I will leave SS (I'm not completely sure)

[Watcher]

It has been a good month here at SSweb, just the last week, I was trying to ctb by using an exit bag, wich actually works, but I don't have the courage to finish my life yet. I told you that, 2018 was my very worst year of my entire life, and it still being true. Three things happened me last year, firstly, I had a gay experience (probably the worst thing could ever happened to me, but I'm not homophobic) (it was the first time, I had a gay experience) secondly, I was working in a government institution, in wich, most of people were gays, so I suffered a short paranoia, because most of people in this institution are studying at my faculty (I was studying laws), and I discovered that the club I visited, is frequently visited by those people. So I was freaked out, and I decided to quit my job. After that I started to feel alone, and the paranoia didn't end. The paranoia was growing, to the point that I left university, I took the decision to never come back to the faculty (a bad idea, some friends were giving me support, but I was very scared of how other persons would react, because (I forgot to mention this) I gave a letter explaining I was suffering depression and anxiety (it was true) and they made me a kind of party just to calm my nerves but I still was freaked out, and I decided to left the party before it ended. So retaking the last part in wich I left the university, after that, I talked with my parents that I was wanting to change my career (and it was true, I was wondering that since the first year of university) and they accepted, obviously they were angry (I always wanted to study biology, but somethings happened in they way, and them stopped me taking that decision). So two months later, I had a car accident, I was close to being imprisoned, thankfully, it didn't happen. After this situation, I felled in a huge depression. Thats when the suicide thoughts hit me harder. If I had the opportunity, I was already on the bus. So it took me at least two months to get recovered from that, and to get out from home. Then, on January, I applied for an scholarship to learn some skills to get a job, and I won it. But I studied only five weeks, I wasn't able to continue, depression, and some kind of looping thoughts were torturing me, so I decided to left the scholarship too. Since that I have been taking my time to clarify my mind, I started to meet a psychologist, and to research about the symptoms I had. I t has been difficult, but I think I found my problem. I found that I'm probably an asperger, but with an histrionic personality low disorder. I know that I need a professional diagnostic, but after two months of research and being sincerely with me, I'm almost 60% sure, that those disorders (I don't know how to classify the asperger illness) fit with me. Just a few weeks ago I was convinced that I was a borderline (Borderline personality disorder) but I'm not as choleric as them, so I discarded that option. I can't extend the explanation, but I will ask my psychologist to include both options.

The difficult part now is that I have to overcome depression. My brain is upset, in overdrive mode, and I need to turn it off. And it's taking me more than O expected, the worst part is the loneliness feeling, my friends left me, and I contributed to it too. But I think that I can overcome it, by just doing it correctly again. My parents helped me fixing the car, and now they know I have seriously mental problems, so they will support me too if I change my career. ( I paid part for my car to get fixed, so don't you think that I'm a weak son of daddy and mummy).


And don't think I'm wrong, aspergers can be gay too, I know that I have a sensible hidden part, but I don't want to be ga,y, that only happened once, and it will not happen again....

But I'm still depressed, very depressed, I need some advice to handle it, so I'll be glad if some of you leave an advice too.

(I'm sure that in a future I will have to start a psychiatrist treatment, but every advice/suggestion is welcome)

(I was drunk when I had the accident, fortunately, police is easy to bribe in my country)

 

[rottingaway26]

In my opinion based on what you wrote, you are doing everything right to get yourself into a place of recovery. Also your parents sound like wonderful people for being there for you and helping you in this time. I don't have any advice other than to keep doing what you're doing and yes, maybe consider going on medication to mitigate your depression symptoms. But you're doing great. And it sounds like you do want to change career paths. It's wonderful that you figured this out now rather than when you are much older and more stuck.