I went to the ocean today

[jakerjays]

I feel like grounding yourself in nature is a great way of revealing how you really feel. Sometimes it can bring up emotions you didn't expect. Finding yourself somewhere beautiful could make you realise you might miss it.

I definitely felt better, but not differently. One good day by the water doesn't make things worth it. Going there 5 times a week wouldn't even make life worth it.
It was raining really heavily and I stayed by the water for about two hours just eating fast food and singing out loud because nobody else was there. I really just needed to get outside. My problem, though, is that things don't feel real. No matter the volume of the waves or how cold my hands are, it feels like I'm recalling a memory or living through somebody elses experiences.

I forgot what the point of this post was halfway through writing it, I guess I'm just frustrated that I feel like I'm always trying my best to at least make things more bearable for myself and I still end up in the same depressed, distressed episodes.
I really can't wait to die, but I need to figure out when. Sometime this week after university, maybe. Maybe I should stop planning and just fucking do it, I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[jinmaopoison]

I get it. Went for a walk and the weather was perfect and the setting sun was peeking through the leaves. Really picturesque. Doesn't make me want to die any less though lmao. I think once you reach a certain point nothing external will fix you.