I will finally order SN and put an end to this

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Well lads, the past few weeks I have taken a break from SS as I was completing the rest of my uni coursework and exams, then went to visit several of my friends for some much needed reprieve.

During this time, I contemplated my situation in great detail, tossing and turning over the thoughts of whether or not there are any options left besides ctb. I decided to take one of the biggest risks of my life, and travel unaccompanied to a distant part of the country to meet my best friend.

I did not tell anyone in real life where I was going or what exactly I was doing. To me, this was the final test that would determine if there was anything left for me in this world. Could I be happy, even in a limited capacity? I wanted to find out.

My best friend is probably the most amazing person on this planet. He was truly so kind and went above and beyond to accommodate for the fact that I am disabled and that the journey would be rough for me due to this. For the first time in months, I laughed again, in spite of the pain. It was the first time in many years that I was not treated with scorn, spite, and annoyance because of my conditions.

Everyone in the house seemed to adore me, and made me feel like I was one of them. Not an outsider, a freak, nor a cripple, but a genuine person. However, this didn't quell my urge for suicide. A few days before this, I had been staying with one of my friends, who will be my housemate at uni until we graduate.

During this time, it was made very clear to me that I don't belong in this world. I love my friends, but to the majority of them, I am some anomaly to be pitied. I only seem to be valued by others when I provide them with banter and humor, or when I can help them with something. I cannot share many things about my life because it makes others upset.

Occasionally I am lucky and a friend will express empathy and support, however, as of late I've tried to not talk about my issues as often so that I won't be a burden. I made the mistake of opening up to my housemate when she started asking about my situation and wanted to know what was going on.

I told her more about my disabilities and how I'm reliant on my boyfriend, with not many options available to me as I'm not a citizen of the country. She made some comments about how I just need to work towards getting a full time job, and not to worry about upsetting her because she doesn't feel emotions regarding her friend's issues since she can't help.

She told me that she would offer to live with me post-uni, but that there would probably be a potential partner who would come along instead and she'd prefer that to me being her roommate. Also, that if my boyfriend gets tired of supporting a disabled person like me and finds it annoying, he's completely in the right to ditch me and leave.

These words stung me a lot. Throughout my visit, there were other occasions where my legs hurt too much to walk a long distance, where I had no energy to do things, and when the environment was simply too chaotic and overwhelming for me to deal with, yet no one understood. I'm simply expected to provide companionship and entertainment with no regard given to my suffering, it feels like.

In the world my friends and peers inhabit, the most pressing issues are juvenile relationships (like experimentation, hookups, things of that nature) putting off uni assignments till the last minute, or what prestigious internship they're going to apply to. They simply have no conception of how people like me are forced to live.

The isolation I feel when sitting in a room full of people only furthers my desire for death. Years of abuse and attempting to cope with autism have made me selectively mute, and sometimes it is beyond my means to come up with a quip or riveting conversation when it comes to verbal communication. No one gets it.

My best friend and I are both autistic, so he understands this completely. When we were together, the two of us could say silly nonsense and neither person felt uncomfortable or weird for it. I was somewhat at peace for the first time in a long time, except when we went out in public.

My best friend shared sentiments with me that I will never forget until the day that I die. He told me that I am so strong and such a fighter, that no one fights as hard as I do, yet others cannot see it because they don't understand the battle I have to go through everyday.

He told me that even if I became more ill, my legs giving out on me entirely, that he would carry me, if someday I deteriorated to the point of needing a wheelchair, he would push me wherever I needed to go. No one has ever expressed sincere love and care for me like that. Not once in my life. I wanted to cry.

I realized I truly do love him. It probably sounds a bit cringey, but those moments evoked emotions in me akin to what I felt when I was reading Berserk and witnessed Gut's sacrifices when he was hellbent on protecting Casca after the Eclipse.

This wasn't a good revelation though, because at the end of that week, I was due to return home to my boyfriend. As soon as I came back, the abuse ramped up once more. My boyfriend constantly picks a fight and nips at my insecurities. He threatened to kick me out of the house once more, then told me he believes my chronic pain is psychosomatic, and that I'm a delusional, mentally ill woman who is genuinely insane and unhinged.

I sobbed for hours over this. Even after he apologised and tried to love on me, those actions left a permanent imprint in my mind. Yet he will say it's my fault for slightly raising my voice when he says deeply hurtful things to me. I broke down and told him how horrible my quality of life is, as I have many times, and how he can't even begin to fathom my misery.

Over the past couple of days, he continues to fight with me and claim I somehow instigated it if I show the slightest bit of upset at his actions. He caught me playing a video game with my best friend and got absolutely furious at me, saying that even playing a game with him was emotional cheating due to my history with admiring him, and how I can either cease all contact or get out of the house because I'm so fucked up.

I cried again because I felt guilty for harboring any sort of feelings for my friend. My partner really good at tearing me up and bringing up my weaknesses. He kept bringing up my suicidality and my inability to cope with the multiple disabilities that make my life hell. He kept bringing up a future, a year down the road this, 5 years down the road that, then I finally said that I don't want to be here in 5 years.

I cried and begged him to move on and go be with someone who will make him happy and give him the life he wants. I am simply too far gone to give him what he needs, he will never be content for as long as I am his ball and chain. Likewise, he will never accept my desire to die and the fact that I cannot be productive, that I will struggle every step of the way to even pass my university degree, and especially that I cannot work full time.

After all this, when he tells me he loves me so much and he will make me happy and try to give me a good life, it feels sincere and yet fabricated at the same time. Such an esoteric situation that no one can really understand. I think he loves an idea of me rather than the real person, and it breaks my heart because I adored this man before he started being consistently abusive, even if he doesn't realise it and refuses to accept it. My heart is broken.

So that's it. I'm absolutely fucked for several months if he kicks me out. I have autism, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and an amalgamation of neurological issues that accompany it, IBS, and ptsd, and I am not cut out for this cutthroat world. A person like me cannot play the game of survival of the fittest.

I have no family left in this world, I found out yesterday that my grandmother who is my only living relative and the only person to ever love me unconditionally, had a mini stroke episode. Now she is at risk for a serious event and may not survive next time. My soul cannot take this constant battering of losing the people I love.

Cutting out my best friend isn't an option, and he hasn't offered me a place to stay at this point, even then it simply isn't feasible. Despire the fact that I finally have an interview lined up for very part time temp work, the pay is so low and any job that would hire me would never provide enough income to supoort me in the long run. Eventually I'll probably get deported.

I have most of the supplemental medications already. Tonight I will bite the bullet and order SN, no matter how risky it is. I am DONE.

 

[WornOutLife]

Hello, Kuri-sama!
I was starting to miss you lots!!

I'm really sorry to hear you're planning to leave this world but I might also order SN (if possible) some random day in spite of doing my best to live.

Whatever happens, I just want to tell you that you are always an inspiration to me.

Your way of writing and talking is wonderful! This world would be a much better place with more people like you!!!

Send you lots of love and hugs and remember; you can talk to me whenever you want!

Matt

 

[greyhound]

I'm sorry you've reached this point. It does sound like you're backed into a corner, dependent on relationships that seem like they could evaporate at any moment. I too know how difficult it is to try to compete in the 'survival of the fittest' with these disabilities. It seems like society pays lip service to aiding the disabled but when push comes to shove there really is no actual support.

I too am sort of standing at the precipice. I told my dad this week about my impending CTB. Alarm bells went off and I've had to deal with all these intervention type phone calls. But I'm really and truly unable to carry on any further. I was trying to make it to June and we're almost there. I doubt I could make it the whole summer.

I am going to try to get N first and then if that fails then SN. I wish you luck, for me entering the phase where CTB is imminent brings a sense of relief but also it's own mental challenges.

 

[Bullit]

You're a very tough girl! All that shit you have going on,plus you're very smart. I was hoping,as I read,that you might decide to move in with your best friend, but then you said that's not an option?
I am seriously thinking of ordering SN,I hate life! I'm in the same boat.
I hope God gives you the wisdom to choose wisely! Think...think hard! Good luck!

 

[FuneralCry]

You have been through a lot and this life can simply be such a cruel thing. There is only so much one human being can cope with until they fall into despair. Other people who haven't suffered in the same ways will never understand. Just because many chronic illnesses aren't visible doesn't mean they aren't real and they can be debilitating. Your best friend does sound like a great person. I wish you the best.