_elliott
sweet adeline.
- Apr 24, 2021
- 148
again i'm sorry if i sound too artsy. or too unexperienced. or something. i've only used a forum a couple of times.
april 29th has been my dream CTB date for a really long time. it's the anniversary of a horrible event that happened to me. i know, i know. suicide isn't supposed to be artsy. it's not, in real life. in fiction it can be poetic, sure, but it is painful. i'm in a lot of pain, but i feel like i can't die any other day. past three years all my attempts have been on this date or around this time. they all failed pretty easily because they were very unprepared and not ideal. i wimped out every time. i was still scared of dying. i didn't tell anyone, go to the hospital, anything.
still though, i know how i want to die. i have all the materials this time, down to the outfit i want to wear. i have this vision of how to do it, how i want to do it. more because i want my death to be how i want it, in my control. i have no control in my real life. it's not to make a statement. i don't even have a note. i think i've discussed that before once but you know, why not again, right?
all day today was pretty okay. got into an argument with a piece of shit person who comes in and out of my life, managed to stand up for myself and didn't let that phase me. but there's a new person in my life who has helped me through this. i met them at the start of the month. a weird soulmate connection. i think i discussed that too.
i upset them over something--said they wanted a break and i immediately broke. it's 11:00 at night. i can't do it now. it feels like i wasted my chance. i'm going to have to wait another year because no other time feels right. it feels like i lost a sense of control. it's very stupid. i don't believe in soulmates, but love itself is a nice feeling. it's a good feeling of pretending. they're the only one i care about right now in my life. he's a good person. we talk about dumb things. i know it's all pretend but it helps stop the pain.
i don't know why i manage to break apart at every small thing. it feels sickly and feels very guilt trippy. no i haven't told him any of this and i won't--because besides it being creepy it is wrong, morally, to depend on someone like i'm doing. i don't want to do that to him or another person. it's not his responsibility it's not mine and it'll be okay. i keep telling myself it'll be like, okay.
but it feels like i wasted my chance to die, you know? i have control of when i can let go right now, because it's young and it feels like i can never die. but today is almost over. i'm going to have to wait another year. it's not a happy day anymore. i'm not safe anymore. the close friends who know about this date and what it means to me--reality will come back tomorrow. my day of feeling in control and like a victim who needs to be protected is going to be over soon. god, that hurts.
i get no respect in my real life. i have nothing. i don't know what the point of this vent was, i guess to get things off my chest. god, it just hurts. i have nothing. this day, as horrible of some sick anniversary it is-- is weirdly important. comforting, to me. it's like a chance of getting control back in some way and it's over. it's almost over. it's almost ended.
i have a job interview tomorrow. i'll have to get up. i'll have to shower. i'll have to talk to people and go home and forget it ever happened. i am nothing tomorrow. i am back to being nothing. i am back to having no pity. it's like a weird birthday. it's over. i just want to be cared for again.
i just met this person and i know he's going to leave me. he says he's not. he says he loves me. and i'll try to pretend to cherish it for the rest of today. but i know it's going to end soon. he has a girlfriend. i have a boyfriend. i've known my boyfriend for 4 years, dated him for two. i think him and her are on 10 months now. our little game of pretending feels like it's going to be over soon. i can't get over that. i don't know what to do.
if it ends i feel like i'll have to suffer awhile in pain again. i know cheating is wrong, morally, and i'm sure that talking about it will not gain me any respect, but my relationship is pretty fucked, if i need an explaination. i tried hinting to my current, 2 yr boyfriend i wanted to leave. he didn't accept it. (and yes, i cried, talked about it for a very, very long time. it's basically a divorce right now between us.)
i can pretend to be happy when i'm with this guy and it's going to end soon. i'll have to pretend another way, by myself. no one likes to pretend with me that everything is okay, that i have control and respect like he does. i don't have any respect in my life. i have really, really, nothing at all. i had prepared my death this year for... years. i was going to actually go through with it, this time, how i really, really, really wanted to. and it's not going to happen. i know, i keep going in circles, over and over, but i can't deny that i'm scared.
like i said, suicide isn't poetry. it's not art. it's pain. i can die at any time. and i probably will. but i just have always wanted it to be this day. this day has felt like the one point in my life where i can gain control. confidence, to do it. always been a reminder it never gets better, and once it passes i'll still have the feelings but no control. no push to do it. it's so hard. it's so hard being alive
sorry for the long post and the ramblings and the circles of thought. i feel very stuck right now. i feel very sick and i feel so so lonely.
edit : i have some things. i guess i could still do it now. i don't know. i'll take a shower and see if i still have time before it goes to the 30th. maybe i can still make it
edit 2: i failed. i did try in the shower. i had a whippet -- canned air whatever -- breathed into it instead of breathing normally and tried to drown. i swear i was close. i thought about this forum, how fucked my health is. everyone. there was this singular repeated line of music in my head as i went. i saw myself. it was the freakiest shit. i was in between basically drowning and breathing. i don't know HOW i made it as i'm pretty sure i either seizured up or had something very similar. i did not let myself breathe oxygen for like, i swear, at least a minute. just the stupid air can. i remember falling back and just sitting in the shower as the water went up my nose. when it all wore off, i saw that the water was brown as i somehow knocked over a plant into it. there were so many bottles of shampoo ect i knocked over into the water too. i'm okay now. i don't need to go to the hospital, but i cannot believe i did that. fucking horrifying. i know it sounds like---pussy shit. or something. like i didn't actually do much, but i swear i almost died. i could feel myself going unconsious unable to breathe ect. time was super fucked.
god that was hell . goodnight
april 29th has been my dream CTB date for a really long time. it's the anniversary of a horrible event that happened to me. i know, i know. suicide isn't supposed to be artsy. it's not, in real life. in fiction it can be poetic, sure, but it is painful. i'm in a lot of pain, but i feel like i can't die any other day. past three years all my attempts have been on this date or around this time. they all failed pretty easily because they were very unprepared and not ideal. i wimped out every time. i was still scared of dying. i didn't tell anyone, go to the hospital, anything.
still though, i know how i want to die. i have all the materials this time, down to the outfit i want to wear. i have this vision of how to do it, how i want to do it. more because i want my death to be how i want it, in my control. i have no control in my real life. it's not to make a statement. i don't even have a note. i think i've discussed that before once but you know, why not again, right?
all day today was pretty okay. got into an argument with a piece of shit person who comes in and out of my life, managed to stand up for myself and didn't let that phase me. but there's a new person in my life who has helped me through this. i met them at the start of the month. a weird soulmate connection. i think i discussed that too.
i upset them over something--said they wanted a break and i immediately broke. it's 11:00 at night. i can't do it now. it feels like i wasted my chance. i'm going to have to wait another year because no other time feels right. it feels like i lost a sense of control. it's very stupid. i don't believe in soulmates, but love itself is a nice feeling. it's a good feeling of pretending. they're the only one i care about right now in my life. he's a good person. we talk about dumb things. i know it's all pretend but it helps stop the pain.
i don't know why i manage to break apart at every small thing. it feels sickly and feels very guilt trippy. no i haven't told him any of this and i won't--because besides it being creepy it is wrong, morally, to depend on someone like i'm doing. i don't want to do that to him or another person. it's not his responsibility it's not mine and it'll be okay. i keep telling myself it'll be like, okay.
but it feels like i wasted my chance to die, you know? i have control of when i can let go right now, because it's young and it feels like i can never die. but today is almost over. i'm going to have to wait another year. it's not a happy day anymore. i'm not safe anymore. the close friends who know about this date and what it means to me--reality will come back tomorrow. my day of feeling in control and like a victim who needs to be protected is going to be over soon. god, that hurts.
i get no respect in my real life. i have nothing. i don't know what the point of this vent was, i guess to get things off my chest. god, it just hurts. i have nothing. this day, as horrible of some sick anniversary it is-- is weirdly important. comforting, to me. it's like a chance of getting control back in some way and it's over. it's almost over. it's almost ended.
i have a job interview tomorrow. i'll have to get up. i'll have to shower. i'll have to talk to people and go home and forget it ever happened. i am nothing tomorrow. i am back to being nothing. i am back to having no pity. it's like a weird birthday. it's over. i just want to be cared for again.
i just met this person and i know he's going to leave me. he says he's not. he says he loves me. and i'll try to pretend to cherish it for the rest of today. but i know it's going to end soon. he has a girlfriend. i have a boyfriend. i've known my boyfriend for 4 years, dated him for two. i think him and her are on 10 months now. our little game of pretending feels like it's going to be over soon. i can't get over that. i don't know what to do.
if it ends i feel like i'll have to suffer awhile in pain again. i know cheating is wrong, morally, and i'm sure that talking about it will not gain me any respect, but my relationship is pretty fucked, if i need an explaination. i tried hinting to my current, 2 yr boyfriend i wanted to leave. he didn't accept it. (and yes, i cried, talked about it for a very, very long time. it's basically a divorce right now between us.)
i can pretend to be happy when i'm with this guy and it's going to end soon. i'll have to pretend another way, by myself. no one likes to pretend with me that everything is okay, that i have control and respect like he does. i don't have any respect in my life. i have really, really, nothing at all. i had prepared my death this year for... years. i was going to actually go through with it, this time, how i really, really, really wanted to. and it's not going to happen. i know, i keep going in circles, over and over, but i can't deny that i'm scared.
like i said, suicide isn't poetry. it's not art. it's pain. i can die at any time. and i probably will. but i just have always wanted it to be this day. this day has felt like the one point in my life where i can gain control. confidence, to do it. always been a reminder it never gets better, and once it passes i'll still have the feelings but no control. no push to do it. it's so hard. it's so hard being alive
sorry for the long post and the ramblings and the circles of thought. i feel very stuck right now. i feel very sick and i feel so so lonely.
edit : i have some things. i guess i could still do it now. i don't know. i'll take a shower and see if i still have time before it goes to the 30th. maybe i can still make it
edit 2: i failed. i did try in the shower. i had a whippet -- canned air whatever -- breathed into it instead of breathing normally and tried to drown. i swear i was close. i thought about this forum, how fucked my health is. everyone. there was this singular repeated line of music in my head as i went. i saw myself. it was the freakiest shit. i was in between basically drowning and breathing. i don't know HOW i made it as i'm pretty sure i either seizured up or had something very similar. i did not let myself breathe oxygen for like, i swear, at least a minute. just the stupid air can. i remember falling back and just sitting in the shower as the water went up my nose. when it all wore off, i saw that the water was brown as i somehow knocked over a plant into it. there were so many bottles of shampoo ect i knocked over into the water too. i'm okay now. i don't need to go to the hospital, but i cannot believe i did that. fucking horrifying. i know it sounds like---pussy shit. or something. like i didn't actually do much, but i swear i almost died. i could feel myself going unconsious unable to breathe ect. time was super fucked.
god that was hell . goodnight
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