I will never be able to love my family.

[pyroxenic]

I have to get this out of my system, sorry in advance.

The title may sound cruel, but i came to a conclusion i cant/wont love my family. Or more specifically, i will never have emotional attachment/connection to them.

I mostly feel really indifferent to my family. In a way youd feel about a stranger or an equantance. But sometimes i go through intense episodes of rage and hatered towards them for what they have put me through. But then in the end i will end up sobbing so much because of guilt and shame for having these emotions. Mostly because even what they have put me through and how they treated me, i know deep down theyre not evil people. They are good people with their own unresolved baggages, they are complicated people with good qualities. And because of their good qualities and the genuine good things they have given me, and the good times we had; it makes me so so so guilty for not feeling the same way back. At that point i know its not their fault, since they have improved in some ways. This is mostly my fault and my problem.

But at the same time, their abuse, neglect and mistreated have forever changed me. I now have to live with the consequences of abuse, and be forced to entirely rewire my brain so i can function normally. But therapy and medication is not silver-bullet and i honestly cant bear to spend the rest of my life trying to fix and patch up shit that was forced upon me as a child.

Now as my parents have gotten older and more calmer, they try to chase for my love and bond. Including my sibling, who to put it lightly; has made my childhood torture. I have to pretend sometimes to be grateful and glad they (and especially my sibling) want to have a healthy family relationship. But the bond is forever severed, i will never be able to feel or be emotionally connected to them. They can chase me and beg me and force me to have some kind of relatonship with them, but i will never want the same. It makes me feel pure disgust that they want to be part of my life the moment i became an adult. It also makes me feel pathetic that the tables have turned and that i have somewhat taken of a role of a parent whos children are begging them for love. I was not given emotional love when i needed it the most. Why am i suddendly obliged to rework relationships i genuinely have no interest in? And then get blamed and shamed when i show no interest in my parents and sibling.

I Feel the same about my extended family i was once close with. They were enablers and quite literally never has taken my side when i have spoken up about abuse i suffered under my parents and sibling. This has also soured my view of these family members. Including my grandmother who lets me live with her, bless her, but when she confessed to me she noticed i was depressed in my youth yet didnt do anything about it. This changed my view of her among other things, this is one of the biggest things i resent her for.

I Really want to think different. But i cant seperate the bad-doings and abuse in the past from the people who have done these things to me. In the present its not the same as it was years ago. But when i look at my sibling, i still see the bully who speaks horrible things to me. And when i am around my parents i still feel the way i did when i was a child/teenager; unloved and small/burden. And when i look at my other relatives i see people who have done nothing to stop some of the behaviors.

Because i am still in sort of experianing post-trauma symptoms and the past literally haunts me while being unhealed; i am unable to have healthy love for and with my family. I have no one to blame but myself for this. But when i am with my family i feel like im brought back in time when the abuse was at its worse. I want to move on and be better, but what i went through, including this year has permenantly fucked how i am able to love and be emotionally connected with others. I feel like i am doomed and that its all my fault.

 

[kindalone]

I feel the same way sometimes. My childhood was riddled with emotional and physical abuse. I was always in fear and there was no real safe space. Despite that, I still had genuine moments of joy and it makes it harder to condemn them for what they have done to me in the past. Plus, some stories from their past have resurfaced and I realized that they were just products of their environment. Hurt people hurt people, I guess.

They are a lot calmer and at least my mother has realized what she has done wrong partially. But the damage has been done and it will be always be a part of me no matter what I do. I feel guilty for loving them sometimes because I shouldn't. I wish it was more black and white but it isn't. Everybody had their part in it. Nobody is innocent. Not even me.

 

[pyroxenic]

I feel the same way sometimes. My childhood was riddled with emotional and physical abuse. I was always in fear and there was no real safe space. Despite that, I still had genuine moments of joy and it makes it harder to condemn them for what they have done to me in the past. Plus, some stories from their past have resurfaced and I realized that they were just products of their environment. Hurt people hurt people, I guess.

They are a lot calmer and at least my mother has realized what she has done wrong partially. But the damage has been done and it will be always be a part of me no matter what I do. I feel guilty for loving them sometimes because I shouldn't. I wish it was more black and white but it isn't. Everybody had their part in it. Nobody is innocent. Not even me.

100% this. History sadly repeats it self when the generational trauma continues in future generations. Like your parents, my own were product of their enviorment. Both of my parents have suffered way worse abuse (because of the time back then) than my sibling and i did under their care. But i cant deny my own pain and trauma just because my parents went through worse. At the same time, the guilt builds up because i know my parents tried to not repeat the same upbringing they had to me and my sibling. But unfortunetly they have failed in other ways because they never had an effort to heal themselves. In the end the generational trauma continued even when they tried their best to end it.

I agree that when theres dysfunctional dynamics in families everyone plays part of it. Heck, i was not innocent either. Not even now. The trauma and the damage will be for the rest of my life as well. And i also need to fix my toxic behavior due to trauma and how i was raised. But damn is it hard when you dont know where to start.

 

[S like suicide]

I hug you i feel this so much....my family destroyed my life,it's too hard not hate them because they are aware of it but keep doing it enjoying it and I wish they weren't my family.

 

[Holu]

The title may sound cruel, but i came to a conclusion i cant/wont love my family. Or more specifically, i will never have emotional attachment/connection to them.

Title is not cruel. To some, family might be bound by blood and proximity, but if said family is abusive, negative, and damaging, then it's most important to prioritize your physical and mental well being. As with ex lovers, it's understandable to wish to avoid contact or attachment, as to minimize that harmful stimuli, allowing one to heal.

But sometimes i go through intense episodes of rage and hatered towards them for what they have put me through. But then in the end i will end up sobbing so much because of guilt and shame for having these emotions.

:(. It's like there never is a real escape eh? For what good it is, I'm truly sorry for these feelings. While it's not my place to say, I do believe that these intense emotions are justified. That said, regardless of whether it's justified, I know that in one's heart that's hardly enough to overcome any guilt/shame felt. While you mention therapy not being a silver bullet, DBT is a form of therapy that specifically targets intense emotions. I know how we all feel about therapy, but if ever curious looking into can't hurt. That said I'm sorry. I wish I could be of proper help with this.

But at the same time, their abuse, neglect and mistreated have forever changed me. I now have to live with the consequences of abuse, and be forced to entirely rewire my brain so i can function normally. But therapy and medication is not silver-bullet and i honestly cant bear to spend the rest of my life trying to fix and patch up shit that was forced upon me as a child.

Heh. Being functional while in pain is a curse in itself. Makes everything seem fine despite the fact that it's slowly crumbling, waiting to snap and break. Do what you can to stop this crumbling, and if it means cutting off an abusive family then you have my vote of support for that idea.

Now as my parents have gotten older and more calmer, they try to chase for my love and bond. Including my sibling, who to put it lightly; has made my childhood torture. I have to pretend sometimes to be grateful and glad they (and especially my sibling) want to have a healthy family relationship. But the bond is forever severed, i will never be able to feel or be emotionally connected to them. They can chase me and beg me and force me to have some kind of relatonship with them, but i will never want the same. It makes me feel pure disgust that they want to be part of my life the moment i became an adult. It also makes me feel pathetic that the tables have turned and that i have somewhat taken of a role of a parent whos children are begging them for love. I was not given emotional love when i needed it the most. Why am i suddendly obliged to rework relationships i genuinely have no interest in? And then get blamed and shamed when i show no interest in my parents and sibling.

Some people might see it as being the "bigger person" to accept their approach and reenter the family but honestly I say fuck em. You are your own person, and if you feel they have long since abandoned you, then you owe nothing to them.

Feel the same about my extended family i was once close with. They were enablers and quite literally never has taken my side when i have spoken up about abuse i suffered under my parents and sibling. This has also soured my view of these family members. Including my grandmother who lets me live with her, bless her, but when she confessed to me she noticed i was depressed in my youth yet didnt do anything about it. This changed my view of her among other things, this is one of the biggest things i resent her for.

Hmm. I will allow you to view this how you will. All I want to say here is sometimes depression is obvious, but difficult to help. Perhaps one is inclined to do the best of their power, but sometimes it's hard to know what actions to do. Kindness and love isn't always enough, and when we aren't receiving the adequate care it's easy to see others as traitorous. Still, you know her much better, I'm just making an observation from an outside perspective based on the given information.

I Really want to think different. But i cant seperate the bad-doings and abuse in the past from the people who have done these things to me. In the present its not the same as it was years ago. But when i look at my sibling, i still see the bully who speaks horrible things to me. And when i am around my parents i still feel the way i did when i was a child/teenager; unloved and small/burden. And when i look at my other relatives i see people who have done nothing to stop some of the behaviors.

Of everything, your estranged family should understand that this takes time. If they continue to pressure you, maybe it's best to simply inform them that this is your decision, and that recovery might take a while. Ask for space, and hopefully they will understand. If they don't, you can always do more drastic things. It's ultimately up to you.

Because i am still in sort of experianing post-trauma symptoms and the past literally haunts me while being unhealed; i am unable to have healthy love for and with my family. I have no one to blame but myself for this. But when i am with my family i feel like im brought back in time when the abuse was at its worse. I want to move on and be better, but what i went through, including this year has permenantly fucked how i am able to love and be emotionally connected with others. I feel like i am doomed and that its all my fault.

I feel the same with my dad. It's hard to not remember the trauma and suffering even if it's not currently present. I'm so so fucking sorry for the pain you are in. It's easy to think life could be so much more, but the world and human brain are erratic, irrational, and dangerously weak. I hope you can be kinder to yourself, even if slightly. Believe as you will, but I promise it's not your fault.

Okie, I'm sorry for the long ass response. Thank you very much for sharing your story. I related and felt this so much more than you could ever imagine. I hope you nothing but the best.

 

[pyroxenic]

Title is not cruel. To some, family might be bound by blood and proximity, but if said family is abusive, negative, and damaging, then it's most important to prioritize your physical and mental well being. As with ex lovers, it's understandable to wish to avoid contact or attachment, as to minimize that harmful stimuli, allowing one to heal.

:(. It's like there never is a real escape eh? For what good it is, I'm truly sorry for these feelings. While it's not my place to say, I do believe that these intense emotions are justified. That said, regardless of whether it's justified, I know that in one's heart that's hardly enough to overcome any guilt/shame felt. While you mention therapy not being a silver bullet, DBT is a form of therapy that specifically targets intense emotions. I know how we all feel about therapy, but if ever curious looking into can't hurt. That said I'm sorry. I wish I could be of proper help with this.

Heh. Being functional while in pain is a curse in itself. Makes everything seem fine despite the fact that it's slowly crumbling, waiting to snap and break. Do what you can to stop this crumbling, and if it means cutting off an abusive family then you have my vote of support for that idea.

Some people might see it as being the "bigger person" to accept their approach and reenter the family but honestly I say fuck em. You are your own person, and if you feel they have long since abandoned you, then you owe nothing to them.

Hmm. I will allow you to view this how you will. All I want to say here is sometimes depression is obvious, but difficult to help. Perhaps one is inclined to do the best of their power, but sometimes it's hard to know what actions to do. Kindness and love isn't always enough, and when we aren't receiving the adequate care it's easy to see others as traitorous. Still, you know her much better, I'm just making an observation from an outside perspective based on the given information.


Of everything, your estranged family should understand that this takes time. If they continue to pressure you, maybe it's best to simply inform them that this is your decision, and that recovery might take a while. Ask for space, and hopefully they will understand. If they don't, you can always do more drastic things. It's ultimately up to you.

I feel the same with my dad. It's hard to not remember the trauma and suffering even if it's not currently present. I'm so so fucking sorry for the pain you are in. It's easy to think life could be so much more, but the world and human brain are erratic, irrational, and dangerously weak. I hope you can be kinder to yourself, even if slightly. Believe as you will, but I promise it's not your fault.

Okie, I'm sorry for the long ass response. Thank you very much for sharing your story. I related and felt this so much more than you could ever imagine. I hope you nothing but the best.

In my culture, family bond is essential. You are looked down upon if you are estranged from family or dont consider your family to be a priority. So in my case, the shame and guilt are amplified because i know what the consequances will be if i truly decide to cut them off. But several years back i moved out off my mothers house permenantly to live with my grandparents. Since that day when she realised she *could* lose me out of her life completely, she started to treat me kinder ever since. But if i decide to cut off the rest of the familt completely, i am 99% sure there will he huge infighting and immense hurt feelings i would bring to my parents if i did that. And i want to avoid all that, so i am stuck. Even if i was considering estrangment for years by now. I am not fully idepended, maybe once i have my place of my own i can put actual distance bettween all of my family. It would be an extreme choice but i feel like it would be the best choice for everyone involved tbh.

And sadly, for now therapy and esp DBT is inaccessable to me atm. Best therapists are hours away from where i live and i dont have a liscense. I would have to ask my parents to drive, but i dont want to bring even more burden. So i am stuck in that regard as well.

And yes, she probably didnt know what to do on her own and had full trust in my parents to bring me help asap. Ofc that didnt happen until it was already too late. She blames herself for that unfortenatly, i dont expect her or anyone to be a hero. But like you mentioned, it ended up looking traitorous in my chids eye, even now.

But really, thank you for your kind and sincere reply. It really means a lot to me <3 you sound like an absolute sweetheart, i wish you kindness and the best as well. Again, thank you sm for your kind words. <3