softfuzzyman
Rot
- Aug 17, 2020
- 77
It's just not possible. I'm unable to function and find comfort, let alone success. Every second of being conscious feels like hell on earth. Food doesn't even taste good. I've never been happy in my life, I'm in so much pain always, and from how low and burned out my life is and my status in society, completely lacking in meaningful connection, no real drive or goals or passions or achievements, never tasted even bare financial stability, it's completely impossible for me to ever become something. I'm so sick of the pain and suffering, I'm so sick of being convinced to "try" only to just crash straight back down worse than before, I'm so sick of struggling. My brain doesn't work. According to everyone in my life I should be able to just snap out of it and force myself to function and do things and be well. Just like that. But I can't and I know I can't and I know nobody else can make it better either which is why logically the best thing is to CTB instead of just being a suffering miserable mess and waste of space. I don't know, I can't really focus to type anything out properly or make my brain chug enough to write something. I probably won't leave behind a note because my brain is so slow and hazy and I can't focus or get my thoughts or words straight. I'm so tired and whenever I think too hard I just go into a panic attack like right now. I just want it to be over. Even trying to post stuff here is too painful and difficult and I feel like I don't belong and don't deserve to speak... i don't know.
Waking up is the hardest. I wake up between 2 and 4, 12 hrs of sleep at a bare minimum, no matter what I do I can't force myself to wake up any earlier, and the absolute split second I wake up, literally no room for anything else the actual INSTANT i become conscious, all i can think and feel is how badly i wanna die, and then i spend the rest of the day in bed, wanting to die, not eating, not able to focus on anything or be on my feet for more than a few minutes because it completely drains me and my legs start to feel weak and i feel lightheaded... i took a shower just now after i woke up and it was so hard and im so tired now and i just want this life to end because i can't do anything. People keep saying "try this, try that" and it's just like no you don't understand i dont know how to get it through to you that i cant do anything. Even from bed, i tried downloading duolingo and learning a language, i couldnt do it, my brain couldnt focus and i had no motivation to do it and stopped 2 days in.
It doesn't matter. I don't care what others think anymore because they've made it abundantly clear that they don't understand at all how bad it feels in my brain and dont care and have nothing to offer to help. I ordered SN and the day it gets here is the day i go. If i throw up i will literally just keep drinking it until it works. I don't care about a peaceful or fast or painless death at this point i just want it to end. The longer i have to go on like this the more my reservations go out the window and the more id be willing to just do anything if it meant id for sure die.
Waking up is the hardest. I wake up between 2 and 4, 12 hrs of sleep at a bare minimum, no matter what I do I can't force myself to wake up any earlier, and the absolute split second I wake up, literally no room for anything else the actual INSTANT i become conscious, all i can think and feel is how badly i wanna die, and then i spend the rest of the day in bed, wanting to die, not eating, not able to focus on anything or be on my feet for more than a few minutes because it completely drains me and my legs start to feel weak and i feel lightheaded... i took a shower just now after i woke up and it was so hard and im so tired now and i just want this life to end because i can't do anything. People keep saying "try this, try that" and it's just like no you don't understand i dont know how to get it through to you that i cant do anything. Even from bed, i tried downloading duolingo and learning a language, i couldnt do it, my brain couldnt focus and i had no motivation to do it and stopped 2 days in.
It doesn't matter. I don't care what others think anymore because they've made it abundantly clear that they don't understand at all how bad it feels in my brain and dont care and have nothing to offer to help. I ordered SN and the day it gets here is the day i go. If i throw up i will literally just keep drinking it until it works. I don't care about a peaceful or fast or painless death at this point i just want it to end. The longer i have to go on like this the more my reservations go out the window and the more id be willing to just do anything if it meant id for sure die.
