Venting I will never be normal

[SanguineShark]

My shit ton of mental illness and trauma causes extreme insecurity which cause me to act like a fucked up person, I'm not normal and my personality disorder has no cure so that's just how my brain is wired. Most of my problems have to do with issues with the amygdala, part of the brain responsible for emotional processes. My years of trauma, esp childhood trauma, caused me to grow into an insecure person who's always in a state of fear, I never feel safe with anyone, everyone always hurts me, both on purpose and on accident. I stir up shit and dramatize every time my brain decides I'm in danger, when most of the time I'm not and no one means any harm. I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself, I ruin relationships and act like a self-pitying masochist. I'm just a walking mistake, a worthless thing that shouldn't even be considered human. All I can do is cry and wallow in my misery, I should be dead.

 

[m0e]

My shit ton of mental illness and trauma causes extreme insecurity which cause me to act like a fucked up person, I'm not normal and my personality disorder has no cure so that's just how my brain is wired. Most of my problems have to do with issues with the amygdala, part of the brain responsible for emotional processes. My years of trauma, esp childhood trauma, caused me to grow into an insecure person who's always in a state of fear, I never feel safe with anyone, everyone always hurts me, both on purpose and on accident. I stir up shit and dramatize every time my brain decides I'm in danger, when most of the time I'm not and no one means any harm. I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself, I ruin relationships and act like a self-pitying masochist. I'm just a walking mistake, a worthless thing that shouldn't even be considered human. All I can do is cry and wallow in my misery, I should be dead.

who do you condemn for being in this state?
.
.
.
for me hating the world isnt enough my brain is litrally my worst enemy rn i cant sit three mins straight with it so i always drug it with tons and tons of dopamine rushes idgaf if am feeling shitty afterwards it will be better than me sitting with my brain

 

[tiger b]

That's a lot to deal with.

I hear your words.

'should' is the only thing I question. There are no 'shoulds,' beyond what you decide, and what you truly decide I wouldn't question.

What I do know already is that you care. You see a lot of attack around you, and anyone would respond in a defensive way to that. Feeling attacked so much won't help brain chemistry. You also are superb at analysis...yet you are merciless to yourself.

You're a kind, good soul who is dealing with a lot. What you're dealing with is the mistake.

I wish you peace, especially from the feelings of attack. I'm not you but I do relate in my own way.

 

[Raindancer]

I too wish you peace. I do not have the same issues, but I have lived in fear and that heightened state and for me at least it's one of the worst things I experience. Trying to accept what is wrong with me has also been one the hardest. I do get fleeting moments where I can accept this is now who I am and I literally cannot do anything to change it. But that is far and few.

I read your thread about your friend saying they were going to CTB. You are a good friend, caring person and I wish you could see in yourself what I see and others here. I feel you bared a lot of your soul in that thread and you are a really good, decent caring human being. I wish you the grace to give that kindness to yourself. I know way easier said than done. But after reading that thread, you are the friend I would want in my corner.

 

[SanguineShark]

That's a lot to deal with.

I hear your words.

'should' is the only thing I question. There are no 'shoulds,' beyond what you decide, and what you truly decide I wouldn't question.

What I do know already is that you care. You see a lot of attack around you, and anyone would respond in a defensive way to that. Feeling attacked so much won't help brain chemistry. You also are superb at analysis...yet you are merciless to yourself.

You're a kind, good soul who is dealing with a lot. What you're dealing with is the mistake.

I wish you peace, especially from the feelings of attack. I'm not you but I do relate in my own way.

Thanks
I just don't think I deserve mercy, I could lead a better life I really tried, but I just don't try anymore, I'm pathetic
What I deal with and have dealt with to make me this way isn't an excuse, it's just an explanation
Of course I would never say this to anyone else, I say it to myself because I hate myself

I do understand and agree that I am kind, I build my worth by sacrificing myself for others, which is not a healthy thing to base your worth with, but It's impossible to stop
I'm aware of my every issue and what isn't a good thing to do, but I'm powerless to stop it, it is as torturous as it sounds, it's one of the reasons why I want to kill myself

 

[tiger b]

It's a venting thread and I am pro-choice. I am limited in how I can respond.

'Of course I would never say this to anyone else, I say it to myself because I hate myself'

You see it. What you do with that fact is up to you.

Who says you have to stop? You can possibly seek to modify, mitigate. Possibly.

I like listening to you. Going to sound pithy, but I wish more people were like you in this world. I think it would be a much better place. And if you saw yourself in another person, maybe you would feel less self hate.

I wish you peace and clarity, and always will.

 

[SanguineShark]

I read your thread about your friend saying they were going to CTB. You are a good friend, caring person and I wish you could see in yourself what I see and others here. I feel you bared a lot of your soul in that thread and you are a really good, decent caring human being. I wish you the grace to give that kindness to yourself. I know way easier said than done. But after reading that thread, you are the friend I would want in my corner.

Thank you, a lot, it may be hard for me to get this through my thick skull as my brain can't fathom that I deserve complements, but it still does mean a lot and feels nice to be appreciated

I always strive to make people I care about feel loved and appreciated, I always do anything they ask of me, I want them to truly shine and live the best lives they can
Of course I do these things because I think we as a society should be nicer to each other and support each other, but also it's because I feel like that's all I'm good for.
I don't feel like I deserve love, I feel like I'm always a burden, every time I cause a misunderstanding or a single negative emotion in someone I calculate how probable it is that someone will abandon me because of that. I try to overcompensate that by doing anything I can to help, make someone feel good or happy. The moment I stop "giving" to other people, I will stop being worth to keep around, which will lead me to be alone.
And people who keep me around despite me being a crazy emotional mess deserve the most of my love.

You see it. What you do with that fact is up to you.

I'm trying out therapy but I keep getting worse so far, I have some new PTSD this year so I'm in an extra defense mode

 

[hi-okbye]

i'm sorry you have to go throgh that, you never asked for it. i wish these disorders had actual cures. i guess we can't get that though :/

 

[SanguineShark]

I like listening to you. Going to sound pithy, but I wish more people were like you in this world. I think it would be a much better place. And if you saw yourself in another person, maybe you would feel less self hate.

Thank you <3
For once I will accept the complement instead of explaining why I don't deserve it
That friend who tried to CTB is a lot like me and understands me the most, too bad both of us are suicidal because of our issues

i'm sorry you have to go throgh that, you never asked for it. i wish these disorders had actual cures. i guess we can't get that though :/

Thank you for your kind words, BPD is basically just a personality created around traumatic experiences, I feel empty inside and most of my personality is just defensive trauma reactions strung together
And I'm expected to heal all of it and change to be normal
That's why 10% of people with BPD commit suicide

 

[Raindancer]

Thank you, a lot, it may be hard for me to get this through my thick skull as my brain can't fathom that I deserve complements, but it still does mean a lot and feels nice to be appreciated

I always strive to make people I care about feel loved and appreciated, I always do anything they ask of me, I want them to truly shine and live the best lives they can
Of course I do these things because I think we as a society should be nicer to each other and support each other, but also it's because I feel like that's all I'm good for.
I don't feel like I deserve love, I feel like I'm always a burden, every time I cause a misunderstanding or a single negative emotion in someone I calculate how probable it is that someone will abandon me because of that. I try to overcompensate that by doing anything I can to help, make someone feel good or happy. The moment I stop "giving" to other people, I will stop being worth to keep around, which will lead me to be alone.
And people who keep me around despite me being a crazy emotional mess deserve the most of my love.

It really breaks my heart to hear this. I totally relate to the feeling that once you don't have someone to take care of or care for that you then are done. It makes me so angry that the horrible things done to us when little affect our brains for the rest of our lives and we then spend our lives trying to fix something that never should have been broken in the first place.

You do deserve love and shame on those who taught you differently. Fear of abandonment is an awful taskmaster. I've spent so many nights asking what's wrong with me, why am I not good enough. I don't know why loving ourselves is so hard, especially after cognitively being able to recognize we did not deserve what happened. I guess if I had the answer I wouldn't be here.

 

[SanguineShark]

I like listening to you. Going to sound pithy, but I wish more people were like you in this world. I think it would be a much better place. And if you saw yourself in another person, maybe you would feel less self hate.

also thank you again for this, I will try to remember it, it's a very kind thing to say to someone

 

[tiger b]

Once there was an intelligent, kind man who liked thinking. He had a big garden and often he sat in it and thought.

He liked his own thoughts and he was often occupied in them. They were comforting and familiar. When he came out of them, he noticed the garden was becoming more unkempt.

There were good things about the garden, but it would never be paradise. Some things could be done but the lawn wasn't level, the birdbath was chipped and the gnome just wasn't beach-body ready.

The man found this dispiriting. He went to get the mower but it wasn't cutting well. The shears were blunt. In the end, he cursed his luck, and sat back down on the bench to return to his thoughts.

Presently he looked around. The garden seemed smaller, weeds were appearing everywhere and the thorn bushes were almost upon him. There was so much to do, but it felt it was almost beyond hope.

"What am I to do" said the man. "Anyone can see with any intelligence that it's almost out of my control. My tools are almost useless and I almost am hopeless."

The man almost did something.

He thought some more.

You can predict the end.

Thanks for listening to Tiger's bedtime story, and thanks for helping me. Yes, you have helped me. Goodnight, best wishes

also thank you again for this, I will try to remember it, it's a very kind thing to say to someone

I don't give compliments when they're not warranted. I think you'd see through kindness if it wasn't meant or grounded in anything.

 

[SanguineShark]

It really breaks my heart to hear this. I totally relate to the feeling that once you don't have someone to take care of or care for that you then are done. It makes me so angry that the horrible things done to us when little affect our brains for the rest of our lives and we then spend our lives trying to fix something that never should have been broken in the first place.

You do deserve love and shame on those who taught you differently. Fear of abandonment is an awful taskmaster. I've spent so many nights asking what's wrong with me, why am I not good enough. I don't know why loving ourselves is so hard, especially after cognitively being able to recognize we did not deserve what happened. I guess if I had the answer I wouldn't be here.

Thank you, and I'm so sorry to hear how much you struggle as well
I think the ability to recognize we deserve love is the worst part, at least for me.
I know I'm a victim of abuse, I imagine myself as a child and remember what I had to go through and how much I was hurt, and there's no bias possible to be there because I was a child. Children are innocent, there's nothing I could have done do deserve being so neglected by my parents, I'm a victim of circumstance, born into a broken family who really shouldn't have a child. I know all of that, I know that's what caused me to grow up feeling broken, empty and worthless... but I still hate myself. But come to think about it, there is some logic in it, when I grew up treated like a burden, it's only natural I grow to internalize it.
The saddest part is that whatever my family has done to hurt me, all the childhood trauma, all the bullying.. the worst abuser I ever had to live with, and the worst abuse I had to endure, is the one I do to myself.

You can predict the end.

I guess he could either give up or give his 200% into fixing the garden as much as he could
I often do feel like I'm put in such a scenario
I think of it as being on top of a huge fence, and you can either fall to the left or right and it's not up to you. So I can either get suicidal or gain the urge to fix things to be better... Sadly I usually fall to the suicidal part, I used to have energy to give my everything to fix myself, but at some point you lose hope, even if you situation isn't doomed.

Thanks for listening to Tiger's bedtime story, and thanks for helping me. Yes, you have helped me. Goodnight, best wishes

I'm glad I could help, whatever way it was :)

 

[Raindancer]

Thank you, and I'm so sorry to hear how much you struggle as well
I think the ability to recognize we deserve love is the worst part, at least for me.
I know I'm a victim of abuse, I imagine myself as a child and remember what I had to go through and how much I was hurt, and there's no bias possible to be there because I was a child. Children are innocent, there's nothing I could have done do deserve being so neglected by my parents, I'm a victim of circumstance, born into a broken family who really shouldn't have a child. I know all of that, I know that's what caused me to grow up feeling broken, empty and worthless... but I still hate myself. But come to think about it, there is some logic in it, when I grew up treated like a burden, it's only natural I grow to internalize it.
The saddest part is that whatever my family has done to hurt me, all the childhood trauma, all the bullying.. the worst abuser I ever had to live with, and the worst abuse I had to endure, is the one I do to myself.

I am so very sorry you experienced that. My mother probably never should have had children either. I know my father made her get her tubes tied after me so there could be no more children. But it's just a continuation of the cycle, she was a victim herself as a child and so it goes. Thank God I cannot have children.

Isn't that the truth, we tend to abuse ourselves way more than anyone does. I tried for 7 years to destroy myself. Way worse than what I experience as a child.

 

[SanguineShark]

I am so very sorry you experienced that. My mother probably never should have had children either. I know my father made her get her tubes tied after me so there could be no more children. But it's just a continuation of the cycle, she was a victim herself as a child and so it goes. Thank God I cannot have children.

Isn't that the truth, we tend to abuse ourselves way more than anyone does. I tried for 7 years to destroy myself. Way worse than what I experience as a child.

I understand why some people here are so anti-birth and think we should stop having children... sadly for example my mother didn't know and still doesn't think that having me was a mistake.. She does love me in her own way, she wouldn't want me to be gone so she can't imagine a scenario where I wasn't born.. But I can, and I can see what issues were present in my family that caused me to have all this trauma, it feels unfair to create a person in an environment where they would have to endure such trauma. I guess I don't get my father the most, he already has children from a previous marriage and then also my older sibling. My parents got divorced when I was an infant. He never paid much attention to me, never put effort to know me as a person or spend time with me, he was basically forced to come to my birthdays by my mother (I used to cry as a kid bc of that), and when he would show up, he'd insult me and point out my flaws.. His logic was that he was helping me but "I took it wrong", but it's just his narcissism causing him to never be able to admit that he made a mistake or especially, that he's not a victim. I think he should win an award bc like 2 years ago he called me, when I'm already an adult, and explained to me that it's my fault he didn't spend time with me when I was a kid because I'd play instead of spending time with him.. How can someone's thought process be so fucked up? Blaming your child for neglecting them? I'm ashamed that he is my father, and I think the only reason my mom was in a relationship with him in the first place is bc she's also traumatized and has issues. My therapist told me my father is the reason why I have BPD now, and I'm so fucking angry about that.. I could have been normal, but at some point when I was a child, I got broken beyond repair, a one crack that was too much for my brain to handle.. changing me forever.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

People say: bla bla bla normal is overrated bla bla

No fuck you! I'm tired of living like Frankenstein's monster.

 

[SanguineShark]

People say: bla bla bla normal is overrated bla bla

No fuck you! I'm tired of living like Frankenstein's monster.

Tbh at this point I wouldn't want to be fixed, I'd rather just die

 

[sad_rock]

Tbh at this point I wouldn't want to be fixed, I'd rather just die

same. i feel like i am doing everyone else a favor by ridding myself. i saw how monstrous i can become from mania last year and lost all my friends because of it. i rather die than relive that experience again. its better than seeing more people become fearful of me. i rather die than seeing myself bring fear to others again. yes, my family will be in pain. but its the best for everyone that i am gone before they can see how truly terrible i can become.

 

[futureme]

im in the same boat but im so useless i cannot pursue anything including suicide so im just chilling in the no doer state, where im just watching whats happening to me without doing anything, doesnt matter if the worst happens i wont fight it. cause anything i do or try to do is just pointless and worthless and will come back to bite me

 

[SanguineShark]

same. i feel like i am doing everyone else a favor by ridding myself. i saw how monstrous i can become from mania last year and lost all my friends because of it. i rather die than relive that experience again. its better than seeing more people become fearful of me. i rather die than seeing myself bring fear to others again. yes, my family will be in pain. but its the best for everyone that i am gone before they can see how truly terrible i can become.

I'm so sorry to hear that :(
I don't experience mania, but I've met people at a psychiatric hospital who were there bc they had a manic episode and had to be hospitalized. It really does seem like a hard thing to have to experience, I'm sorry you have to go through that

im in the same boat but im so useless i cannot pursue anything including suicide so im just chilling in the no doer state, where im just watching whats happening to me without doing anything, doesnt matter if the worst happens i wont fight it. cause anything i do or try to do is just pointless and worthless and will come back to bite me

You must have gone through a lot of hardship to get to this point, I can relate a lot

 

[prezmyl]

My shit ton of mental illness and trauma causes extreme insecurity which cause me to act like a fucked up person, I'm not normal and my personality disorder has no cure so that's just how my brain is wired. Most of my problems have to do with issues with the amygdala, part of the brain responsible for emotional processes. My years of trauma, esp childhood trauma, caused me to grow into an insecure person who's always in a state of fear, I never feel safe with anyone, everyone always hurts me, both on purpose and on accident. I stir up shit and dramatize every time my brain decides I'm in danger, when most of the time I'm not and no one means any harm. I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself

Hate this states of constant re-activation of these charged subconscious material that you cannot complete to process. I spent 13 years in that crazy painful very unstable state and tried to live with it, since I was misdiagnosed. I was in constant mode of activation and dissociation how crazy it was. It all started by certain event I unknowingly run into.

So I respect YOU very much for all you have endured. No matter What you think or anybody around you. I know how inexplicable suffering this is and it is non stop. So One more time I respect YOU very very much. I know that this will stuck like for a minute or two anyway. And it is easier to say it to another person than to yourself too.

You are locked in looped extreme survival mode with triggers, in which people normally should spend only seconds or minutes where there is real danger, because it extreme mode for a body and psyche. If it is chronic it symptomizes cruelly and consume you.

I'm trying out therapy but I keep getting worse so far, I have some new PTSD this year so I'm in an extra defense mode

So you are still fighting. What kind of a therapy?

I know that Somatic Experiencing has protocols for development trauma. It could be combine with EMDR probably, which is what I am trying to do now in combination.
But I have no much motivation left, I am old and I am in furiously in anger and hate it that it was possible years ago when it mattered to me. And probably generally it is not an easy process to wake up from those states after many years, when I degraded my life and myself very much. But maybe that is just me.

My years of trauma, esp childhood trauma, caused me to grow into an insecure person who's always in a state of fea

who knows maybe once you healed those fragmented traumatized parts, maybe then you can grow a new non-traumatic personality around it. But easier said than done. I know.

 

[Raindancer]

I understand why some people here are so anti-birth and think we should stop having children... sadly for example my mother didn't know and still doesn't think that having me was a mistake.. She does love me in her own way, she wouldn't want me to be gone so she can't imagine a scenario where I wasn't born.. But I can, and I can see what issues were present in my family that caused me to have all this trauma, it feels unfair to create a person in an environment where they would have to endure such trauma. I guess I don't get my father the most, he already has children from a previous marriage and then also my older sibling. My parents got divorced when I was an infant. He never paid much attention to me, never put effort to know me as a person or spend time with me, he was basically forced to come to my birthdays by my mother (I used to cry as a kid bc of that), and when he would show up, he'd insult me and point out my flaws.. His logic was that he was helping me but "I took it wrong", but it's just his narcissism causing him to never be able to admit that he made a mistake or especially, that he's not a victim. I think he should win an award bc like 2 years ago he called me, when I'm already an adult, and explained to me that it's my fault he didn't spend time with me when I was a kid because I'd play instead of spending time with him.. How can someone's thought process be so fucked up? Blaming your child for neglecting them? I'm ashamed that he is my father, and I think the only reason my mom was in a relationship with him in the first place is bc she's also traumatized and has issues. My therapist told me my father is the reason why I have BPD now, and I'm so fucking angry about that.. I could have been normal, but at some point when I was a child, I got broken beyond repair, a one crack that was too much for my brain to handle.. changing me forever.

Completely understandable and acceptable that you would be angry if not furious with your father. I think when someone is not parented appropriately, they almost expect the child to do the parenting, or like with your father blame you for HIS lack of involvement. For me, my mothers and my roles were completely reversed. I was the parent and she was the child. Her parents royally fucked her up and she just had no idea what to do. Add drugs and having BPD, things were crazy. That my father stayed with her until she died, blows my mind. But he regrets that decision and beats himself up for staying. My mother was wild and they never really had much of a relationship. It's amazing on how many different ways it's so easy to screw your child up.

 

[SanguineShark]

Completely understandable and acceptable that you would be angry if not furious with your father. I think when someone is not parented appropriately, they almost expect the child to do the parenting, or like with your father blame you for HIS lack of involvement. For me, my mothers and my roles were completely reversed. I was the parent and she was the child. Her parents royally fucked her up and she just had no idea what to do. Add drugs and having BPD, things were crazy. That my father stayed with her until she died, blows my mind. But he regrets that decision and beats himself up for staying. My mother was wild and they never really had much of a relationship. It's amazing on how many different ways it's so easy to screw your child up.

I'm so sorry to hear that :(

 

[steppenwolf]

The amygdala, I seem to remember reading about that somewhere once; didn't Elizabeth Wurtzel invent that?

I don't trust anybody who claims to know more about how my brain works than I do. And how my brain works is that it sifts garbage and pulls out anything it finds useful, and leaves the rest in the garbage.

And being told that there's an obscure part of my brain that I've never seen or felt or heard of that's making me miserable - when I know perfectly well that I'm only miserable because of my environment and my perfectly functioning brain's accurate awareness thereof - by some privileged cunt with a Ph.D., is exactly the sort of bullshit that my brain has learned to reject immediately and stuff straight back into the garbage and stomp right to the bottom thereof where it belongs.

I'm serious. I've seen how people with Ph.D.'s formulate their theories of formative permanent psychological dysfunction. They put coloured wooden blocks in front of an infant from a happy home and film them playing with them enthusiastically. Then they put the same blocks in front of some infant they borrowed from the orphanage for the day, and film them ignoring the blocks completely and looking worriedly around the room at everyone. Then they stigmatize the orphan with invented permanent developmental disorders, simply because as an orphan they have more important things to worry about than infantile play with stupid fucking blocks. Things like: 'Where am I? Who are these people? What's going to happen to me now?'

Don't ever let those fascist fucks get their claws into you, kid.