it does seem like staying for much longer is futile, just not really worth my time.

 

[bini]

Reading this is like I'm looking at mirror. I feel the exact same way. The thought of not "making it" scares the fuck out of me.

I believe in you. One step at a time. Two years is a lot of time to turn things around.

 

[rosenwasser]

Reading this is like I'm looking at mirror. I feel the exact same way. The thought of not "making it" scares the fuck out of me.

I believe in you. One step at a time. Two years is a lot of time to turn things around.

Same. I convinced myself that I will make it until the end of my studies. Maybe I can find a quiet autism-friendly job in research and have a relatively normal life. But if that doesn't work out there really isn't much left for me. I'll try my best until then.